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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me make sense of something

22 replies

Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 01:44

Hi,

This feels like a ridiculous post. But I gonna post any way hoping someone can help me untangle it as it is keeping me awake tonight.

I moved to a country suburb a decade ago as my husbands family lived here. During my marriage my already weak relationship with my brother went v downhill. I won’t bother going into the details only basically I had a very very hard time having my kids and was down and it bothered him. ‘Everyone has problems’, but he holds firm and at this stage we spoke about 3 years ago. My mother hasn’t helped. He is the golden child, if the shoe was on the other foot it would be entirely different.

About 12 months ago he and his young family are loving to the small village I have made my home. Yes it is nice place to live but there are plenty of places to live, why where I live when he has made it very clear he doesn’t want to know me.

There is plenty more context but I think it’s too outing. I have a feeling my mother is babysitting their kids this weekend so they can view a house in the village. They’ve already viewed one of my friends houses, I found out from my friend. It gives me the creeps.

Am I unreasonable or over sensitive to feel massively erked (or my independence as a person a bit violated) by this and genuinely anxious about the future. Betrayed by my mother, which doesn’t really surprise me as I’ll never complete, but nonetheless hurt. The the life I have built here in this small place where I knew no one holds no weight and he just steamrolls in. I will meet my brother in the coffee shop and he won’t speak to me. How do I handle this? I know I simply cannot raise it with my family as I will be shot down by him and Mum and I’m so worn out by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 01:45

Dammit typo moving not loving!

…. About 12 months ago he and his young family are moving to the very small village I have made my home. Yes it is nice place to live but there are plenty of places to live, why where I live when he has made it very clear he doesn’t want to know me.

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Ofcourseshecan · 08/01/2023 02:05

Poor you.Is your sister-in-law equally hostile, or might she talk sense into him? Do you have good friends in the village? Might your brother even need your help to get into local circles?

You have my sympathy, OP. I hope someone can come up with helpful ideas.

Mumblechum0 · 08/01/2023 02:09

That’s so strange of them, to move to your small community when presumably they don’t want anything to do with you!
it’s going to be awkward as people who know you, but not the backstory are naturally going to expect them to be invited to your parties/bbqs etc, and you’ll bump into them at everyone else’s celebrations once they make friends with people (I’m presuming the village is small enough that there’d have to be some mingling).

im in a smallish (100 home) village and can totally see why this is freaking you out.

sorry I don’t know what to advise but I do sympathise.

let’s just hope they see their dream house elsewhere

Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 02:11

No she’s fine, plays her cards quite close to her chest, as a pair it’s like the secret service (rest of siblings agree). Yes I do have good friends, it was a tough place to move to We knew one one and I worked really hard to build a life here and now he rolls in with all his resentment and judgement of the past, it’s like being a kids again and him as my big brother. The fact there’s been no olive branch or any communication with us that it’s happening and I hear it by accident through the grapevine. It is just really rude and shows no regard for our family life. I can’t imagine helping I mean he even talk to me.

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Snippedasababy · 08/01/2023 02:13

I get you feeling a bit odd about your brothers decision to move there. It is very odd and is likely to impact you.

Not sure you can blame your mum for this incident though. She isn’t going to say ‘I will only babysit if you don’t look at X village’. She either babysits or doesn’t.

Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 02:13

Such a relief to hear I’m not mental. I’ve been totally gaslight by my mother on it and I feel so powerless. I will literally have to drive by their house every day. It’s the covertness and secrecy that has given me the creeps.

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Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 02:14

What can I do without coming over like the crazy one?

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MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 08/01/2023 02:17

Very fucking peculiar.

All you can do is grey rock the bastards. Keep your lovely community as it is, he can’t poison it; match them when you see them - if they ignore then you ignore. If they nod, nod. Keep your boundaries intact and they can’t do anything. They can be as weird and inappropriate as they like, you can stay in your own lane and protect your own energy.

Try to shrug about it. So what if he moves here? Not my problem, etc.

Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 02:23

It just occurred to me the last time he ever called me was to ask for a loan of 10k to help with the close of his previous house.

