Feel like my life is falling apart

[maybeinanotherlife22]

I'm so sorry for writing a depressing post but I'm looking for some reassurance because I honestly don't think anything is going to be ok from now on .

I have been with my fiancé 13 years . I'm not going to lie and say everything has been great because I would be lying . A lot of emotional abuse from him and about 3-4 occasions of physical. He has had an awful past growing up so I always felt sorry for him and forgive him .

I suffer with severe anxiety and knew when I was really bad that it wasn't fair on him having to put up with me constantly worrying and crying so went on antidepressants. I'm on 200mg of sertraline and I can say they have saved my life . The only thing is the have made me kind of emotionless .

My partner a few months ago said that he couldn't deal with the change in me and I had to come off them or he would go . I came off them and stupidly just stopped taking them . I was pretty sick so went back on them without telling him . I didn't want to really come off them because living with what I was feeling was no life at all . I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

He then seen I had my tablets and kicked off again . So I have given them up for good . I have been thinking that because I was always weak when I wasn't on them . I needed him more than I should of and I severely think he loved it . He loved me crying and begging him to stay when he would kick off and leave for no reason . Thinking back to what I was like it was pathetic.

I'm not like this at all on the tablets . A few weeks ago he said that he's not happy , doesn't love me anymore and is leaving . I was upset but still couldn't cry because I'm assuming the tablets were still in my system. Well today I can 100 percent say they have worn off .

It's the first time I have cried in so long . But I'm feeling awfully emotional. I know it's for the best if he goes but he's still living here and it's so hard . He said he would go when he's ready but I don't know when that will be and if I keep asking he keeps losing his temper . I'm basically living up stairs and him down .

I'm having all these thoughts in my head today feeling guilty for doing all this to him . Thinking I don't want him to go and I'm so sorry for being the reason we are where we are all because of them tablets that i took for him in the first place . I was petrified he would leave if I continued to be as anxious as I was .

I havnt stopped crying today and I havnt felt this low for so long .

Has anyone felt like this nut everything has worked out for the best once they go ? I'm worrying about money , the house , everything right now . Thankyou if you managed to read the whole post and I'm
Sorry it is so long

You need to resume taking your medication and you need to end this toxic relationship. He emotionally and physically abuses you - don't you think you deserve better? You will probably find your anxiety and depression improves naturally once this arsehole is out of your life. What's your housing situation? Mortgage, rent? Is he on the mortgage/tenancy?

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" you can find it for free online. It will help you realise that your fiancé fits the abuser mould. Also consider doing The Freedom Programme.

OP, you deserve so much better than this spiteful, abusive man. Do restart the medication, and use it to help you leave him and set up a better life without him. Then, if your GP agrees, start weaning yourself off the drugs if you can manage without them. He sounds like the cause of your unhappiness and anxiety.

You are being abused and I don’t think you’re ready to make the change just yet.

I will say that you need to accept that taking care of yourself means you can better care for others. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

So knowing that you need to go ahead and get right. If it means medications then that’s what it will take.

You are being abused. 13 years together with a fiancée is telling. I agree with PP who have said to read “why does he do that?” It will shock you and wise you up. The author has the chops because of working with these abusers. Abusers follow a very similar script. It’s actually shocking.

Take up for yourself .

OP please stay on the meds I have a relative on sertraline when she stops taking them she feels a lot worse & they do have adverse side effects (getting emotional is one of them) which is why your GP will not recommend you just stop taking them.

ASAP dump your fiance after 13 years your not going to get a ring on your finger you deserve way better so dump, move on then concentrate on your own health & happiness & before you know it good things will naturally happen to you.

He sounds like a negative person who is taking advantage of your anxiety & possibly based on what you say is the cause of it as well....

Echo what other posters have said. You need to start taking the medication again. You also need to kick this guy out of your life, this is abuse. He wants you to be sad and needing him, as you have identified. No loving partner wants their partner to suffer, this isn’t how relationships should be at all

Echoing what everyone else has said. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if your anxiety decreases significantly when you’re no longer in this toxic relationship. Keep taking your medication in the meantime.

Lovely please listen to all PP’s. Your MH will improve dramatically out of this relationship. He is abusive, you deserve so much better

Your emotions and anxieties will be heavily influenced by coming off the meds. The turmoil of your unhealthy relationship is also making you ill. You need to resume taking the medication and only reduce or stop under supervision, you are putting yourself at risk otherwise. And move on from the mess of a relationship you've been in.

You need to take your prescribed medication and end your relationship.
He is controlling you.

