Perspective needed. Emotions or not caring or misdirected anger?

[Winemygoodenemy]

Not too sure if I am being harsh on my partner or not think straight. My mum died a few weeks ago. She didn’t live near me and was very unexpected. My partner of 10 months was great. We live an hour away and was instantly by my side. Drove me 7 hours to my family and generally helped with the practical things, fixed house stuff and was an emotional crutch for 5 days. much needed as I was numb and in a trance. Think I still am.

We only see each other 1/2 times a week and we had become less chatty on text due to both having busy lives. I felt we were becoming more fwb than progressing a relationship. Also admit I was grumpy and probably becoming distant as I missed him and don’t want to get hurt.

Since my mum passed he has been distant and a bit insensitive. previously he was a good communicator and affectionate, not so much now. But I am not too sure if that is more to do with I have taken time off and not got much to do so overthinking. Examples that I am not happy with.

Christmas he was suppose to come with me for a few days to my family. He didn’t, as I was coming for longer to sort things out and he had only met my parents once briefly and my siblings on the day after my mum died. He went abroad and got drunk for 4 days. Over Christmas he kept sex texting and asking for pictures, which I dont do and he knows this. I was not happy with him as still grieving. He apologised.

i unfortunately broke my ankle over Christmas. He collected me from the train and helped get food in etc. but not helped much since. Has taken me out once and driven me to his. But nothing much. Watched me struggle cooking dinner. looked embarrassed when I was slowly walking in crutches.

new years we had arranged to go to separate events. I couldn’t and didn’t want to go. He asked if he should go to his. I said stay if you want but not really in mood to celebrate, he said he would go. He ended up not staying out at his long and was up throughout the night with heartburn. He only gets this with stress. He at pitted afterwards that he shouldn’t have gone and couldn’t have a good time as I was at home alone. Said he should have stayed. Granted the day before he offered to take me away over new years for a few days to rest at an amazing hotel, but I said no as I wanted to be at home and sleep. Said I needed a few days alone.

Other day whilst at his, I started my period with horrible cramps. It was late by 1 month but I blamed stress. In bed he was being lovely hugging me and being nice as I was upset. He then moved my hand to his penis and I moved it away and said was in my period. He continued to cuddle me and moved my hand back there. I said last thing I wanted to do and left the bed. Previously I may have given him a fondle, but wasn’t in the mood.

I came back 10 minutes later and he gave me a big hug and said I know you are upset, I read the room wrong. I explained my mum died and I don’t want to have sex. Sorry if that makes me a shit girlfriend. He said I am not shit and he loved me. He said he didn’t know what to do, as I asked for time alone and he has given it to me, by not seeing me and only calling me daily to make sure I am ok, instead of our checking in texts throughout the day.

But he seems to be making wrong choices. Said he can’t see me more due to work hours and I can’t drive so can’t come over much as I would be stuck - he lives rurally and I am in a city. He says he doesn’t know what to do and don’t know what I want.

I am due back to work on a week. He thinks I need to get a routine and will feel better when back to work and have a distraction. . But, due to broken foot I will be wfh alone. He also says I am pushing friends away as I won’t take up their offers of help. Friends are coming over, but I am fed up hosting them. Constant cleaning up etc. is saying don’t cone round. It’s also difficult to have a shower.

Am I overthinking this? Is he being insensitive and not supporting, or am I giving mixed messages? he seems to think normal service should resume.

It’s hard as my mum gave me the gift of time as was really stressed before and now have a broken foot and can’t do much.

It sounds like you are very depressed.

It is difficult for the partners of those who are feeling like this. They have to be carers rather than partners, and it sounds like he feels he has done what he can, but possibly can't support you emotionally as you need.

I think you are missing your mum and that kind of support. Sadly no one can offer that same thing, which of course makes it worse for you.

I would try not to lean on him and to find other ways to process your grief. If you put him in the position of being your carer/sole support, it will probably destroy your relationship. I would try to focus on what he has done for you, which is considerable. People do what they can, and it leads to further unhappiness to wish they were different.

My Ex-DH had an accident and broke his hip very badly. He was incapacitated for several months and I had to do everything for him. This was while having a baby and with no family support. He had also been very needy emotionally up to this point and I felt he quite relished having me look after him. The accident was not his fault, but when he was back on his feet I realised I no longer loved him. Caring for an adult for a long time destroys romance, unless there is a LOT in the emotional bank.

You have had one horrible thing after another happen to you and he simply does not know how to handle it. The only red flag for me is him watching you hobble on crutches while cooking. The rest is about your grief. I am sorry for your loss. You will feel like this for a long time. Maybe when something like this happens to him he will realise how bad you are feeling now.
Cut him some slack and don't overthink things.

Am I overthinking this? Is he being insensitive and not supporting, or am I giving mixed messages

The key to not making your life a living hell by overthinking isn't to miraculously stop yourself from thinking about things, it's to recognise that situations that make you too thinky aren't good for you, and to walk away from them.

It's been 10 months, and he's got your questioning your own behaviour. Recognise incompatibility, stop blaming yourself, and move on. If you're giving mixed messages, a compatible partner would respect you and accept that, not turn insensitive and unsupportive.