Another 'DH has affair' thread. Cliche cliche

[DevonCream]

...and another one. Husband moved out in Nov saying he needed time away... had to think... we hadn't been getting on... he wasn't happy... no, he wasn't seeing anyone else... he promised me over and over again. He'd had issues with depression in the past. He moved into a hotel to get time away from me and the 2 boys (9 and 15). I worried and worried about him. Begged him to come back to the family home. We could sort it out together and I'd help him. Xmas was awful. We all went to his mums. We barely spoke. I was worried. He'd lost weight. Then he told me last night he'd been seeing someone else since last jan. Her husband had found out and was going to tell me so he fessed up by text. I hate him and what he's done to our boys. Why are men like this? Why did I believe him? Feel so stupid.

Oh I'm so sorry DevonCream. It may be a cliche (and yeah, I experienced it too), but it is also your very personal story right now, and so painful and unfair. I'm so sorry.

You will come out the other end, though. I'm confident of that. And if it's any comfort, there can be a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. It took some time, but I've ended up way happier than I ever was with Ex (despite it feeling like a pretty happy marriage at the time). My life is richer and wider. I am happier for not being with someone who I realize now had been displaying their selfishness for many years before they had their affair. I wouldn't swap the life I have now for the world and I am wishing the same for you as you embark on this.

Sending hugs.

Sending hugs.
It is going to be awfully raw and painful for a while.
I'd say to harness the anger in a positive way to remind yourself that this is not a person that deserves you.
He disrespected you, your children, your life together.
Life is so short that we shouldn't surround ourselves with people who are prepared to cause that much pain to us.
If at some point you decide you want to try and stay together then I recommend him having counselling to work out the root cause of why he did it and also marriage counselling for you to both work through it.
We did neither (even though I wanted to at the time) and it only reinforced to me that he didn't feel bad/care.
I wish I was still angry now as it would make me feel less guilty as we now suffer the ramifications almost a decade later.

Hi
found out my H having long term affairs for years in Oct. 2 young kids it’s very difficult and I struggle each morning when I wake up it’s like a dread feeling but as the days go in feel much more positive. Sorry to hear this has happened to you also, it sounds very very common unfortunately. Surround yourself with good people for love & support. Look after yourself and kids. For me it was a dealbreaker no going back ever divorce pending. Life is far too short to be with someone who damages you and your kids this much.
Good luck.

Poor you. Just remember Christmas was awful because of him, he made it miserable. I remember my husband saying I ruined Christmas because I was miserable after finding out about his affair! I reminded him that NO he ruined our children’s Christmas not me!

You should be really proud of yourself, what a brilliant example to your children. Wishing you lots of happiness going forward x

I’m so sorry op. You believed him because you trusted him. And you aren’t stupid. He looked you in the eye and promised there was no one else. Why would you not believe him? He is obviously an accomplished liar if he has deceived you for a year, so of course you would believe him. This is ALL on him, it’s not you, nothing you’ve done, or said, or should have done differently. He just another weak little man with a wandering cock, a sad cliche, literally nothing special about him. Try and eat a bit. And start getting all your paperwork together (mortgage/rent/bank etc) and be prepared for the sad Wanker to follow the script - it will be all your fault, not enough attention, blah blah blah. It’s horse shit justification for frankly indefensible behaviour. A very good friend of mine went through this 4 years ago and it brought her to her knees. Fast forward to now, and she’s getting married to the most lovely man this year (after swearing she would never trust a man again!) and is happier than ever. You WILL prevail, one day at a time xx

Thanks to all of you. It honestly helps reading through all your messages.
He won't be back. I know it's not me although I do keep wondering if I'd been more attentive, had more sex, gone out with him more, I don't know. I know that's all wrong but it's what everyone thinks I guess! I've analysed everything we did together while it was going on. We went to Disney this summer! I thought we had a great family holiday! What a dick.
What do I tell the kids. Or not. They know we've not been getting on and that he needs time to think. But I can't tell them about the affair. Surely. They still love him and he wants to do stuff with them. But I never want to see him again. Any advice on managing that would be very very welcome please.

