It's over and I think I was always second best .

[ponderingpeppa]

I finished with him after a year of bliss and a year of hell. He had me on a pedestal and then began to pull back a little now and again. When we had a disagreement he had tantrums, barged off and would ghost me for days u til I begged for him back. He abandoned me twice and spoke to me like a child and then became kind of low level controlling.
His exes were all psycho so one day I text his most recent ex.
Our relationships mirrored each other . He spent quite a bit of the first few months talking about his ex in a nasty way and also in kind ways. I always felt he still had a spark for her.
He text her during year two and while he did tell her about me, he suggested meeting for a chat and coffee. She ignored that.
I found out and only for he was unwell at the time and had mentioned me , I would have dumped him there and then.

So after one final ghosting by him, I had enough and dumped him. He has nothing going for him really. No home to call his own, no job now, no relationship with his kids of substance.
He has been texting me claiming heartbreak and love, only to find out that he's been back texting his ex woth a big sob story about how shit is life is etc.
Wants to meet for a coffee and chat as he is a broken man. He is the greatest victim I've ever met.
I know it's over and feel relieved. I'm grateful to his ex. She is really happy now and has moved on and is nearly married.
He has found this out recently so am I mad to think that this has set the fire in him to try one last time . Is this why he has been so difficult and impatient for the last few months and behaving like a petulant child ?
I am so relieved it's over. I don't live him but would appreciate your opinions on this. It helps my own processing of that makes sense.
Maybe I was always afiller in?

Sounds like he can't be on his own and hoping another ex will be there for him when it's all gone wrong and you'll be one he falls back on when the latest or ex doesn't want to know.

Thanks. She definitely doesn't want to know. She is happpy but I can't shake the feeling that I was playing second best all along and that he never really loved me. The way he spoke about her made my eyes water so I don't understand why he is contacting her again. Perhaps it is because they have such a huge history and have gone through so much together. Feels shit though

Could anyone else give their thoughts or even a piece of moral support please .
I'm Feeling really unsettled today about it all . Thanks. Just one of those days!

I wouldn’t necessarily think that you were always second best but I certainly think that you were not ‘enough’ for him and I don’t think he actually loved you.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.
Possibly not during the first year of your relationship but gradually he realised that you weren’t for him and he began to treat you badly.
it’s possible because you pandered to him and ‘begged for him back’, that he lost respect for you.
I’ve tried to speculate on reasons for his behaviour but I think it’s clear that no woman would EVER be enough for this man.
I don’t think he even particularly likes women really, and so he self sabotages his relationships.
Just be happy/proud that you are free of him and do not put up with that behaviour from a man - that is NOT love.
Also never, never beg for one back!

Oh this sounds like classic narcissist behaviour! Putting you on a pedestal but then pulling back, keeping you on edge with the ghosting, triangulating with with his ex and then hoovering you both with sob stories to see who'll bite etc etc. He'll use you for what he can get OP and then discard you again (and again and again!). Don't get sucked in by the drama, follow the other ex's example and stay away. You deserve so much better!

This is triangulation! I bet he did the same to her OP.

My ex made me feel like that. Would always contact a particular ex whenever we fell out (sometimes more than one!) and I felt he would rather have been with her. I found out much later after she'd already called him out for only texting her when he'd fallen out with me.

Thing is, he just wanted attention. I don't think it was ever 'I loved this one more', it was whoever could meet his needs at any given time. After I spoke to her I realised our relationship also mirrored theirs, he just is who he is and who he is is a disloyal twat! Kicked him out that day.

Just remind yourself this isn't a competition, he was with you because he wanted to be but he's not good enough for you. He'll go on and do the same to someone else and likely you'll be the one getting the 'poor me' texts with the new girlfriend wondering if SHE is second best after the love bombing finishes.

Future advice - run away from any man who tells you all his exes are psychos! The common denominator is him!

Thanks. I feel sick to my stomach as I've just spent the last hour reading about triangulation. I had never heard of it. It makes total sense.
Yes I also think he doesn't like women generally. I've thought that for a long time .

