Could I get some marriage advice please

[Mollie4]

Me and DH are both in our early 30s and have been married 3 years with 1 DC.

Our marriage was great at first but now we are always bickering with eachother. It is usually over who does what around the house, I feel he doesn't do much he thinks he does enough.

For the last month we've both been doing our separate things around the house, and only communicate if necessary. He focusses on his hobbies and me on mine.

We both work from home so are always around eachother which I think is part of the problem.

We both own this house and it is mortgage free but I don't want to leave or sell at the moment. I am thinking of waiting a while and then seeing how the marriage is and make a decision.

I wanted to ask does marriage get easier over time. Is it ok to live with eachother as it is comfortable and DC will have the support of both parents.

Small children and house work are tough. However, you have to keep talking and communicating properly. Ignoring each other for a month indicates a dangerous path to the end.

I would air your fears. Say you don't want to divorce but they way you both are acting makes it a real possibility as you are unhappy and that is frightening you. Ask what he would like fixed and air your opinions too.

@Thingshavebecomeweird

exactly
finding a way to talk safely is key

I echo the points above, you need to talk as there is every chance that he feels the same way and wants to sort things out.

Having children is hard, before we had our dc we barely argued, it was very different when we were both sleep deprived for years!

Do you make time for each other, go out on dates etc? You have to put effort in like any relationship. Sometimes when our little girl is at nursery and we both work from home we go for a walk or lunch out so we don’t have to worry about finding a babysitter.

He says I am constantly moaning at him, but I just feel exhausted. I just want his support around the house. I love him to bits and I know he loves me too and we both want this marriage to work. He has ADHD and sometimes it is difficult for me to cope with.

Can you afford a cleaner? Alternatively you can draw up a list of tasks and divide them up on a planner or somethihn.

My husband has never been one for a social life, I'm the more social one. I go on holiday with my friends and DC. We do go out for meals as we both enjoy eating out.

Could you afford a cleaner to remove at least one of the barriers?

May also be a good idea to look at whether you could get some/ some extra childcare in place to give you some Time in your own as a couple without the stress of having a young child to look after.

I think the main thing here is sitting down, having an honest conversation about what each of you see as being the problem and finding a solution. You may find there is more common ground than you think.

Hope you can work it out

Could you get some counselling as it will give you both an opportunity to hear each other. Unfortunately sometimes people with ADHD can be extremely sensitive to criticism so see you complaining about his efforts as criticism which obviously it isn't, just asking for fair play. Maybe writing up the chores rather than saying anything might help. Have ye studied ADHD together to see maybe how you both could play to its strengths. Often they get bouts of extremel concentration so maybe he could do a massive clean in those times while you take care of the smaller details which, in my experience, they are poor at. And l think he should go on holidays with you and dc as its a lovely break together from housework and responsibilities and time to bond. Is he on medication for ADHD?
Try and get a counsellor who gets how ADHD manifests so ye can get help. Don't settle for just drifting along growing further apart.
My ds has ADHD and it was only seeing him struggle that l realised dh has a lot of those same struggles and strengths and it has made it easier for me to accept . But understanding the whole thing is key. Lots onine about it and people sharing their own experiences. But it is not easy and needs a LOT of understanding.

What attracted you to him in the first place? Why did you want to get married?

Can you outsource the drudgery?

I would really recommend Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy. It’s a fantastic resource for long-term relationships and how to communicate effectively.

In my experience this is pretty standard (the bickering etc, not the month of living separately together). Your relationship has been through a huge upheaval, roles and identities have changed. It is the biggest change the two of you will ever go through. As PPs have said, and as you know yourself, the current coping strategy isn't healthy and you both need to find a way to talk. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, try to find a way to remember what you enjoy about him. Good luck x

I have ADHD and yes it makes day to day household chores a struggle.
I can’t just intuitively know/remember what needs to be done. I have a rota with 30mins or so I housework I do each day. Plus Saturday mornings DH and I deep clean the kitchen and bathrooms. It only takes and hour now the DC are old enough to mind themselves so we work at the same time. Small DC are a challenge as everything takes longer and they used to completely derail me! So DH would watch/play with the DC while I did the kitchen and then I’d watch/play while he did the bathrooms.

My rota is written on a whiteboard stuck to the fridge…so I can see Monday…oh it’s dust and hoover upstairs day..I can then tick it off and every Sunday, I erase the ticks for the coming week and re-tick as I get the jobs done. Yes, I’d forget I had done them if I did not do this…ADHD can be really difficult at times.

My DH has ADHD as well, but it’s milder than mine and usually is forgetfulness like misplacing his phone or losing his train of thought. He remembers his regular chores and only needs a list for the odd jobs that pop up.

Cooking, I rely on timers and alarms to knock out basic meals. The more complicated ones DH does, he cooks over half the time tbf. But I do the online grocery shop from a list we keep and add to during the week. So that’s how we balance that out. Play to our strengths.