Peculiar is exactly the word. Thank you for the advice.

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Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 02:24

There’s no way I can prevent it happening is there?? I dread it.

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aonbharr · 08/01/2023 03:02

peculiar is an excellent word. Is this a village near where you grew up? Or somewhere completely random. For example if you come from x city and it has 3 country suburbs or are are we talking somewhere completely and totally unrelated. Your mother is key here. It probably suits her to have all grandchildren and children in the same place and so probably has a hand in it. Does he know you live here as you haven't spoken in years?

LadySweetPea · 08/01/2023 03:06

It's not a ridiculous post at all, your brother is putting you in a very uncomfortable situation.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do as such other than to remind yourself that you are in the stronger position. You are established in this village, you know the locals and you have friends.

On the other hand, they have no-one.

I would not be confiding in my mum though if she was like yours. I think you need to accept that she is not trustworthy and to guard your privacy.

If your brother does end up moving to the village, let your friends know that you could do with support around it. Get them banned from local businesses haha.

Actually, it reminds me of a past neighbour who was an utter twat. Other neighbours and I learned that he was from a big and criminal family who basically caused trouble everywhere they went. When we found out where they were moving we sent the information to a friend who leads the local business association :)

Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 03:34

No it’s not at all where we grew up. It’s a suburb of a main city, one of many. I suppose it would be seen as a win for him to live in this particular nice desirable village, me aside.

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Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 03:39

You are so right about the grandkids I never thought of that. So obvious t on me now. She’s quite the matriarch so this totally suits.

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Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 03:39

A total headfuck is what it is.

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Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 03:43

And yes he totally knows I live her and I think was envious from the get go which didn’t help our relationship.

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aonbharr · 08/01/2023 04:40

What a difficult situation. I am not even sure what to advise. Is his wife as difficult to have a relationship with? Are your children and his near in age, same school, same or different classes? For now until you see how this plays out, tell yourself they are like neighbours/relative strangers you have fallen out with over a boundary. A quick nod (I would acknowledge them if you are both in the same shop for example) and move on without any other recognition. So you don’t show it bothers you, more an irrelevance. I’d be very careful with your mother also. Hold fire for now, you don’t know yet where he will end up living until the contracts are done, It might not work out for him and if it isn’t a few houses down, you can still create space from him. But when all is said and done I’d be preparing a few serious words for her and her duplicity.

SummerWhisper · 08/01/2023 05:45

I hope you didn't lend him the £10K! It sounds like he is envious and is now showing you he can compete with you. You have the life that he wants. What a prat. Just tell people (if they ask) that you don't have much of a relationship with him. Most will eventually suss out what a tosser he is.

ittakes2 · 08/01/2023 08:51

please google borderline personality disorder and sees if it applies to your mum.
If he buys a house I would get in first and do what you did here - confide in close friends your poor relationship with your brother and how you are puzzled he is moving here. don't say anything bad about him or you will look mean....but at least if they ever meet him they know where you stand already

MeinKraft · 08/01/2023 08:56

Maybe your mother thinks you need your heads knocking together, and hopes you'll grow close to your brother again living in the same area.

Mememene · 08/01/2023 09:08

He could be doing it to wind you up. You have to ignore him, not react, in my opinion. The only way to handle this is to do nothing.

If he moves in, ignore him.

I think he's after a reaction. Toxic people are toxic people regardless of whether we are blood relations of them or not.

Your mum may be harder, but if you try to remember there's something very wrong with her and nothing wrong with you, you may find a way to pity her rather than make you feel less than.

It took me not years but decades to manage this with my own mother, but finally got some peace between my ears from her. She can't hurt me any more no matter what she did or said.

That's such a nice place to be.

You can't change their behaviour, you can only change how you react to it.

Original poster
Fourhorses · 08/01/2023 16:26

Thanks everyone for assuring me I’m not being a drama queen about this in my head, it really has deeply disturbed me. And thanks for all the advice as to reasonable ways to deal with it. Sure you never know what’s around the corner, everything in life is temporary x

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