Do abusive people change

[jiyer]

I was with my ex for three years. We were engaged. The relationship was emotionally abusive.

I was constantly on eggshells around him, it was like he had a split personality. He would get angry and break things. He loved arguments and conflict with anyone. He always wanted to know where I was. He was jealous. Everything was my fault. He started to gaslight me. He sucked all of the fun out of me and I lived miserably. I kept a diary of his behaviour each day for 6 months.

Eventually I ended it, gave him back the ring. Luckily we were in rented accommodation so I walked away easily, I feel so much better in myself. He, on the other hand, took it all very badly. He is begging for another chance, he wants to change, he can see the error of his ways, he will do anything to get me back, he's ashamed of himself.

I do not want to go back. I've told him I'm not going back. But it plays on my mind that he is actually going to change.

Is this just part of what abusive people say to reel you back in?

Sadly no they don't. Not without years of counselling and hard work and I've yet to meet a person like that who has done the work required.

Yes it's bullshit
don't fall for it

I think in some specific circumstances a small number of abusive people can change.

The chances of it being true about this guy? I’d say there are two: Bob Hope and no hope. What he’s saying is a script as old as time.

Stay firm OP. You’re happier without him, you don’t need to get sucked back in to his cycle of abuse.

Don't do it. It will be much harder to end it next time as he will have already worn you down.

The biggest predictor of current behaviour is past behaviour! You have a much better chance of finding someone who isn't abusive by looking for a new relationship rather than going back to someone who's already been abusive.

It's very easy to say you've changed but what has he actually done about it? Has he been in long term therapy, for instance? Is he doing yoga or meditation to regulate his emotions? Is he in an anger management programme?

My guess is no to all of these things.

It's bullshit, OP.
No, he hasn't changed.
No, things won't be different.
No, it won't be better.
No, you haven't made a mistake.

Fly away, live a glorious, free life and find someone who values you, respects you and loves you.

He just wants to control you, and it's driving him crazy that you had the nerve to say "no".

It's far more likely that people change on a superficial level, than a deeper level. So, he might stop throwing things, but the impulse will still be there. There's a risk that over time, it will simply be too much work to hold it back and he'll wait before you're vulnerable again before being his true self.

It sounds like you've had a lucky escape. I believe you when you say it was like he had a split personality, but this is actually part of the problem - some people have very contradictory personality traits which leads to a life of dysfunction for them and everyone around them. People stay with such Jekyll & Hyde characters for too long because they hang on to the good side.

The fact that he was so jealous and vigilant of your whereabouts suggests that you would have lived in a cage with him. Eventually, women in such relationships stop going out because the punishment (emotional or physical) is just too much hassle when they come home. If he was like this with you then, then if you ever had children with him it's likely it would escalate.

I think he's already shown you who he really is and unfortunately for him, you've had the wisdom to end it.

Please know that even if they cry, it doesn't mean that they actually love you or are truly sorry for the reasons you hope they are. What they are crying about is the fact that the one person who they could abuse has left them. He's crying because his comfort blanket, emotional punchbag, support and sex is gone. He's missing the services you used to provide him, but that's not the same as liking, loving or respecting you as a whole person.

he'll wait until you're vulnerable again before being his true self*

good advice here; I'm afraid my rather glib answer is 'yes; they get worse'.

Stay away from him OP. Remember how long it took you to get out.

"I do not want to go back. I've told him I'm not going back. But it plays on my mind that he is actually going to change"

Stick to your mantra of not going back. Stop letting it play on your mind that he is actually going to change; you are not going back to him anyway.

"Is this just part of what abusive people say to reel you back in?"
Yes and its a well worn script.

No they do not change.