Maybe I should end things.

[RachD90]

Been in long term relationship for 7 years and lived together for 4. We recently got a dog together and I feel it has highlighted all of our issues. My DP is very opinionated on things and I'm starting to feel like he is controlling (and I've perhaps just not seen it).

Now that we have another living being to look after, I'm pretty much unable to leave the house without it being approved beforehand, even for a workout let alone meeting friends. I feel constantly criticised for how I am dealing with the puppy when I'm really trying my best and putting all of my energy into caring for him. He moans about an endless to do list of DIY and expects me to help but doesn't help out with any of the day to day household chores whatsoever in return.

On top of this, I am constantly criticised for how I handle money. I earn more money than him so pay double the mortgage to make up for him putting in a large deposit and I'm saving close to £1k a month to pay back debt for home improvements. If I leave I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a place on my own as all my savings have gone into fixing this house up and the deposit is mostly his. He has told me before that if he'd met me now "the way that I am", he wouldn't have gotten with me. So I feel like I have low self esteem but worried about leaving and regretting it.

Recently all we do is argue and I'm always the cause of said arguments. Maybe I'm just seeing all the negatives of the relationship when we are under stress at the moment but just not sure this is the person I want to spend my life with. He's not a bad person, just very critical and lacks patience. We have some good moments but I feel the last few months have been wearing me down and I can't seem to get clarity over the situation to figure out what to do. Help🙁

He sounds awful and like he is eating away at your self esteem. Get out!

Yes, he will erode your confidence.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Someone who is also critical and lacks patience is anyway not a good person, let alone man, to be with. Abuse is also insidious in its onset and this has been building up over time. Its now that you have a dog that his true nature i.e abusive fully emerges.

Controlling behaviour like this is abusive behaviour. Its one rule for him and quite another for you. He is Mr Wrong and absolutely not the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Your only regret if you were to leave him would be not to have left him sooner.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. I would certainly contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here as they can also give you some legal advice.

If he won't let you out of the house he is very controlling and You need to leave. He got the dog as a means to control you further.

Someone that is critical and has no patience is very draining to live with and it chips away at your confidence bit by bit . Relationships are supposed to be fun , this isn't fun in my book. He won't change , you will just become more unhappy , trust me my ex was like that.

Recently all we do is argue and I'm always the cause of said arguments.
😂
Is THAT what he tells you?!

Look - your man has finally shown his true colours, & he's a cock.
I bet HE goes out without asking permission, & expects you to be automatically on hand to look after the dog?

When you split up - & you must, his verbal abuse has become cruel & unsustainable - what do you want to do about the dog?

Keep saving that £1k a month btw, & don't put a single penny of it toward DIY or home improvements. That's your start-again fund.

Stop paying double the mortgage repayments too.
Because he can't have it both ways -
If I leave I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a place on my own as all my savings have gone into fixing this house up and the deposit is mostly his.
Are you saying that he has legally protected his larger deposit with a ringfence? If so - he can't ALSO benefit from you paying the larger share of the mortgage.

As to the improvements you've already done - they will have put value on the property, or at least made it more quickly sellable. I think you should quietly consult a property lawyer, WITHOUT telling your partner anything about it. I suspect he will be slippery about how funds are divided when you split & sell up. Get a firm legal & financial position now.

Wow! You are incredibly lucky (probably wrong word) to have seen this now before children. Get out, find a way as these will be the exact words you will be using when kids come and you're trapped even further.

“Stop paying double the mortgage repayments too.

Because he can't have it both ways -

If I leave I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a place on my own as all my savings have gone into fixing this house up and the deposit is mostly his.
Are you saying that he has legally protected his larger deposit with a ringfence? If so - he can't ALSO benefit from you paying the larger share of the mortgage.

As to the improvements you've already done - they will have put value on the property, or at least made it more quickly sellable. I think you should quietly consult a property lawyer, WITHOUT telling your partner anything about it. I suspect he will be slippery about how funds are divided when you split & sell up. Get a firm legal & financial position now.”

This. If you’re paying double the amount for the mortgage, that should be reflected in what you take out of the property if you sell it.

Thanks for the advice. On the deed we legally own the house equally but there's a trail of the amount of deposit coming from each of our separate bank accounts when we purchased so not sure if that counts for anything. There's no specific agreement protecting his deposit and as you say I've been paying double mortage so it's not quite clear cut.

Appreciate all the responses so far, guess I just needed to hear that I'm not being crazy and it does feel abusive.

Why do you need his permission to leave the house?

What do you mean he won't help with the household chores? He's not supposed to 'help', he's supposed to do his own share. Don't tell me you do all the cooking and laundry like a 1950s housewife!

Also, he is abusive. And you're not starting arguments, you are pushing back against control and abuse.

Time to get him out. See a solicitor about the house. Ideally, sell it and make a fresh start elsewhere. You would be wise to either eave him with the puppy or find it a new home.

These things seems sad but get them done and get free and you have a chance of a happy future. Of finding your self love again. And freedom.

He IS a bad man, though, OP. A really bad one.

On Monday, call and get a solicitor's appointment. Don't speak to him about any of this - keep quiet until you know what's what.

In the meantime look at apartments to let. Make a plan now - an escape plan. It's very doable. At the moment he's got you there paying twice the mortgage and putting up with him slagging you off. That has to change.

there are ways of working out who paid what amount towards the house and when u have both paid in the same, get advice pronto

Did you say you're putting away £1000 a month? No idea where you're located but wouldn't an affordable apartment be OK until the house is sold? And defintely stop contributing more to the mortgage. The deposit etc can all be sorted on selling.
He does sound controlling so won't be an easy split. But doesn't sound like it'll get better.... Just worse.

Well we have debts to pay off from the home improvements we have done so not so much putting away, would have to all be paid off if we seperated (which is my worry of if my share of the house would cover the debt). But yes I think I could figure things out myself if I leave, I have really strong family support. Tbh I like to downplay what he's done but in recent months he's also a punched wall and blamed it on me causing an argument, so I know it's only a matter of time before it escalates more. So I'm really answering my own question. Get out before it gets worse.

The violence (beacase that's what punching a wall is) will escalate. Punching a wall is not so subtle intimidation. Looks what happens when he's angry and 'loses control'. It could be you next time so youll be walking on eggshells constantly.
The extra deposit could all be sorted out from the sale proceeds of the house. He won't be helpful when it comes to selling so legal advice would be a good idea.

Sorry. Hit post too soon. Was just going to say that it's probably better to get out and cut your losses even if you have to later sort some debt out.

Try to to take the dog with you when you split, OP. You owe it a huge debt of gratitude for opening your eyes to a really dire situation.

Good luck.

Oh op, get out now! This man is controlling and eating away at your self esteem and confidence. It will not get better, only worse. My ex was like this and I married him and stayed for over twenty, increasingly soul destroying years, becoming an absolute shadow of myself. Please don’t be me.