I think he has a feeling that his ex and I had contact.
If so he is trying to make me jealous and making her into the' chosen' one to feed her ego.

Even his messages to her are very nice and polite. Very unlike him . He wants them to be shown to me ,clearly.
He, I expect will speak very badly about us to each other and we won't be able to confront him directly so anger and chaos ensues.
I am out of this. I want no part of it . What a prick. A dangerous one.

You really shouldn’t frame this as being second best. These attention seeking men will text anyone they think might give them some attention. They’re not choosy. They’re just looking for someone who’s accessible and a bit of a chump who might engage them.

It's hard not to take it personally. He knows that I have always questioned his true feelings towards her despite him
Speaking so badly about her.
He has fed her crumbs and refuses to engage in text so wants to
Meet up with her for a chat to
Fill her in on his awful
Life. A pity party if you will.
He treated her the exact same as he treated me , only for years and years more.
If he is indeed triangulating us, I expect it is for pity and to see which one of us will give in to his poor Me story, is it? Or is it to simply try to make me jealous ? It's all so unsettling .I'm actually
Confused.

What feelings could he really have for her when he talks about her like shit and manipulates her?

She’s accessible like i said. And a bit of a chump. Most women wouldn’t engage this nonsense with him. Be glad your rid of this sad victim and his tantrums.

Text book narcissistic behaviour: you will never understand why he behaved like he did, but it's definitely not you.
Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That if you'd like insight...

This is all so new to me. It's complex and I find it hard to get head round all of it especially the triangulation part. It seems
So manipulative , it's scary.
His devious behaviour is kind of scaring me a bit. I don't think he's going to go away too easy. Contacting his ex is a whole new level of manipulation and punishment.

I think you are overthinking it. Unless there’s much more to it it sounds like he texted her once when you’d been together for two years asking her to coffee. And recently while trying to get you back he’s been whinging to her about his life and again asking her for coffee.

That isn’t triangulation op.

He is simply using her for support and someone to whinge to.

But why her after not talking for four years ? All a bit coincidental isn't it. Perhaps I am Overthinking it but of all people to have a whinge to, why her?

It’s probably as simple as he thinks she’s a chump and will listen to him. Maybe he remembers her as being sympathetic. If he’s treated you both badly, he might be attempting to assure himself he’s not a bad guy, in his eyes how could he be if she will still talk to him?

I think contacting her has really stung you and probably feels like a bit of a betrayal. Whinging to her is not an attempt to get her back, and if it is it’s a really bad one.He probably just wants support and in truth his life is shit. It’s quite normal to want support.

Thanks@Ghostbuster2639 . I had to Google ' chump'! She won't meet him as her partner would be angry and rightly so considering what our shared ex did to her too. He's playing a serious victim card with her.
I think I do feel stung and it definitely feels strange he contacted her of all people. He has plenty of people to talk to.
They ended so badly also.

OP, I did comment a bit earlier, but wanted to share a bit of my story as I was as in the position of the ex girlfriend.

My ex is a type b/narcissistic personality type who does the 'idealise/devalue/discard/hoover and start again' cycle in every relationship he has for as long as anyone lets him. He broke up with me for the last time in the most horrific way (a few weeks after a close family member died) and I subsequently found out he'd been cheating on me and pretending to a whole group of people that I didn't even exist in order to enable that cheating, (we'd been together 5 years at that point). When I popped up and pointed out that I did in fact exist I was then painted as the 'psycho ex' and him as the victim (of course all of his ex's were psychos).

Cycle on 6 months and he's in the devalue phase with the new girlfriend and who does he get in touch with? Me! I'm expected to listen to his sob stories about how terrible she is and how awful his life is and provide sympathy. Oh and there also another woman on the scene who he's sort of seeing too, so I have to hear about her. And guess what, he's also been keeping his current girlfriend on edge by mixing up the psycho stories with comparing her to how lovely I am ...

