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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finally reached breaking point - need to follow through

10 replies

breakingpoint289 · 08/01/2023 09:10

NC as don't want this linked to my other threads, as I am don't trust exDP not looking.

Finally reached breaking point. And need to now follow through with this being over. I need some hand holds to do this as I feel completely sick.

Been together 6 years ish, kids but none together. It has had its ups and downs as blended life does, but things have increasingly become worse.

Money is not great, we pay 50/50 but sometimes I am left paying more without any discussion about this. If I bring it up I just get told it'll be sorted but then it isn't.

It all came to a head yesterday, I tried to do something nice for us, for a birthday and got the shittiest reaction ever, for no reason. Tried to discuss and got nowhere, I was upset, he didn't care. Just kept going at me. So I cancelled it, then got had a go at for that, even though that's what he clearly wanted. It escalated from there with shouting and then being spoken to like an absolute piece of shit, which always happens. Get called names, told I'm wrong (when I know I'm not) gaslighting basically, making me think I can't remember what happened or that things were different to how I know they were.

I got spoken to like shit in front of my son, and he was looking at me like what is going on, so that was final straw for me. My son shouldn't think it's acceptable to speak to a woman like that.

I have also noticed as times gone on, we have a lot of differing opinions and some of his have now escalated into the territory IMO of being sexist, racist and homophobic. I don't want that in my or my kids lives either, as we couldn't be more opposite to that in our views.

I don't feel he makes the effort with my family, which is very important to me, or my friends which is less important as I am happy to see them alone. But I make lots of effort with/for his family.

I feel like I walk on eggshells a lot about decisions I make with my kids cause I know he won't agree with them, and then have to prepare myself for a debate about it when frankly they are my kids and I'll do as I like with them.

I've just had enough, I would rather be alone than deal with this.

It's going to be a bit of a struggle, there is debt that's been accumulated I will be left with. He will effectively be able to walk away, no consequences other than the fact the house is mine, and start again. But I have decided it is now worth it. I will get myself back on my feet in time and I need to realise what is the most important thing, happiness, my kids, my morals, dignity etc. and put my big girl pants on. But I need some moral support for this! So I have come to get some.

OP posts:
Phenolet · 08/01/2023 09:20

Stay strong, you've got this. You and your children deserve much better. It might be awful now but soon enough it will all be worth it!

breakingpoint289 · 08/01/2023 09:25

@Phenolet Thankyou! You are right it will be worth it. Going to have to break the news to the kids later. Not looking forward to that part.

OP posts:
SeenAndNot · 08/01/2023 09:29

You’re better to get your life back and have to deal with the debt than continue to live in this hell. Get out and don’t look back. You and your son deserve better.

firstmummy2019 · 08/01/2023 09:53

Best to break up now than in a few years with more debt, your self esteem destroyed and your children witnessing even more abusive behaviour. You are in a good position in that you are not married and the house is yours. Tell him to leave. Change the locks. Good riddance!

BraveGoldie · 08/01/2023 18:33

Well done for making the decision OP.

You absolutely don't want someone in your and your son's life who talks to you like shut, gaslights and is prejudiced.

You deserve way way better! I know the road ahead will be hard but I'm sure you can make it!

Do you have a plan? Have you told him?

JobSeekingMissile · 09/01/2023 00:11

@breakingpoint289 good for you. Don't look back

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 09/01/2023 00:53

Hey OP, you don’t need the support lovely you already know what you have to do! Kick his abusive ass out & live a happy stress free life with your family where you all respect one another. You have totally got this 👊🏼 When he is out the door might be good to sit the family down & just have a chat. The family may need to speak about arguments etc they have witnessed & they may well be looking to you for answers. My only question is the debt & why you would be left with it?

breakingpoint289 · 09/01/2023 06:25

I have told him and have stayed mostly out of the way. It will not be an overnight thing due to the kids etc. But I have made it clear I am not changing my mind.

@DutifulDaughterWifeMother it's in my name, currently paid 50/50 but it's ultimately in my name so I'd be liable. Not worth trying to get him to pay as I just want to cut ties. What some of the debt paid for I would keep (car). Even though I wouldn't have that if I had the choice alone, it's done now, I've worked out I can manage even though it'll be a bit of a stretch.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 09/01/2023 06:37

Well done OP. A better calmer life for you and your kids starts here.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 09/01/2023 06:48

You need out and you're not trapped!? Woop woop bring on the marching band, you'll soon be free! Free! 🥳
The debt will get smaller and it will be so much easier to take it when you're not feeling like crap from his horrible behaviour and when he isn't sneakily using your money and not paying it back.
Debt you can afford (even if it's only just) doesn't ruin your self esteem.
Your son will be pleased I'm sure even if there will be things he'll miss. No-one enjoys seeing their mum treated like poo.
Rip off that plaster and enjoy your new calm life.

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