At their ages I think I would tell a watered down version of the truth. Particularly the 15yo. Say that dad doesn't want to be with you (wife) anymore and has a new girlfriend. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love them and they can still see him etc etc. it's ok to tell them you are hurt but will be ok. At their ages this is a great time to model good relationship priorities and behaviour

Just to add - you don't have to see him ever again!! He can sort out contact and collect them etc.They aren't toddlers, he needs to sort out a house close to their school etc and they can go to his independently (well the 15yo certainly can, 9yo with a bit of help)

I know it's not me although I do keep wondering if I'd been more attentive, had more sex, gone out with him more, I don't know. I know that's all wrong but it's what everyone thinks I guess! I've analysed everything we did together while it was going on. We went to Disney this summer! I thought we had a great family holiday! What a dick.

Hi Devon. You know I'm going to tick you off about this, right?
He didn't cheat because of ANY 'failings' in you. He cheated because he's a cheat. An entitled liar. A man who believes he's owed cake.

I would really like you to vanquish this horrible self-doubt. And THAT is a job for ... the amazing CHUMPLADY!
www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

Have a browse, look around the archives, & learn from her wisdom & snark.

Thank you xx. I know you're right. Xx

Oh OP, I'm sorry. It's so awful. But this is 100% about HIM. I mean, even if there wasn't an affair, deciding he needed time apart from you AND the kids, and moving into a hotel?! What a complete dick move right there. The affair is just the cherry on top.

You haven't done anything wrong. I'm open to the idea that affairs sometimes happen when a relationship isn't in a good place. But sensible, mature, adult people would address the relationship issues rather than going off and shagging someone else - HE is the problem here, not you.

As for your DC, I don't believe you should hide what's happening. I mean, swearing and screaming isn't good but they're old enough to understand the basics. Also, please do not ever lie to protect their relationship with him. Because they will (especially th e15 year old) figure it out and it will just make things worse.

As to what to say to the children, I would tell them the truth, he has left you and has a new girlfriend but try (I know very hard) to say it without bitterness and stress that it does not reflect how much he cares about them and it will be different but ok. If he is a decent man he will ensure his children are put central to his life.

It can happen, no affair in my case but exh ensured the children (and me to be honest) were looked after financially and to this day pays maintenance despite being considerably over 18. Where there's an affair it adds an extra layer of betrayal but try to see it as a new chapter that will be better for you. Like so many posting here, my life is different but better now

He’s done this, it’s not you. Please get an STI test if he’s been with the OW for a year. What an arsehole.

What a cowardly cunt.

You'll be okay

He’s such a liar, and a coward. Put it in the hands of a solicitor and don’t look back.

Sorry to hear this, doesn't matter what time of year it is it's still awful.
I know it's easy to question why men do it but remember Her husband had found out and was going to tell me so presumably there's an upset husband somewhere as well. Why can't people simply enjoy the life and love they have.

Applied for mediation today. Feels like a positive step. He keeps texting and saying sorry. I'm ignoring it.

I'm so so sorry. If there's one thing about so many cheats, that gets my goat it's this nasty gaslighting, unhappy marriage bs they peddle to make them feel better about what they're doing. Watching you jump through hoops to make them happy. And he left you looking after your children while peddling this, what an absolute arse!

I totally agree with those recommending chump lady, I stayed BUT she really helped me find my voice and anger in those first few weeks and months.

You've been set on a horrible rollercoaster and the lows are low. Please go moment by moment, then hour by hour, then day by day. Time does help. Don't be surprised if you experience emotions that seem so alien to you. Please practice self care.

As for the children age appropriate honesty is ALWAYS the way forward, but vent to trusted friends. And vent a lot!

I'm so sorry. I hate that these stories always end with an affair partner disclosure. You are not a cliche.... HE IS

Would he have said anything if her husband hadn't threatened to tell you? Is she still with her husband, perhaps that's why he's so sorry.

No one thinks they are every going to be in this position but it is very common. We did trust our ex Hs and then kaboom. It does hurt so much at first and for a long time but it will resolve itself. Ignore the rewriting of his life - he's trying to ease his guilt and blame someone else. I don't think it will take your 15 year old very long to figure out what has happened but I would keep it minimal - Dad wants to live on his own now blah blah. Why is he saying sorry all the time? Does he want to come back or does he fear financial implications and he is trying to soften you up?

Perhaps reply once to say that he only contacts you about the boys, not to offload his selfish guilt on you because he wasn't sorry for the year he was having sex with someone else's wife and wasn't going to tell you til he got caught.