Oh op please start taking your tablets again, when you are back on them properly and feeling clearer again you will be able to start to plan to get away from this arsehole x

I agree with what others have said. Please start taking your medication again. He is abusing you. You deserve so much better. This relationship is toxic. It needs to end ASAP. Take care xx

He is abusing you. Your anxiety will almost certainly disappear when he does.

What is the housing situation? Do you own? Rent? In whose name?

Yes I was in a very similar situation 16 years ago. The guy kept on making big dramas and stomping off, threatening to top himself then vanishing at the end of an argument for many many hours. He clearly wanted me ill so he could have the upper hand by being the parent figure/carer. he was physically and emotionally abusive and coerced me into a lot of stuff.

I went on antidepressants for a bit, I’m not sure if it was that or other stuff but I realised what he was up to. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I kicked him out and my life has been 1000 times better ever since. I don’t need antidepressants anymore and I have a loving partner who respects me and treats me well.

Stay on the antidepressants for now - they are bringing a balance to you. Kick this bloke out - he does not care for you, only wants to control you, and your life WILL be happier without him.

If your best mate had cancer but told you she won't take meds to treat it as their other half said they couldn't deal with it making them tired, what would you advise her? To carry on not taking them or that he clearly didn't care about her well being and her health is far more important than the whims of some fella??

Your mental health is THE most important thing here. Please keep on the medication. Once you are feeling better you will be able to see how this man is controlling you and you will have more chance of walking away if you are stronger mentally.

Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply to me . Iv had an awful few days where I have been feeling really low . Which is unusual after stopping them because I tried last year because of how they were affecting my partner and all I felt was really I'll physically . Sick , dizzy ect . Nothing like I'm experiencing now . I have taken my first two now . I can't go on like this just to make a man happy . I have my children to think about . My daughter yesterday said I'm like a ticking time bomb lately 😢. That changed my mind for me

He has had an awful past growing up so I always felt sorry for him and forgive him

Who did you do this for as a child? Forgive them, and dismiss your own feelings, because you had no choice but to stay? Which parent?

Your behaviour is learnt behaviour; it's not who you are. The part of you that is anxious is who you are, and the reason she's anxious is because you don't listen to her. Anybody would get anxious if they were around someone they weren't safe with, and nobody heard their pleas to leave. If you start to listen to that part of you, the real part (rather than your conditioned behaviour and thought patterns), your anxiety will dim. You'll feel much more competent and capable. You'll be able to see more clearly. You'll be able to solve your problems.

Whichever parent you were dismissing your feelings for has prevented you from listening to your feelings at any point so far in your life. Now is the time to listen. Demonstrate to your daughter that if a relationship feels crap, you leave. It will be one of the most valuable lessons you ever teach her, and you will be breaking a cycle that may well have gone on for generations.

OP
Please take your meds. They'll enable you to make better decisions without the anxiety 'talking' to you. If you don't like the side effects, talk to your GP and see if there's something they can do, but otherwise keep taking them.

Is the house owned/rented? Whose name is it in? If he's refusing to leave, it might be worth getting some legal advice. This is not a good relationship and it sounds as though you've been hoodwinked into believing '3 or 4 occasions of physical abuse' in a few years is 'not too bad'. Honestly, no physical abuse is acceptable, ever. People in normal, healthy relationships do not abuse each other.

There is a whole world out there just waiting for you to get away from this man. You can do this!

I was petrified he would leave if I continued to be as anxious as I was .
And then it turned out that he preferred the anxious you: he left when you stopped being anxious and easy to control. Thank goodness you went on the medication and were finally able to see through him.
Without him there, playing mind games, I bet you'll start to see much more of his behaviour in a different light.

He said he would go when he's ready but I don't know when that will be
You poor thing - I had this too and it's horrible. In the end, what shifted him was my making it unpleasant for him to stay. I came downstairs, occupied the kitchen, sat on the settee, talked to him about leaving and got on his nerves. Don't know if that is an option for you.

You don't base whether or not to take meds on how another person is around you. Especially an untrustworthy abusive person who does not have your interests at heart.
He is looking after his own interests by keeping you in a weakened state, meanwhile you are also trying to do his bidding by coming off the meds. So if you are both just considering his needs, where do you figure in this? You need to start looking after yourself as it's clear he is not going to.
Love comes from within, you have to care and love yourself before being in a place where you can effectively care for others.
Imagine a life where you don't have to walk on eggshells, where you don't put up with or receive any abuse. That could be you once he has gone, the sooner, the better. If meds give you a bit of strength to end it, you absolutely need them, he may well have sussed this and is keeping you dependent on him by making you stop them. It's not up to him.