So sad that my marriage is ending...

[jasmineRiz]

Been together 16 years with 3dc.

He told me he doesn't want to leave but can see how unhappy I am. He says he's fed up and tired of being blamed for everything and being told he's not good enough. He says he is actually okay and that it's me. And with that said he's leaving as soon as he finds a place to rent.

I didn't ask him to stay but I'm scared about the whole thing. Will I be able to cope. I worry how it will affect the DC. How I will cope financially.

I feel sad but numb. I haven't even cried and I feel I ought to under the circumstances.

Not sure what I want from this post. Just a handhold I guess.

It feels like you two are unhappy - and communication has broken down.
Do you think there is truth on what he said - do you blame him for all the unhappiness?
In real life - it’s rare that one side is the villain. It takes two to make the relationship unhappy.
Have you tried marriage counselling?

There is 100 % a communication issue. I have always said that. Even this conversation, it lasted less than 5 mins!
We haven't tried counselling. We haven't really tried anything.

What I'm unhappy with is really 2 areas. Firstly, he is pretty crap with the kids. He doesn't talk to them, doesn't play with them, nothing - he spends most of his time on the laptop.

This then leaves me dealing with the kids on my own, all their needs are met by me. They won't even approach him if they need anything.

If any of the kids are playing up, and he can see I'm stressed, he will just sit there and not intervene or help.

This has built alot of resentment and I feel so hurt that he doesn't care about me or the kids.

Another issue is our marriage in general. He is very quiet, which is fine as I am too. But he barely talks to me. It's just monosyllabic answers and huffs and puffs. He doesn't even do eye contact when he does speak. He ignores me loads when I ask a question. Life is so lonely with him and boring and I feel unloved and invisible.

All this he denies and says things are fine and it's me. I complain when things are fine.

My DH claims that I complain too... I’m absolutely fine & dandy, until he starts shouting at me / losing the rag. Yes, I complain about that.

Been at the end of the road before. Said we’d make it through Christmas & see what happens. Family fun ended in shouting tonight...

It’s so hard when the things get to the point of no return, but you might be there. Nobody actually wants it, but your DH won’t change.

HelloBunny I'm sorry that you're going through that. It's so draining.

The sad thing is, we haven't tried to really make an effort to salvage the relationship and I think it is salvageable but how can we do anything when DH thinks there's nothing wrong and won't change.

Have you tried anything to help? Lots of people say counselling but we can't afford that.

He went to counselling himself. But a lot of the advice seemed to centre on me taking “responsibility” for my part. Which he now spins into me “triggering” him, looking for arguments & escalating things... I’m a peace-loving person. It really didn’t help!

I do shouting & swearing now, which I absolutely hate. Leaving the room or complying straight away, like an old dog, are the other options. I need to get my son away from this toxic dynamic, I really do.

You do have a communication issue - but apart from it being difficult financially and the whole setting up a new life, do you want to stay with this man? He doesn’t seem to contribute much at all to your life does he?

Handhold, OP.

But he's not leaving because you are unhappy, is he? He's leaving because he doesn't want to be married or have a family. He's made that abundantly clear by his behaviour.

Judge by what people do, not what they say.

I’d try marriage counselling, it sounds like communication is the issue not your relationship.

I think men sometimes think they are literally the sperm donor and it's up to the woman to do the rest. Because we carry the child that we were the one that wanted the child so therefore we can deal with the child/children. I remember my partners mum saying that her husband just went along with whatever she wanted when it concerned children. He said "you wanted children so you do all the work bringing them up". My partner even told me he was a useless father and now him and his brother have 0 respect for their father. They look at him as weak as he didn't even discipline them. Their mother used to do evening shifts at work and his father would "look after" them at this time. They used to run about doing whatever they wanted whilst he sat there and let them. Useless. His mother still stayed with him and put it down to him being old fashioned. I just put it down to complete and utter disrespect for his wife and children. Sometimes my partner can be this way and I do think it is because of his father. I, however, do say something and show I am unhappy with this attitude. He does work so I do do a lot more with our son but I expect him to build a relationship with him and do normal fatherly things when he is there.

With regard to your relationship I do think he is part of the problem. If it is really as you tell then, actually, most of the problem. Do you do the same back to him? E.g. huffing and puffing. One word answers. If not and you try to talk to him a lot then he is the majority of the problem. I don't blame you for feeling unhappy. I would feel unhappy in this relationship and I definitely would voice it. The fact that he is ending it without even trying to change things makes me think he wanted it over but doesn't want to be responsible so is blaming you. You're not at fault. Like others have said it is usually never 100% one persons fault. I am so sorry you are going through this.
At the end of any relationship it is natural to feel sad. Especially a relationship as long as yours. You are letting go of all the expectations you had of the relationship. From the worries you write about in the post it seems you are more worried about how you will cope alone. If someone that made you happier took his place would that still make you worried or is it specifically being without him? As I see it, he isn't much of a father so I can't see the children missing out on much with his absence. They may even be happier seeing you are happy.
If you had all the resources to be alone would it worry you as much? Would you still care?
Lastly, life is way too short to spend it unhappy. Imagine if by being alone you were able to open up opportunities to be happy with someone else. It doesn't even have to be someone else. You could be happy alone. You may look back and thank your lucky stars this happened.