Hi everyone
I’ve been with my oh for 12 years and married for 4. We have 3 daughters together and I have an older son who is now 17 but was 6 when we met.
We have always rowed and had a fiery relationship but the last couple of years it’s got much much worse.
I’m sorry that this will be a really long rambling post.
Firstly, he seems to just have a huge chip on his shoulder when it comes to my son.
He slags him off, name calls and puts him down. Very rarely to his face but always in earshot. My son hates confrontation so doesn’t call him out on it.
He used to be really good with my son but as he’s got older he just seems to constantly pass comments whenever he’s around. It’s awkward and makes my son uncomfortable.
If me and my oh have an argument about him not doing enough to help him, his go to is to say “what about your son” or “tell him to do it”.
My son didn’t do well at school and was recently diagnosed with adhd. He’s since become a successful actor and is away most of the week filming 12 hour days. I’m immensely proud of him but my oh hasn’t said a word to him about how well he’s done and just complains about the fact that he’s not doing chores when he’s back at the weekend. I personally couldn’t care less about the chores. He moans or rolls his eyes when I go and pick him up or drop him somewhere (which il happily do for my girls too and he doesn’t complain). When I call him out on his behaviour he says he just “wants him to spend time with the family” or plays dumb and says he hasn’t done anything. Claims that if my son spent time either his sisters he wouldn’t pass the comments.
My son has now said he wants to move out as it’s not a nice atmosphere and he spoke out and said he thinks he’s a gaslighter and a manipulator. I personally would rather the oh goes as he’s the nasty one. I feel awful for allowing him to feel uncomfortable in his own home.
With me and him he’s just rude and uncaring. Will claim he loves me but doesn’t actively do anything to show that. He speaks down to me a lot of the time and expects me to be grateful for living here for free in his words. I work full time from home but still have to manage childcare and the house. Nothing I do is enough, if I don’t have a job due to looking after my 1 year old, then he throws out “get a job you sponger” in arguments.
If I have a job, then he doesn’t pull his weight and then tells me I’m just “sat at a computer all day” just because it’s not manual labour.
He slags off my insecurities when the argument has gone on a while and never apologises anymore for his behaviour.
I do most things around the house and have to do all the sleepless nights. Imo he should be getting up with the kids so I can catch up being as he sleeps all night. But he doesn’t get up and then I lose it and have to listen to him telling the kids how “I’ve started again” and “it’s not fair on them”
I’ve said change your behaviour and there will be no issues but he doesn’t see this.
The joke is he gets paid into his own bank account then sends me money to cover the bills. But will then go around saying that he has no money because I’ve got it all. Forever playing the victim
My issue is I just don’t know how I can leave. My daughters would be devastated. I’ve asked him to leave but he says he won’t unless I forcibly remove him. we private rent so it’s not his house at all.
Part of me thinks I should just bite my tongue and carry on being miserable until I’ve got some things in order to be able to start again somewhere.
But the other part of me knows that the arguing isn’t good for the kids and everyday he will continue with his lazy, self absorbed rude behaviour and il continue to pull him up on it and then be accused of “starting”. He claims all I need to do is just stop arguing and all will be fine. Completely ignoring what the arguments are actually about.
He’s said many times that he will just plod along and he’s willing to put up with me to see his kids everyday.
He’s a vile human in my eyes and I deserve more than someone plodding along.
I thought he’d finally go today when his parents came over as he could have just gone with them but soon as they were gone he said he’s not upsetting his kids so that I can sit there with a smile on my face. Proceeded to walk around whistling and being overly playful and funny with the kids knowing I was upset.
In an ideal world I’d be gone now but I don’t know where to go or how to do it. Thanks if you read all of that.