When people say why didn’t the woman just leave when being abused?

[Stopclutchingpearls]

No I have never been physically abused but I just wanted to show this as a context as I read so many comments in this site about why isn’t she leaving him. Why can’t she just protect her kids.
well the facts are the most dangerous time for abused lady is when they leave and this lady was filing divorce and her and her kids are now dead.
so I wanted to just point out that folks must really think when commenting that it’s not easy to leave and this is why
www.vice.com/en/article/qjk995/utah-police-8-dead-children-shooting-enoch-city

Staying isn't necessarily any safer for these women & children either.

I'm not sure your post helps women considering leaving, it just scaremongers that leaving is more risky than staying and enduring ongoing abuse.

I was one of those kids, there was DV and my father was dangerous when we left (ran away, taking only what we could carry). We needed police protection at one point and stayed in refuges for a while. But I am still glad my mother finally managed to leave for good, after many unsuccessful attempts. I do understand why she stayed for so long (money, fear, lack of support) but me and my siblings still wish she'd done it much earlier. - one never really forgave her (for what both her AND my father put them through).

o sometimes I do get frustrated when women dither and hesitate and as a result the kids just spend longer being traumatised as a result. It's hard not to judge when you know that whilst leaving is hard & carries risks, staying is worse for most kids.

This is incredibly rare and I don’t think it’s ok to use it as a reason women don’t leave

I don’t think it helps anyone to be scaremongering to justify why women stay with abusive partners, the goal and advice should always be to leave as safely as possible. I have sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship and realise it’s often very difficult to leave for many reasons, but this “if you leave you and you kids will be killed” is not helpful.

You've linked to Vice......which is hardly the bastion of feminism. It's the Woke Bro's mag, even if it does cover some female related topic.

You are preaching to women on this forum like we don't know what you're pointing out already.

Generally the tone here is supportive. They will encourage the woman to leave usually, and connect her with the right services, ring alarm bells. It's true that if children are being harmed the responses are less sympathetic, but it's not women on Mumsnet who say things like 'Why doesn't she leave him, silly cow??'

I am not saying stay at all I am saying it’s bloody hard to leave and those that say just go don’t understand how hard it must be

First of all I am not saying she has to stay all I am saying it’s hard to leave and can be risky and I have seen comments with not much sympathy

By the way there being woke can be feminist as there are many feminists that are not gender critical etc.

You are not a true feminist if you support a cause which is actively harming and silencing and erasing the identity of women

Please don’t it’s not me that has the right on my side you know those that actively go against abortion etc like Matt Walsh and the Christian Right.
Also it’s not silencing women the articles in the media shows me women are not being silenced and you don’t speak for the many women like me . We get shut up though we are not true women apparently just hand maidens but we aren’t

I was an abused woman. He abused my DCs too. It shows such a distinct lack of understanding to ask why didn't I leave. Yet I get it all the time. In part I understand - I am an educated, intelligent career woman. But to say I could have left misses the point entirely. I was so manipulated that I'd lost all independence of thought. I believed I'd be nothing without him and that he'd make my and the DC's lives so much worse if I tried to leave. We will all suffer the consequences forever. But to stay wasn't really a choice I made. I went along with staying because I could not see any other choice.

Sorry to read this I didn’t wanna upset anyone I guess I was clumsily saying that for some women they fear leaving and it’s not easy as you said

My mum stayed in an abusive relationship for years. There were lots of very complicated reasons for it. I’m not sure that even knowing how horrific it was for me as a child I would have done anything different. It definitely isn’t always easy. A lot of women stay because they fear what will happen to the children when the father gets access to them and they’re not around to protect them. It’s a terrible situation to be in.

People shouldn't challenge us on why we don't leave.
They should challenge the abuser on their abuse.

I was in a mentally abusive relationship for several years. Truthfully my world became much smaller and there didn't seem any end in sight. I thought whatever I did, my life would be made hellish. And if im honest, my ex was not terrifying like some others ive read about. It was all threats, nothing physical. If someone like me could be scared to leave, I can't imagine how scared some others could be.

