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Original poster

I'm jealous of my ex ....am I being stupid?

10 replies

lucybradleyxx · 07/01/2023 11:24

My ex wasn't the best.
Basically he is a toxic man ,gaslighted me,mentally abused me at the end but still I think about him.
He called me a narcissist after having every trait (and his ex calling him one ) he put me through hell.
He flipped everything he did on to me and everything he ever did bad -he blamed me for and spun it that my reaction was the problem not the bad thing he did.
He had nothing when we were together (money wise )
Now he after 11 months married this woman,she's sold her house and moved into his house and he is living this great life.
Nice big wedding,3 holidays a year and weekends away every other weekend.
I'm jealous he isn't a nice person and some how this is his life.
He works in a call centre and he never treated me once -yet now this is his life.
I'm jealous -I wish we would of had the same life but we didn't.
How can he be such a horrible man and come out on top ?

OP posts:
Original poster
lucybradleyxx · 07/01/2023 11:36

Anyone ?
I know that was a lot to read
Apologies

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 11:37

You're only seeing a material facade. If he behaved like that, it's highly unlikely he's truly happy or that this new relationship will last.

However, you have to be more 'zen' about this and concentrate on yourself. It's poisonous for you to be making these kinds of comparisons.

Antst · 07/01/2023 11:39

The thing is, he hasn't come out on top.

If he is working in a call centre, then there's no way he can afford all the extravagance you listed. The money to pay for those trips and that wedding has likely come from the silly woman's house sale. She won't be able to leave him when he inevitably starts treating her badly because she'll have no money to buy a house and even if they sell the one they're living in, they'll each have too little to buy again.

I'm in a profession where no one ever says anything is certain. And yet I'm nearly certain that this guy will get what's coming to him. You have probably heard about "karma" where bad things happen to bad people. In my experience, it's true. It's not magic or anything supernatural, it's that someone who treats people badly makes enemies. He'll get into trouble eventually. I'd bet money on it. And when he does, he'll have a hard time getting help.

Please, please stop driving yourself crazy by keeping up with what he is doing. You need to forget he exists. Block him from your social media. Tell your friends you don't want to hear any gossip about him. Make yourself cut him off even if it's hard. It'll be better for you.

Reugny · 07/01/2023 11:40

Concentrate on living your best life.

I know of someone who is unpleasant who has to dance to his much richer wife's tune. His wife is intelligent enough to ensure her family wealth is locked away from him so if they get divorced he gets SFA.

JoyPeaceHealth · 07/01/2023 11:54

Classic DARVO, deny (and / or deflect) attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

I think it's quite normal to compare your life to your x's life when the split is fairly recent, and yours is imo, anything really painful takes about five years to completely recover from, heal from.

I used to feel like you do. I was stuck looking after two toddlers, broke and shamed (I felt). I was a broke single mother and he was a wealthy home owner who could just start again, and he did..

But over time, I have un-enmeshed from my x, so what he has - and what I have are no longer entered in to the same competition (in my head). I see him as being on a very different path to me.

Measures of his success are external stuff, external measures. It's appearances, it's superficiality. I'm really driving the point home there.

I didn't get that over night though. I felt the pain of comparison badly at first.

Over time I have moved in to assessing my life in a more internal way. I'm more content than he is, I'm sure of it but it's not a competition . I take accountability for my mistakes. I've learned from them. I have goals I've reached, goals I'm still working on. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life. So life now is ''How i feel about my life'' not ''How my life looks to other people''. It's not an overnight shift. Do you know what I mean?

I admit that as time went by I have 'more', in a conventional sense, a secure job, a place to live but also the things that people can't see, a good relationship with my kids, friends, health, interests, optimism, sanity? clarity? and wisdom!

Not sure my x has any of that, maybe, but that's his story and over time there is less and less reason to compare my story to his.

Peace will come. Start thinking about your life. What small thing can you do each day to take you to where you want to go? Even if it was only saving a fiver or reading a book about self-efficacy or getting exercise. Make a list of the things you love doing. Cross out the ones he has the power to prevent you from doing. I bet the list is almost as long as your first list.

