Why is it always my child and what can I do about it?

[Tomatoeysoup]

No matter who she plays with, my 10 year old daughter is always left out. I think she has the tendency to over-please and often doesn't understand the premise of the game. She's a sweet girl but often always the "victim"

I've spoken to her teachers countless times and they work with her and her friendship group briefly, its stops and then it starts again. I think her teachers are fed up of me speaking to them about this.

I witnessed an episode myself at an after-school event this week. The girls were given props for an activity that parents were observing and one girl in the friendship group decided she didn't want her prop and asked her friend if she wanted it. She then left it on a nearby table as her friend said no.

My daughter overheard this as she was close by and she picked up the prop herself, hearing that the other girl didn't want it. Then, the girl saw my daughter playing with it, stormed over with her friend at her side and demanded she hand it back. My daughter tried to stick up for herself "you said you didn't want it."

The girl stormed over to me (her friend still as her side) to complain about my daughter's behaviour. I said that as she didn't want it, I saw no issue with my daughter playing with it for 5 minutes before handing it back to her.

She huffed and stamped off. Then 5 minutes later, I took the prop from my daughter and went to hand it back to the girl myself so she knew I wasn't taking sides. She refused to take it from me and stamped off from me again.

Then she whispered to and incited other girls from the group against my daughter who then left my daughter on her own, refusing to sit with her whilst they were waiting. This all happened whilst waiting for their activity to begin. The girl causing the trouble did not approach ger own parent during this time and other parents seemed unaware of what was happening. I had to console my daughter and felt helpless, but also angry with the other girl for causing so much trouble.

My daughter says that this girl is repeatedly taking from her, claiming things belong to her that she is using in the classroom, but also doing the same with friends. She can be playing with a friend and this girl will come over and say she needs help with a drama from only the person my daughter is playing with, leaving her on her own.

I don't know what to do.
Do I approach the school... again?
I just don't think they will take me seriously after years of speaking to them about similar issues with another girl. These issues with the current girl are relatively new, but she has a reputation of causing trouble if things don't go her way, but she also has a SEN diagnosis, which makes me think that they will excuse the behaviour. I'm not sure the school will take me seriously. I'm upset more than anything, about how easily the other girls were incited into isolating my daughter. I feel the school should be raising awareness in all the children about isolating other children like this. It just seemed to come so easily to the group that she was with.

Any advice?

Is your DD NT?

They jury's out on that one @QuertyGirl . I have noticed traits of ASD but the school- surprise, surprise are saying they have noticed "a few quirks but nothing concerning."

I'm so worried about her starting high school next September.

Unfortunately you just described my childhood and I'm waiting for an adult autism assessment.

Girls are better at masking but other kids pick up on the differences and then exclude.

How does your daughter feel about her friend behaving this way? I would focus on helping your daughter become comfortable with setting boundaries and ways of dealing with difficult people. Help her to see the likely root of her friend’s behaviour so she can understand it and not allow it to affect how she feels about herself, being NT, fear often underlying people’s behaviour etc.

*sorry, ND

We've tried various conversations and methods @ExFiles. Spoken to her about calling out the behaviour- "that's mean" "it's unfair to leave people out." "That is a hurtful thing to say" to raise awareness of the negative behaviour at the time to the children around her, but advice falls on deaf ears. We've even done activity books and things but it doesn't change she also did a friendship course not long ago through school and it hasn't made much difference at all.

Very sorry to hear you're both going through this, it's very upsetting!
I was bullied (verbally) in school when I was 10 and went through several periods. First, I was surprised and sad about feeling rejected and isolated myself, then tried to retaliate and occasionally had rages at home alone and with my parents, then got into a fight with a school mate when I was 12, our parents reprimanded their children and then I realised that bullying behaviour didn't affect me the same anymore, I started to approach people more and meet new friends. I'm an introvert and don't really enjoy social interactions but I understand it's important and healthy to be social, have empathy and care about others.

My younger sister had a similar experience but we don't live in the same place so I was just watching how it unfolded over the years. My mum tried to talk to school teachers, they didn't do much, my sister moved to another classroom in the same group (class B to C) and the situation slightly improved but not as much when they were in the common playground. She ultimately moved to another school and experienced anxiety when meeting new kids so she would isolate herself but eventually began to have friendships and not care as much if a school mate was being mean to her. Now she's doing better, has more friends and thinks about boys. She has had therapy sessions at age 12 for about a year.

This also took a toll on mum, who experienced anxiety after countless meetings with school teachers. During this time my mum and sister argued more with each other and me. It's good if the school and parents of a bully are willing to act to improve the situation but often they don't and then every child needs a certain level of support from family, friends and therapy in order to healthily overcome the bullying