I worked with a lady whose sister left her husband and he killed their two children in retaliation then himself.

I hope you escaped and are OK now.

I had a family member who was abusive to his wife and although not (to my knowledge) directly abusive to his DC they suffered too. Close family members were often called on to deal with the aftermath (damage to the home, collecting him from police cells when neighbours reported him etc) but usually minimised the abuse or made excuses for him. He would rather gleefully boast that she would never leave him as she had, and was, nothing without him and she knew she'd not cope for 5 minutes alone. Yet the fact that she didn't leave was stated as 'proof' that she must be exaggerating what was happening. I suspect that this is probably quite common.

Anyone who (quite rightly) cares enough to urge women to leave should also consider putting some energy/time/money into campaigning for better support for them to do so.
Currently support is sketchy, services are overwhelmed and the alternative accommodation offered can range from poor to barely tolerable. That is often the reality beyond the advice to 'contact women's aid and leave', particularly for the most vulnerable women who lack any other support or the personal resources to fight their corner.
No woman should have to stay in an abusive relationship, but its vital that they are offered viable alternatives.
If every attempt to raise awareness of the realities of leaving is met with cries of 'scaremongering' we run the risk of silencing those who want to make the journey easier.

Do your homework.

A lot of women who are against the erasure of women are actually left-leaning, pro-choice, atheist/agnostic with a leaning towards 2nd wave feminism. Just have a look at Julie Bindel and Dr Jane Clare Jones. Even J K Rowling, the biggest, scariest witch of them all is a bit too lefty for centrists or those on the right .....but I suppose that is far too inconvenient to acknowledge. Far easier to ignore the diversity and lump them all in with the right wingers like Matt Walsh.

I saw an article about that shared on Facebook. The comments were mainly about how hard things are for me, how men need more help, how much divorce damages men and how women can cause men suffering by stealing the children and this is the result.

Whether women stay forever, leave after years or leave after the first ‘incident’ they’re wrong.

Generally, people who ask “why didn’t she just leave” are not interested in hearing the actual reasons, they just want to put blame on the woman for not being able to immediately leave. I once wasted my breath explaining all the reasons a woman might not be able to leave right away and the guy just repeated “but why wouldn’t she just LEAVE”. It’s not worth engaging with those people.

Hearing about abuse your first reaction should be “wow what the fuck is wrong with [abuser]”, not picking apart how the abused person dealt with it.

I agree. If she leaves after the first ‘incident’ she should’ve given him a chance/it wasn’t that big a deal/her standards are too high/he was just a bit drunk/what if he had MH issues etc.

@lovelypidgeon thank you. I did leave and I am OK. Still suffering financially but free and happy. But it's all still there in the background. He's still doing stuff to get to me. There are other victims after me who I try to support. He's standing trial this year but not for crimes against me - CPS wouldn't charge him (the NFA letter simply said it was an "acrimonious relationship"). but criminal offences are ongoing and there is still police involvement. One of my DCs was abused and whilst he's dealing with it really well another of my DCs has severe depression because of it. I have lost the skills to deal with ordinary day to day conflict. It will never go away. I just have to live with it. I understand why ordinary people untouched by this darkness might wonder why I didn't leave. I'm seen as strong and independent by those who know me. But that's why he picked me - for the challenge of pulling it all apart and making me nothing. My loyalty and trust in other people was (to him) my weakness. Leaving wasn't an option, until suddenly it was. Most people will never understand that.

this

But don’t forget. If you leave then family courts are likely to court order unsupervised access of the children to the abuser. So many stay to protect the children. If you think the family courts will see domestic abuse as a reason to disallow contact then you will be in for a nasty surprise.

In was in a controlling relationship. After twelve years he beat me up for the first time an took him to court . Not all physically abused Women stay either after the first time.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship years ago and was financially trapped, when I was not financially trapped any more I left. You have to leave eventually, you can’t stay for fifty years because the risk is higher at the point of leaving.

I have a lot of sympathy for women who are financially trapped and I think many are, but women who can more than afford to leave but are trauma bonded to the person and keep their kids in that situation because they love their partner should be trying to leave.