I have no one to turn to regarding this, and I could really do with some honest opinions as I feel like I’m going mad and I have been told I’m being completely unreasonable and keeping our son from his father (my ex).
I’ll start off by saying if anyone has been in this situation before, then you’ll understand just how difficult it is to explain simply from the ‘brain fog’!
Me and my partner (now ex) were together for two years nearly three. I now have given birth to our son back in November. During our relationship he was respectful, caring, and never showed any signs of abusive behaviour. This is when we were on good terms and not arguing.
Now my issue is the type of person he would and does become when we argue. He switches so quickly and becomes so angry over the smallest things. He also turns into a gaslighting narcissist. For example these are some things that have happened in the past before our son was born -
- We were on the phone, and he said something and I didn’t respond as I was texting at the time. He went ‘why are you ignoring what I just said?’ And I said ‘you ignore me all the time?’ And he screamed at me to fuck off. We didn’t speak for two days, which he then called me and said ‘it’s silly how we haven’t spoken for two days’ and refused to accept responsibility for the way he spoke to me. He claims I tell him to fuck off all the time therefore why does it matter if he tells me to fuck off.
Quite often he tells me to fuck off or calls me a cnt and hangs the phone up to me when he gets stressed / angry or I say the wrong thing. He never apologies, and if I bring it up to him I’m ALWAYS met with ‘you tell me to fuck off all the time’ or, ‘you call me a c*nt all the time!’.
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We were in bed doing a food shop. I read out what meals we were having, and he claimed I said we were having some sort of pasta dish with mushrooms in it. I said I never said that, as I wouldn’t use mushrooms in this particular dish. He got very angry saying I said this etc etc and raised his hand to slap me round the face. I was also pregnant during this time. He claimed he never went to hit me.
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When we’ve argued before, he picks up items and ‘jokingly’ throws them at me. When I tell him this is not a joke, and often the start of physical abuse, he laughs at me.
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He takes items he’s bought me. He bought me a bracelet and dressing gown for my birthday, and demanded it back and grabbed it off my wrist. He also returned all my presents that he bought. He then ended up buying the bracelet again to say sorry. He’s taken my tv remote, the propeller off my fan, and the cord out the back of my tv before.
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When arguing, he refuses to leave my house and will often sit in silence for hours on end. When I would eventually cave in and speak to him, he would almost wear my down with constantly going on and on which would make it very difficult to resolve the situation.
If I turned sx down he would turn over in bed and face the other side so he’s not faced to me and go on his phone. He barely speaks to me and would be in such a bad mood. If he came to stay the night and we hadn’t got intimate, eventually he gets very moody and often makes digs about how ‘we’re like an old married couple’ ‘I never have sx with him’ ‘I’m not attracted to him anymore’ ‘I give the dog more attention than him’ ‘I don’t love him anymore’. He makes it into a joke whilst he says these things, but he constantly comments on how little sx we have which makes me want to engage in it even less. When I bring the way this makes me feel to him, he says I’d say the same if I constantly tried to be intimate with him and he turned me down.
When I was seven months pregnant, I broke up with him, as I realised I haven’t been happy for ages and I wanted to be in the best head space possible for when my little boy arrived. When I broke up with him these are a few things that he said -
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Called me hundreds of times of no caller. He’s sent me letters & texts claiming he wants to be married to me, I’m the woman of his dreams etc. Basically completely love bombing me. I to block him for peace and he still finds a way to get ahold of me. When I don’t reciprocate back to him, he turns nasty.
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He claims I’m a liar and I’ve ‘lied’ for months about my feelings towards him. I’ve been accused of sleeping with someone else, having a new boyfriend and just recently told that apparently he and his family don’t believe the baby is his. Apparently it’s odd how I’ve broken up with him so close to my due date and this obviously means the baby is not his.
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I’m a slag, a tramp, a skank, a chav. And I’m constantly reminded of it.
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He says I’m never going to amount to anything. I’m going to be living at my mums forever, claiming benefits doing nothing. He said he wishes he could claim benefits and do nothing all day, but unfortunately he has to work to be able to provide for himself.
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He said he’s going to call the baby ‘Satan Sparn’ as that’s what I am.
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Throughout my pregnancy I had a very bad relationship with my mum and own family members. Since breaking up with my partner, conveniently I’ve been getting on better with my family than ever. He claims I’m two faced, and a joke to of made up with them. He has a massive issue with the fact I’ve made up with my family.
He gave his mum my number and she was texting me trying to be very friendly. I met her for a coffee and instantly got bad vibes from her. She told me the only thing she asks from me is that she gets my child a weekend a month to look after. I told her no not when he’s still a baby as I’ll be breastfeeding. She responded with ‘that’s if you can breastfeed’. When I met with her she kept insisting I was just as much a part of her family as her son, and that she and her husband would never take sides. This was the second time meeting her and I was seven months pregnant. Conveniently when me and her son were arguing on the phone, I told him he would have to pay child maintenance regardless of being on the birth certificate. She came in the room and said ‘well you can tell her that she won’t be getting a penny of your money without you being on the birth certificate, I’ve looked it up’. So much for not taking sides!!! Anyway, I blocked the both of them until I gave birth. Fast forward I allowed my ex to meet his child several hours after he was born. I had an emergency c section for reference. The whole time he was there he couldn’t care less for my feelings. I felt very uncomfortable and wished I had someone there for me instead. He also kept making me feel like shit for not having him present at the birth.
