Am I being reasonable?

[Rawandreal74]

I have had the most stressful 2 years and 3 months of my life. I’m nearly 50.
My mom died suddenly at the beginning of this ( I loved her ) and since I have found out information that has meant I no longer have a relationship with my dad. It’s always been a difficult relationship but I always thought I was at least loved but the evidence had sadly destroyed everything, including the memory of my late mum.
My husband is also poorly and has been for over a year. I supporting him recover but our lives are extremely hard right now. Getting through a day is tough. I’m also frightened for his/ our future.
Alongside this in the past year I have been so disappointed by the reaction of some people ( friends and family ) who in my view should have been there for us more.
I am an extremely caring person by nature and have therefore supported most of these people through their difficulties but here I am in the middle of my own living nightmare and some of them are nowhere to be seen or very rarely there
Am I being unreasonable wanting to distance myself from them ? My view is times like show you who your friends really are and if they’re not on your bus then they’re not worth your time any more.
P.S I completely understand people have their own issues going on but I do not think it’s an excuse to completely ignore someone who’s going through trauma ( they do know !)

My mother died last year and no one paid any attention except for a German work colleague with great social skills and a man who is best known around the office for telling the boss that his female colleagues are hos in order to take their jobs and opportunities! I have a very busy, stressful job and feel I am more tolerant than most about friends who have other things going on. Yet even I was surprised by their absence.

I think your feelings are valid but at the same time, I wouldn't react too strongly. We can't force people to care. I would see this situation more in terms of needing to find time to cultivate good friendships.

My guess is that because you've been gone taking care of your husband and the situation with your parents that people have drifted away. You say that you understand people have their own things going on, but be honest with yourself. Do you really know what struggles your friends have been dealing with? Could it be that they feel neglected? The other possibility, which I have encountered as someone who has spent years living overseas, is that they're typical Brits and have poor social skills, where they just can't be bothered to make an effort and expect others to do all the work of keeping relationship going!

Whether your friends don't care as much as good friends should or have drifted off because they've been having their own struggles and you haven't been there for them, this situation is bothering you enough that I'd treat it as a wake-up call. Start looking for new friends at a new hobby or try meetup.com. Get in touch with old friends. And when you find yourself getting angry, stop the thoughts. There's no point in upsetting yourself. It's best to know earlier that people aren't who we thought they were.

It is strange - during the lengthy terminal illness of my husband I discovered that there are simply some people who cannot deal with illness. Some, who I had seen as close friends, kept away - for example about a month ago a couple whom we both knew well - and indeed had stayed in their French home on several occasions - came to see me. It was 2.5 years since my husband died and no contact in between. They chatted away as if nothing had happened.

And some people said things that were deeply tactless - so could have done without their "support." Someone (a relative) stood at the graveside with me and said "Well, I wouldn't want to be buried - I am going to be burned."

Did I need that at that moment? - I think not.

But the other side of this coin is that there have been people who have been so supportive - and sometimes people I would not have expected.

I send you a hug and every good wish. Life can be hard sometimes I know.

I think what I’m doing at the moment is protecting myself against further hurt and disappointment as life is too hard anyway.
I simply can’t let people close ( certainly not at the moment while my husband is so poorly )
I know the situation with my parents has also affected my ability to trust people. If your parents can hurt you so badly then there’s a fair chance other people will find it much easier.
I have some amazing friends and strangely people who are really acquaintances just checking in randomly. I’m not the type of person who constantly needs support but I think it’s just people showing they’re thinking about you sometimes that matters most. Makes you feel less alone.

probably best to almost ‘park’ the relationships rather than cut them off ….. see how I feel down the line

and I’m sorry to hear your stories. I hope you’re both ok ❤️

Sorry to hear of your struggles, OP.

Don't respond to what you think they should have been: you're not the person to make decisions about that. They should be exactly who they are, nothing more, nothing less.

Respond to what they are, and to your emotional response to them is. There is no wrong or right. If you feel you need to pull away to protect yourself, any other response would be to disrespect yourself.

There is not final arbiter of your 'reasonable-ness'. Some will think you reasonable, some won't. You are the only judge who matters when it comes to whether you are behaving rightly. You, too, should be exactly who you are, nothing more, nothing less.