So long as you don't do anything that takes you off your path, I think peace will come.
xx

Mels101 · 07/01/2023 17:12

I totally get where you are coming from. I still get pangs of jealousy when I hear about my ex and his new (younger obvs!) partner and I hate thinking of them living this happy new life when I am still single. He cheated and treated me badly, alcohol was a big part of that, but he and the new partner are both teetotal vegetarians now. It will always upset me that he didn't give up alcohol for me or his kids, it would have made a big difference to our lives.
It feels very unfair and unjust that he seems to get the happy ending, the good career that I helped facilitate, the younger, gorgeous girlfriend, the new flat and no one really knowing what went on in our marriage and how he behaved, especially our kids.
I recognise that this is really all about me and the jealousy is projection AND I also get that it's such a futile emotion - but it is hard to switch it off especially when you co-parent so you have to see them and you hear about what they are up to via your kids. You have my sympathy OP.

Tolatetotheparty · 07/01/2023 17:22

Block, stop looking on social media and focus on your life. Don't want to hijack your thread but my ex knew l was infertile but he met and had a baby with someone immediately. I suspect he met her when we were still together. Ouch. Hurt so much but l got over it by pretending he was dead. Went complete cold turkey. OK he has a child but there's nothing else that he's got that l would want. Focus on you and your future. Look ahead not back x

Neverfeltpainlikeit · 07/01/2023 19:46

JoyPeaceHealth · 07/01/2023 11:54

Classic DARVO, deny (and / or deflect) attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

I think it's quite normal to compare your life to your x's life when the split is fairly recent, and yours is imo, anything really painful takes about five years to completely recover from, heal from.

I used to feel like you do. I was stuck looking after two toddlers, broke and shamed (I felt). I was a broke single mother and he was a wealthy home owner who could just start again, and he did..

But over time, I have un-enmeshed from my x, so what he has - and what I have are no longer entered in to the same competition (in my head). I see him as being on a very different path to me.

Measures of his success are external stuff, external measures. It's appearances, it's superficiality. I'm really driving the point home there.

I didn't get that over night though. I felt the pain of comparison badly at first.

Over time I have moved in to assessing my life in a more internal way. I'm more content than he is, I'm sure of it but it's not a competition . I take accountability for my mistakes. I've learned from them. I have goals I've reached, goals I'm still working on. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life. So life now is ''How i feel about my life'' not ''How my life looks to other people''. It's not an overnight shift. Do you know what I mean?

I admit that as time went by I have 'more', in a conventional sense, a secure job, a place to live but also the things that people can't see, a good relationship with my kids, friends, health, interests, optimism, sanity? clarity? and wisdom!

Not sure my x has any of that, maybe, but that's his story and over time there is less and less reason to compare my story to his.

Peace will come. Start thinking about your life. What small thing can you do each day to take you to where you want to go? Even if it was only saving a fiver or reading a book about self-efficacy or getting exercise. Make a list of the things you love doing. Cross out the ones he has the power to prevent you from doing. I bet the list is almost as long as your first list.

So long as you don't do anything that takes you off your path, I think peace will come.
xx

Love this, it has explained so much about my own situation.
Thank you !

MoonWoman69 · 27/01/2024 11:30

Please excuse me, but I have just commented on another thread like this, so I copied and pasted for here, as it also fits your situation -
I undstand where you're coming from, I truly do. But I've read a few books lately about women who have ended up in marriages with men who share the kind of traits that you describe regarding your ex. And every single one has found out that there were - multiple other women they were sponging off and conducting relationships with; that signatures had been faked on forms, which were used to get them credit/credit cards; not a penny to their own name, all received by fraudulent means... These kind of people are not only narcissistic, but psychopathic too.
So, I think you take a deep breath, realise you've had a very lucky escape and bet your boots that he's using this poor woman because of her monetary status. Believe me, once her bank accounts have been thoroughly rinsed, he'll be off and looking for his next cash cow, if he hasn't got one lined up already! He will never find true happiness, narcissists simply can't. Hugs 💐

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 27/01/2024 22:01

I’m assuming it’s her money though if he works in a call centre?

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