I’ve made a chore list and it didn’t go down well…..

[DesperateHousewife2023]

This week I have been really at tipping point and really needed to try and do something about it.
Me and DH both work full time from home. He has a home office in the spare room, I am a tailor and work from a converted garage. Both employed and contracted to 40 hours.
we have 2 DCs 10&7.

I often have to make up hours in the evening because I stop and do school run then taxi kids to sports etc. But I also spend another 15-20 hours a week doing garments as overtime as I am about to get a large tax bill from when I was self employed. Garments are paid per item.
The house often gets to disgrace stage. I am a neat person naturally and like things organised and it really stresses me out. Nobody picks up after themselves, DH and kids leave dishes/wrappers/shoes/coats/toys/socks lying around. It feels like they think it’s ok, mum will pick it all up.

I do all laundry, bathroom cleaning, hoovering, mopping, dog walking, dusting, windows, general tidying, meal planning, shopping and anything to do with kids and their plans with friends etc.
DH makes the kids lunches, and cooking is half and half.

I had a serious meltdown earlier this week and said I cannot keep working 55-60 hours a week and do vast majority of house chores. I’m very late to bed usually around 1am then up at 7.30am every day. We haven’t spoken in three days.
So today I decided that now I’ve got on top of it we all need to help each other. I have made a list of chores.
Kids are nothing serious, just put their own washing away, keep their rooms tidy, bring dishes to the sink. And at the end of every day we all have a 10 minute tidy to put everything back in it’s place.
The rest I’ve split between DH and myself.
So alternative turns hoovering and mopping (he hasn’t picked up a hoover or mop in about 8 years) same with windows and dusting.
Laundry we need to do a wash load every day. So I have said one person could be in charge of it one day, the other person the next day.
Ironing I am happy to do my own and the kids, and he does his own.
I will carry on doing bathrooms if he is happy to empty bin and put rubbish out.
He carries on doing the packed lunch and I do the school runs.
Is this reasonable? I’m prepared to be told it isn’t. The only reason I have done a list after 16 years together is because I come across as a nag if I say it, or he will sometimes ask what he can do while I do the shopping.
So having a chore list put up on the fridge is a last resort.
I showed him the list this avo and he didn’t read through it, he realised what it was and took himself off upstairs in a huff.
I am just feeling completely disrespected. Once his computer is switched off at 5.30 that’s him for the evening and he relaxes and watches TV. I find I’m looking at him and the resentment is building. I am devastated. We used to be a team. When the kids came along I went part time and so did all the house stuff, but since being full time again it still all falls on me.
I just feel like I can’t cope right now.

You are being completely reasonable. In fact, I don't think you're expecting enough and you shouldn't have had to organize a chore list. That kind of managerial responsibility is probably where a lot of your exhaustion is coming from.

Your husband is acting like a selfish child and you need to avoid giving in to it. Let him have a huff, then discuss seeing a counsellor to talk about his attitude. You should have to beg to get him to do his share. He is an adult and a father and should be an equal partner. If he cares about you, he should be bending over backwards to help you and relieve your exhaustion.

What an utter arsehole he is.
Sorry for you OP.

I despair at so many threads on MN where women run themselves ragged doing so much more than their fair share while arsehole selfish husbands sit around doing fuck all.

Who the hell do they think they are?

Suggest he moves out if he wants to live in a pig sty. But half the week he will have piglets adding to that mess...
Seriously stop doing anything for him.. No laundry or meals.. And tell him you aren't shagging a uni student...

I thought this thread was going to be about the KIDS not responding well!

I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this. It's such a common problem though in our society. Societal norms haven't yet caught up with changing gender roles.

I think you need to be honest with him about how practically and emotionally it is simply not possible to continue as you are. You must feel so much resentment. It's not healthy for the relationship or family.

I completely agree. My mum did all the housework. I'd be asked to help never my brother. My MIL runs herself ragged, never saw FIL pick the hoover up. My grandma used to do a list for my grandad and he'd work down it ticking things off (whilst looking after us). I love my grandad, he's such a good man.

MIL once stayed with us and got on my case about doing washing and never did that to my DH. I had to really bite my tongue.

