Should I be worried about this?

[ViscountBiscuit]

DP and I together 3 years. Don’t live together. No children together. Both late 30s.

Anyway we went through a bad patch and went on a break for 3 months (been back together over a year now) and an old friend of his who he’s known online for years popped up, she was a source of comfort to him during his time. I’d never heard of her during the first 2 years of dating so when we got back together naturally I was rather annoyed she was always texting him.

The issue I’m having is because I got annoyed about it he’s been hiding their chats from me, I just found out about them, he says he hid them because of how annoyed I got about her originally. He’s now shown me a lot of their texts and whilst there is nothing too untoward they’re having A LOT of contact, like all day, every day and even when they’re both in bed late at night.

Am I being a psycho girlfriend for not feeling good about this? Would you be ok with this?

Oh god, give him up. He's having a relationship with someone right under your nose. You don't live together, so set him free.

It's interesting it's never another male friend who's a source of comfort to them, isn't it?

You should be very worried about.

What is your gut feeling? Has he any history of cheating in the past, in this or other relationships?

Get rid.

"... they’re having A LOT of contact, like all day, every day and even when they’re both in bed late at night."

He has a closer relationship with her than with you. There aren't enough hours left for you left!

When there's a greater emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, then that's a major problem. He is cheating even if it's not physical. And honestly, given the extreme frequency of the contact, I'd bet money that it is physical or will become physical.

He is hiding their chats. They spend what must be nearly every waking hour chatting. This is the very definition of a problem. You need to really sit down and think about why you're hesitating to call it what it is.

Do you lack confidence to the point you don't believe your own eyes? Are you afraid of his reaction if you confront him? Do you not want to deal with the situation?

Be honest with yourself about how you're feeling. If you don't know yet, that's OK. You don't have to deal with right this second. But do think it through. I'm sure you know that if you turn a blind eye, this will continue and it'll be much harder to deal with the fallout later, especially if you have kids with him or make major purchases like a house and a car.

My rule is that there's no point in taking a break. Things get so messy. Either you're with him and working on problems or you're not. Good luck. Do trust your gut. It's clearly telling you something is wrong.

@ICanHideButICantRun totally, and this is what I always say to my friends oddly.

@Ilovelurchers not that I’m aware of. I haven’t had any worries about this before with him.

@Antst thank you for that, you’re right!

All day
Every day
Even late at night

All hidden

Really OP.

Walk away leave them to it.

If asked, would he say that you have been together for one year or three?
Did you date other people during the three months apart?
Checking messages is a bit controlling. How would you feel if he checked your messages?

This. Remove yourself from the drama. Dump him and move on.

There are boundaries in a relationship. Respect.

Messaging another woman every day goes against this.

I couldn't have a relationship on these terms.

@WestBridgewater he always says 3 years, and no, neither of us dated other people during the 3 months.

I didn’t ask to see his messages, he sent me a load of screenshots of them totally unprompted.

It’s like he’s testing your reaction, then he can blame your behaviour as being unreasonable. Salving his own conscience and disregarding your feelings. I’ve never been afraid of asking difficult questions in a relationship because I’d rather know where I stand but I understand that some people would prefer not to. I’d be asking if he’s happy with me, how would he feel if the roles were reversed and I was sending the same quantity of messages to a male friend. Only you know if he’s worth continuing with, he doesn’t seem very considerate though

it's an EA isn't it, he might not even really know what one is & be in denial

VB, it sounds like you’ve been in a false reconciliation. When your P should have been committed to investing in your relationship, he dismissed your discomfort about his & OW’s connection and then took it underground. Validation via OW has been his priority.

This is an emotional affair — secrecy, constant contact, even late at night, and the development and escalation of emotional intimacy and reliance. There is very likely a mutual physical attraction.

This self-serving man is not committed to an emotionally monogamous relationship.