Anyway, my point is in all of this he's not got back in touch with me because I'm the 'great love' that he's been hankering after. This is just how he operates - he's after supply for his ego and he's seeing if I'm still in the market for providing that.

You've done so well for breaking up with him! I was the chump who kept responding to the hoovering for years and I wish I'd walked away and saved myself all that heartache. People like this do such a good job of getting in your head and breaking down your self-esteem, even if you're the one that leaves. You just need to find your anger and focus on you rather than analysing him and his motives. Can I recommend How to Win your Break up by Natasha Adamo? It helped me immensely in terms of moving on from him and realising that having my life back was the big win in all of this.

Thanks for taking the time to reply @littleburn.
It was a reassuring post because I do feel
Stung. If there was a way too hurt me, after finishing with him, contacting his ex was it. He knew that also.

I am 100% relieved that we are no longer a couple and I know that I will never be in a relationship with him again but there's something about him that unnerves me. He could and has caused trouble.

His mouth is so dangerous and the way he speaks about people is horrible esp those that have injured his ego.
He can be spiteful.

He was declaring his undying love for me a few days ago and then contacts his ex.
It doesn't make sense to me.

I know that she has no intention of meeting him but is naturally very curious with the crumbs that he fed her. His life truly is in shit atm. Also she is well aware of the trouble he will cause in her own relationship.

I've now blocked him absolutely everywhere so I can fully and truly park the whole thing.
I just hope he never comes back to haunt me.

I really believed up to the responses here that I had been just an option for those years as he went straight back to contact with her when he realised there was no changing my decision.
Now I believe differently.

I've never encountered this type of behaviour before so it's a brand new learning experience for me.
One I don't want to go through again but grateful I know the signs now .

OP, none of you are second best because he doesn’t see any of you as real people. You’re all props in his life, to be taken out and manipulated as suits his needs best at any given time.

Walk away and do your best to forget about him and his other exes. You’re worth so much more than competing for Best Supporting Actress in his self-directed fantasy film that is his chaotic life.

Great analogy@BenCoopersSupportWren , thanks.
I really and truly have no intention of looking back but I do believe in making sense of things to ensure I see the flags in the future.
This was my first relationship after a 12 year marriage and was very
Low and vulnerable when I met him.
You can imagine the high it gave me to be treated with such kindness for that first year, but the confusion and hurt the second year caused.
A supporting actress is exactly what I was.
Tending to his needs, caring and organising for him, putting myself second to the detriment of my own health.
To take back the control of my
Own life has been incredibly liberating but I guess that in doing so, I want him as a distant memory/ lesson but don't trust that his games are far from over .

You need to stop analysing his behaviour and putting so much store on why he’s done x y or z.

He made you unhappy; you’ve ended it, it’s over.

It doesn’t matter who he contacts now or why.

You don’t need ‘closure’ that’s a made up term - or if it exists it only comes from yourself and from you deciding his actions no longer have any power over you.

How do you know what he’s messaging his ex, what words he’s using, whether he’s being polite etc - are you hearing that from her or him?

He’s no longer your partner and she’s not your friend. Stop contacting both of them or responding if they contact you.

In your own words he put you through a year of hell - focus more on why you stayed for a full year of hell, and how you’re going to build up your boundaries and restore your own well-being so that nobody gets to do that to you again.

Thanks@AliasGrape .
I am trying to make sense of it all to ensure this never happens me again and to work out my own part in this.
I wasn't desperate to be ina relationship but hankered back to that first year where life was wonderful. I thought we could have had those days again.
She tells me as we've become friends of sorts. A support when he started ghosting me and punishing me for daring to disagree with him. I was in a bad place and couldn't make sense of it all, the first time.

I have told her that I don't want to know about anymore contact or his name mentioned again. I want to say goodbye to that part of my life, but with lessons.

Please do keep him blocked on absolutely everything and don't ever have any contact with him again. He's a narcissist so the only person you were ever second best to was him and his ego. You've got out now, it's a new year new start.