On a practical level, I wouldn't make laundry something that alternates because you're going to spend all your time going 'I thought it was your day' etc. Someone needs to take responsibility for it.
I also wouldn't have unilaterally created a list. I'm not my DP's mother. I'd have had a family meeting with the DCs too and explained these are all the chores that happen. Then I'd have told the DCs their chores and when they need to do them, and let them go. Then discussed with DH how we split the other chores.
Fwiw I think your split is unreasonable because you've been doing all of it for years. To even be almost fair, your DH would do all of it for a while.
Your DH may be an arse. He may just be automatically kicking back about a change to the status quo. You just need to stay firm and not pick up any of 'his' chores that he misses.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I have felt in a similar situation at times... at one stage DS was in washable nappies, so we were doing a wash extremely regularly. I would take it up when I went to bed - DH always came up a little later to clean his teeth after I'd used the bathroom - where I hung up all of DS's nappies, all of DS's clothes, any of my clothes, but left DH's shirts for him to hang up. DH asked me one morning why I always left his shirts and didn't hang them up - whilst I was driving him to work... that was an interesting 20 mins when I don't think he got a word in.. I eventually asked him whether he would like me to swap what he hung up with what I hung up and he apologised...

Since that time DH has stepped up to the mark a lot more - he is often the instigator of a clothes wash and gets it going (although I often end up hanging it up but that's another issue!). He's quite good at getting the hoover out, or sorting the kitchen out, and the dishwasher is his domain. I still am in charge of the dog (inc walking) and school runs etc.

Every now and then the balance goes a bit awry - and needs to be rebalanced - but we have to work as a team or we can't manage this adulting with a teenager to help on top of everything else - your DH needs to pull his weight or things will sink or your health will suffer.

It will be fine OP once it sinks in.

Shouldn't have to I totally agree.

No it’s not reasonable, if you’re trying to equalise the chores list why have you given yourself more??

The school run is obviously more time intensive and disruptive than packed lunch. Do week on week off.
Ironing, if you can offer to do kids clothes do can he.
If you are working 20 more hours per week in your job then why isn’t he picking up 20 hours a week in extra chores before you split the remainder equally?

If he is just sitting down doing nothing then he is, indeed, an arsehole, but two things

• from his perspective this has, so far, worked fine - you probably (in his mind) “nag” a bit but whatever. Suddenly hitting him with a list with half the jobs on it is going to be a shock and only in romantic fantasies would a man respond by saying “oh I see how awful I have been, I will immediately change my ways”. It’s not going to resolve overnight and you’re going to have to hold your ground to make things change
• his standards are probably very different to yours and he may see some of the jobs you think are necessary as unnecessary and boring. Eg DH is much tidier than me and believes in what I call Proactive Cleaning, which I think is a shocking waste of time. In which case you may need to negotiate and accept that some of what you want done is being done for you rather than because it needs doing. So giving him the stuff to do that he agrees is necessary might get you further than sharing everything.

But good luck, you’re teaching your kids a very important lesson (one I wish Id taught mine a bit better)

Blimey I can’t believe that he’s sat back and watch you run yourself ragged for all these years. What a selfish arsehole. Do not back down OP. You are not his or your children’s slave!

Ask him if he's taken the hump because you've 'laid down the law'.
Follow up question here is the matter of who he thinks is 'in charge'.
Follow up part two is the status he accords to chores vs. paid work.

Ask him if he feels disrespected, irritated, shamed, mistreated.
Sit and listen. Ask that he listen to you in turn.
Tell him how the household burden and interruption to your work makes you feel.
Avoid accusations, both of you.
Avoid 'you never' and 'you always' statements.

Ask him if he thinks your chore allocation is fair.

Give him the chance to come up with what he sees as a fair alternative, if that's the problem. Make him justify anything he comes up with in terms of time and physical effort and how he sees priorities.

You are doing far too much and your role is not sustainable.

He needs to behave like a grown up. You're not his mom. He's not a kid.

You are completely reasonable.

I'm not sure how well the alternating will work though. We split chores fairly equally but take the whole thing so eg he does cooking, I do laundry.

He might just want some time to sulk about it. Give him three days showing his arse, and then if he's still angry it's time for escalation (aka chore strike for anything not directly related to you)

I’d stop doing the overtime and tell him that the tax bill will be taken into account as part of the family’s finances while the divorce is being sorted out. And mean it.

You might need to say that you will only do your chores and half the kids stuff

so do your own laundry, don't put his on. Don't include his share in what you are cooking etc.