He didn’t see the baby for two weeks as I didn’t want him around me after this experience. Plus I had my family round daily to help me. After guilt tripping me none stop, I then decided to put my feelings aside and give him ONE chance with the baby. At first I thought he was good with him until,
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When the baby cries he mimics him and shows the baby himself in the camera and takes the mick out of him saying ‘look at you crying’ which I think is weird.
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Told him when he was crying that ‘he’s the boss and he (the baby) has to learn’
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Tried the guilt trip with the fact he’s not on the birth certificate and the fact the baby doesn’t have his surname. He says it’s not normal for the baby to have my surname.
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Got angry with the fact I had my surname on several of the baby’s Christmas presents as they are engraved. He said this is unnecessary and that he will be putting his surname on the baby’s presents???
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Gets very angry when the baby cries during the night feeds that it puts me on the edge as I know the extent of his anger.
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Constantly bangs on about the fact he wasn’t there for the baby being born, yet I told him it was an awful traumatic experience for me and I needed my mum. He doesn’t care.
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Got angry with the fact my mum sent my family a photo of the baby after he was born as apparently this is ‘disrespectful to him as he hadn’t met the baby yet’
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Doesn’t believe my role of being a mum is anymore important to his and diminishes my feelings.
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Told me I have mental health issues as I wasn’t ready to have his family meet the baby yet.
This is only a small fraction of the things that have been said and done.
Anyway, there’s a real issue with his parents meeting the baby. My concern is one I don’t know his family whatsoever and his mum has always felt very entitled to him and quite literally thinks my son is hers. As a new mum I feel protective of my baby and want to wait until I’m ready which I believe should be respected. I didn’t think my ex was going to be as involved as he was, and i wanted to be able to trust him first before bringing his family into the mix in case something bad was to happen like when I was pregnant which it did.
A day before this situation happened, he told me ‘I’m his woman, he’s going to treat me like a princess, to give him one more chance to show me just how much he loves me and will look after me’ blah blah blah. I didn’t believe it one bit but played along. He also payed for my nails to be done even though I declined.
We went to London the next day as a family. On the way back, he fell asleep with the baby and I realised we was in the last carriage of the train so we needed to get off and reboard further up so we could get off at our station. We did this but only went two carriages up as I thought this would be enough. I didn’t realise each station has different length platforms. I thought they were either long or short. We pull up to our station and realise we can’t get off as we are too far up. At this point he completely loses it with me. Proceeds to tell me I’m f*cking stupid, I’m so stupid, how could I be so stupid, how could I get this so wrong. I mean this literally came out of nowhere I was shocked. I said it’s disgusting he can talk to me this way, but apparently it’s okay as I call him stupid all the time.
I tell him why does it matter what time he gets home as it’s not as if he has a newborn baby to care for all night like me and can sleep when he likes and do what he likes when he gets back, unlike me. He then complains he’ll have to now get a taxi and won’t get home till late. He then starts punching the train seat out of anger whilst I just stare. He then decides he’s going to try and pick the pram up and carry it above his head whilst walking through the train isle. Obviously it doesn’t work so I’m laughing as it’s plain ridiculous. This just adds to his anger. We eventually end up being able to get off about a 12 minute train ride from our stop. I’m holding the baby when I get off, and realise it’s absolutely pouring down once I’ve stepped off the train. He has the pram.
I didn’t think about putting him in the pram as it happened so fast, so I cover him with my coat and try to run to the shelter not realising how far away this is. My ex then starts to scream at me, asking what I’m doing, where I’m going, how I’m so stupid to not put the baby in the pram and I’m getting him soaking wet, that I’m a shit mum. I turn back after now assessing the situation and put him in and march off with the pram, he follows continually hurling abuse at me. At this point I have enough and push him away, screaming at him to leave me alone. I leave in a different direction to him, and stand there not really knowing what the f*ck to do, where to go as it’s pouring but that I need to remove myself from this situation and him. He comes out of nowhere and starts to scream at me, getting closer and closer to my face where I can see his eyes bulging out of his head. He’s telling me I’m not going anywhere with the baby, how can I be so stupid to stand in the rain, where do I think I’m going, he’s calling the police on me. I try to leave from him and tell him to leave me alone. He then grabs hold of me very aggressively and tries wrestling me. He then tries wrestling the pram from me and marching off with the baby. Bare in mind this is in the middle of nowhere, its 12pm at night, no one is around. It’s not a good situation and he’s a lot stronger than me. I go back to the station, he follows and the whole way there he’s telling me he’s calling social services, I’m an unfit parent, how can I say anything about his parenting when I’ve allowed our son to get wet and I’m a mess, I have anger issues and it’s all my fault. Apparently he wouldn’t of behaved like that had I apologised for making us be on the wrong train carriage. He just kept going on and on. He starts his usual gas lighting shit, claiming he loves me so much, ‘i payed the black waiters in London more attention than him all day’, I flirted with the waiters, I used him for his money etc. He then starts to insult my family members??
Apparently I’m the abuser, I’m a drunk and have a wine problem. He said he has a video on his phone of me drunk, holding the baby and trying to punch him. This has NEVER happened, and would never happen. He starts to cry and say he doesn’t know when he’s next getting to see his son as I’m now going to keep him from him. With good reason!!!!
I haven’t spoken to him since then, and I DO NOT want my child around this man whatsoever. He has no respect for me or his son to be able to put his hands on his mother, and to threaten to have him taken away. Am I in the wrong for now not allowing him to see the baby? I want to protect him from this awful person.
Sorry for the long post.