Do I suggest contact? Please help

[LosTg]

Long story short, ex suddenly decided DD wasn’t necessarily his when I was about to give birth (despite being positive about being a dad and being excited about it for the first two trimesters). As a result he was not at the birth. I applied for maintenance and he asked for a dna test which was done. He’s paying 925 a month since October and yet there’s not been any contact from him wanting to see DD. I made it clear when pregnant that he was always welcome in her life. Do I contact him and reiterate he’s welcome to be part of her life? I have mixed views from friends and family and don’t know whether I should stop chasing and trying at this stage (haven’t spoken since being pregnant) or whether I owe it to our little girl to nudge him again to get to know her?

I wouldn't.

@tothelefttotheleft thanks. On what basis?

No, he's a grown man and should step up off his own accord. Surely if he wanted to be involved then he would make contact? I definitely wouldn't want it to seem as though I was begging him and wouldn't give him the pleasure of that. He sounds like a waste of space!

She's better off without a dad that's not interested

Also my friends daughter is now 15 and her 'dad' has paid maintenance every month since she has been born and has never asked to see her. It is absolutely disgraceful but it isn't unusual sadly.

@wishuponastar1988 i just wanted to do my best by DD.

can’t believe he’s paying this but not seeing her

@LosTg totally get that and commend you for it but this guy sounds like a loser and if he isn't actively pursuing contact then he is not worth it. I'd be concerned that he would agree to contact and then be flaky/cut contact in the future which would be more harmful in my opinion. You've left the door open to him and I think that's all you can do

no, you don't poke the bear.

leave alone and hes a grown ass man. IF he wants to see her he will. that simple

he could make your life a nightmare, just leave well alone

Absolutely leave him alone, decent human beings don’t behave like this, he won’t be an asset to her life sadly.

Thanks for the posts. I just really wanted her to know him even if from a distance. I was prepared to be civil and decent to him at the expense of my own mental well-being as I felt it right for her but perhaps it’s only right for her if he suggests it.

I worry he thinks the door is closed to him etc but family have said that’s ridiculous and he knows he has a right to see her if he wanted to

No contact is better than shitty contact.

At least you are getting his money.

Was it a pregnancy planned by both of you? If not, trying to instigate contact is unlikely to be successful.

Nope, definitely not. Growing up without a dad is, generally speaking, not damaging. There are lots of same sex couples and single mums by choice raising children without a ‘dad’ in the picture. Having a dad who is shit and thoughtless and makes you feel like you aren’t valuable enough for them to be a consistent nurturing presence in your life is damaging though.

Lots of NRP only do one out of pay maintenance and visit.
He knows how to get in contact with you so I'd leave it. No Contact is better than flaky contact or contact then abandonment.

Why would you sacrifice your mental health for him?

Your child needs one parent it can depend on.

Prioritise yourself and your child not a useless dad.

Don't do it. Never having a dad is better than one that flits in and out, the child often blames themselves. Wanting contact needs to come from him. If you force contact he could use it against you in the future in a 'do x or I won't see her anymore' way.

Someone who doesn't want to be a dad is never going to be a good role model. She would know and her self esteem would be through the floor as a result. Focus on giving her all the love and attention she needs to be a happy and confident child and consult on how best to explain things in an age appropriate way to her as she grows.