Lots of good points above re: the list and his reaction, but two things stand out:

1 - can he share the load of the school runs?

2 - surely the tax bill should be a shared expense? I do overtime on occasion to earn extra cash for the family, but my husband will have the children and clear up after them.

I do a lot of the physical tidying and stuff in our home but carry none of the mental load of shopping, meal planning and cooking. We play to our strengths, can you perhaps have a chat and allocate tasks based on this?

He's sulking because his easy ride is ending and you've pointed out he's selfish and lazy!

Cleverest way is to write out all the chores and ask him and the kids to divide them fairly. See what they come up with!

Thanks everyone. I’m glad I’ve got it off my chest.
I will stand firm with them all. Kids don’t get screens until they’ve put their washing away etc.
the suggested ironing split is because I choose clothes that don’t need much ironing, I just hang them up and they are good to go. Kids is just mainly the uniforms. Whereas husband will iron every thing he has. So he has a lot more.
He must have sat and huffed a bit then decided to build DCs new bed after last one broke. So he’s being very productive which means I am happy to cook dinner and wash up and tidy kitchen.
I’ve just sat down to get a couple hours work done.
I took him up a drink as a peace offering so we were chatting. So when he comes back down I’ll try discuss what’s on the list and see if he has suggestions.
Thank you so much.

RockandRollerskate he can do a school run maybe once a fortnight. His hours are a lot more rigid than mine. He often has a meeting at 9am and has to be available for calls with his colleagues or customers throughout the day.

Finances are completely shared. Everything goes into a joint account. And it’s all family money. Unfortunately he doesn’t have a chance of overtime or bonuses which means im the only one available to earn extra. The tax bill im kicking myself over. We had the money set aside last year but after massively increased energy, our mortgage went up after fixed deal ended, and a car that died, we dug into it too much. We have cut back and budgeted very tightly going forward so im confident it will be short term. Hopefully just one hard year then I can breath.

My partner and I have had a list like this since we moved in together. Made sure everything was done and no nagging needed. However I didn't dictate it we sat down and did it together- agreeing who would do what.
However once DD (10m) was born we turned it into a general list of things that need doing on a weekly basis and we do 1 thing off it each night each. And a list of less regular jobs which we do 1 each of on non work days as well.
Cooking we used to take it in turn each day but now it depends if DD is clinging to me!
Washing I tend to do in the day as I'm only working 1 day and 1 evening a week. And we take it in turn each day to do a quick hoover in the evening. Dishwasher is the person not putting DD to bed.
I do all the meal planning and online shopping but I enjoy it. He does all the taking the bins out as I struggling with the weight and our commercial bins.
Occasionally I have to say 'come on job time' but that's it.

My mum always had a rule at home regarding my dad "you sit, I sit". It always stayed with me, she said if he is sitting resting I am too.

Don't put up with it OP you are no one's slave.

It has taken a few heated conversations between me and DH over the years, but he does the washing, cooks, cleans, does the bathrooms, hoovers, dusts, food shops, gets kids uniforms, strips the beds etc. And he works 40 hours a week, and he isnt dead yet!

So they are capable, they just need to know that we are not their slaves and won't be picking up anymore than 50%.

Plus it's so nice coming home after work to a clean house, with dinner on the table, it makes me fancy him more! He is the same and very appreciative when I have had a productive afternoon doing the same.

Get that list bloody laminated OP!!!

what did I just red

Just get the giant fucking baby a star chart while you are at it to go with his list

You are contributing more than 50% of the financial side and digging yourself out of your cost of living hole, doing all things domestic and the little lamb takes himself off in a huff when you mummy him with a list because he doesn’t like it and it’s not his job.

stop the peace offerings and get a bit more cross

Don't fall at his feet in gratitude for fixing the bed.

That's a one off project that's sort of fun for someone who grew up playing with Lego or construction stuff in general. I would absolutely love to make a bed and not wash up or clean the kitchen.

Make him do those chores. Don't let him slack. Don't turn into the chore police. He has to pull his weight and that includes the mental weight, the personal sense of self discipline.

If anything, he should then be taking on the lion’s share of chores right now, not 50/50: you had the money for this tax bill but it went on joint expenses – to recoup that money only you are working more, therefore he makes up the shortfall in household labour while you’re increasing your work burden.