I am so confused, at a complete crossroads relationship wise, gave my man an ultimatum to sort it out or bugger off

[fairyfly]

When i say sort it out, i mean buy me a sodding engagement ring. I am so sick of his lets not talk about the future attitude. One minute he adores me and asks me to marry him and lets sort it, then he starts backing out and saying he feels trapped.

This has been happening for years, so much so that i really don't get upset anymore as he never actually does leave. It's all lunacy and it is really driving me mad.

So........ at Christmas, yet again, it was oh lets get married.

I didn't really take much notice as i now treat him as he has a mental health problem and just reply, yes dear pass me the salt, whatever you want sweet pie.

So........... this time, this week, i have said, listen fuckwit, either do it or bugger off as your indecision is about as appealing and sexy as relationships i had in my adolescence. I have not spoken to him for ten days as i quite frankly cannot be arsed. I also could leave him quite easily at the moment as i would like to live an act like a grown up.

Anyhow, he has told me we should get a ring this week as he doesn't want to lose me and he "picks me" and the most ridiculous thing is i don't want one. I still don't want to speak to him. I feel he has taken all the romance out of our relationship.
I am utterly confused.

Obviously he thinks i am a nutter as he is giving me what i wanted and i am umming and arring.

What i would really love to know is have any of you managed to survive into a happy married relationship after giving your husband an ultimatum or did it just feel like you were forcing him into it.

I am sick of feeling like i am the booby prize ( phnaw) and him going, ohhh ok then, if i have to i will marry you and have you ravish me every evening and cook for me, it will be hard but yeh, heres a ring.

Optimism would be greatly recieved and storys of successful marriages from emotional blackmail too.

You want to marry a man who has to be told to buy you a ring.
Do you think he'll change if you got married.
I don't think anyone could be happy in this kind of relationship.
But maybe others have different stories to tell.

Well yes exactly wings of an angel, i don't know what i want anymore. Not to speak to him feels the best just now.

I think it is probably far beyond repair and i should just admit that, this is what i am trying to work out.

I wouldn't be happy with this unless he is catch of the century in a lot of other important ways

Why do you want to get married?

Is it of great importance to you?

you sound like you know it is really over,or at least in the dying stages, and you just aren;t quite ready to admit it, or say it out loud

i don;t think that emotional blackmail is a good foundation for a lasting, happy relationship

sorry x

At least you've made your position clear - always a good thing to do.

I don't even know why i want to get married, because he asks me and then changes his mind. The i think, why the hell as he changed his mind and then want him to.

I like the chase. It's all quite pathetic written down, when this falls to pieces i am having my vagina sewn up and blinkers surgically attatched to my temples.

No he is not the catch of the century, he is hard work, but so am i.

Maybe you need to take a step back for a while. You sound like you want him to chase you,make you feel wanted.
What first drew you together in the first place.

Oh his adoration for me i suppose, i had been friends with him for years and he was infatuated. Now it seems as if it's the other way round.

I do want him to chase me, you are right, but at the same time i am tired of games and just want a normal life.

A step back is where i am at now really. I am quiet proud i am just getting on with life.

Are all relationships stupidly complicated?

Are you living together at the moment ?

He is moving in next week, i suppose this is why i have started analysing it all. I want to make sure it is all safe and wise as i really would rather be alone to go through all the crap of him moving out.

i dont think you will be happily married if you know you pushed / blackmailed him into it.... because you will always wonder if he really wanted it....

if you want to be with him? i would drop the subject for a while and hope he will realise what a great catch you are.. and do the big proposal.....

He is moving in Why ? You don't sound like you are ready for this.
From what you have said I'm not sure him moving in is what your relationship needs.
I think you need a clean break from him and if in a few months you both got back together then it would be for the right reasons.

We are always getting to this point, he has just been round, i told him to get out and that i don't know if i want him anymore. Now i am scared, i think i need electric shock treatment to get me out of this roundabout fucked up relationship. I won't contact him again.

i don't think it's a good idea that he moves in. i think he's even less likely to get hitched as he'll have all the benefits of marriage (living with you) but without the commitment. unless you're happy not to get married that is.

tbh, you sound like me with my ex. he used to dither and um and ah. i'm so glad i broke up with him because i found dh.

how much do you want to marry him? 80%? 60%? think long and hard about whether you really want to be with him in 20 years.

I don't know what i want anymore, having a midlife crisis.

You are right with everything you say warthog.
Good old logic hey.

goodness me fairfly reading your story is like reading my own 18 years ago. I was in exactly the same boat as you and my then dp wanted to move in with me. I said "no way, its' marriage or nothing" and voila, 17 happy years later we're still married.

Hold out for what you want. Don't worry that you've pressurised him, lots of men need a little kick up the backside to get going.

I gave mine an ultimatum because I wanted to get married. He said he didn't believe in marriage, but I think is actually just chronically indecisive. We are now very happily married with baby on the way. He loves it when I play hardball

Woohoo, positivity, i knew it was somewhere

(new me, new name)

my mistake was to live with the guy.

Werent you in this exact same situation a year ago?

YOu were doing really well too, you were looking at other guys. Then, you went back to him.

You are each other's "failsafe". That's no real basis for a long relationship is it?

Nope, probably not, all wrong, i was in this situation, i am my own worst enemy, everyone is right, it is a fucked up mess and more to the point i am for creating it.

Living and not learning is my speciallity, i will learn one day. Maybe when i am older.

Sounds like my xh. We had four kids & been together 10 years. His cousin got pregnant and married immediately, so I said "that's not fair. Come on we've got four kids,make an honest woman of me". He took no interest in the wedding plans except his stag night and we were divorced four years later after a string of infidelities on his part. I'm not saying your dp is the same, but I felt triumphant at making him marry me and ridiculous that I knew I was forcing him. Wish he'd just loved me enough to want to do it voluntarily. What a waste of my time