How would you feel?

[Lorddenning1]

How would you feel if you gave 18 years of your life dedicated to your husband, worked 2 jobs to pay bills and support you both, while he chased his dream. You supported him through university and he didn't work, you even gave him your money that you inherited to support his dream. He promises to give you the life you deserve once his dream works out. You finally had enough, ran out of money and was losing your house and asked for a divorce. He declared he loved you and didn't want to lose you but you felt like you was being conned.
You then got divorced.
Then his dream paid off and he was rewarded a large some of money for his efforts. He offers you some of it even though he didn't have to, as you are already divorced. Then he moves on and marries someone else and lives the life he always promised you.
He argues you never believed in him, but he would always love you but you wanted the divorce, not him.

I would say you deserve nothing, he was your husband. Did you take until "death do us part" not seriously? Women these days ☕

I'd feel like I maybe jumped the gun divorcing him and that I might appreciate a token of appreciation from him in the form of a 4 figure sum to reimburse some of the sacrifice I made while he studied

I would have accepted the offer of money.

Not sure if you can do anything legally to claim on this future earnings. Might be worth a consultation with a lawyer.

I know me I would probably be full of regret for a long time unless I met someone else.

this situation reminds me of the storyline of the movie Acrimony.

What's done is done, and there's no going back. You need to accept what's happened, own the choices you've made, and then move on with your life.

I'd accept the money and wish him well. No point rejecting it out of pride when he basically owes you anyway, and no point dwelling on could-haves and past decisions. Move forward and dedicate the next 18 years to a dream of your own, instead of someone else's.

Perhaps not quite how I’d phrase it, but the core message is correct.
Marriage is about taking the rough with the smooth; instead you chose to bail and it didn’t work out in your favour.

Overall I’d feel sad that I’d divorced him despite the fact he was right all along, and could indeed make his dream happen.

I’d think that maybe you divorcing him was the kick in the ass he needed to actual make his dream a reality.

Id take whatever money offered as payment for what was invested in him.

id realize not every investment is going to payout and I’d feel lucky to recoup some money from this failed one.

I would go about setting up my own life to be one that I’m proud and happy in. Because ultimately you are responsible for your own life.

Don’t covet that life and don’t spend too much time regretting. He should pay you back if he is decent. He also should enjoy the fruits of his labors.

You need to focus on your own life and making it as wonderful as you can. If you can help a man like this reach a goal then you can certainly reach your own!

What was his dream, OP? Did he suddenly have a best-selling novel or something like that?

Follow him to his yacht and shoot him

18 YEARS?! I wouldn’t have lasted 18 months supporting a non-working husband and certainly wouldn’t have handed over any inheritance. I’d take his offer of money and move on. Sounds like he took advantage of you for a long time

I’d have accepted the money. I feel similar about my ex, though he’s persued his career when we have been split, but I’ve been left here in the U.K. doing everything whilst he’s been working overseas. Earning a small fortune, paying me nothing for the kids. Now got a nice nest egg, and a big house to come back to, and I have zilch. But I don’t need his money, he can come back to his big, expensive to heat house and I will like my cosy flat. The kids know who was there for them, and whilst dad might be able to hand over 60k for Uni they know I can’t do that, but support them in other ways. Like actually being here! So in your position I’d have taken the money. I wish my ex would hand over money to me towards the deposit for the flat i’m buying, given he’s paid nothing for over 12yrs we have been split. But he won’t, as he’s as tight as anything.

If the dream hadn't worked out then you wouldn't regret leaving.
And if you wanted to be with that dp then you would stay regardless.
Or you could have divorced then won the lottery.
To many what ifs.

It's sad but really, he paid his dues when he gave you a sum of money without actually legally having to do this. I think this was your repayment. You chose to divorce him, you instigated this. Timing of success isn't his fault. Maybe you leaving his life gave him the push he needed more than your financial and personal support, maybe that was a codependency that actually hindered him.

I think if you choose to sacrifice for someone, you should do so without expectations or conditions otherwise it's not fair on either of you.

Of course he should move on and marry. What do you expect him to do? Come back to you to remarry? You gave up on him. The fact he was close to success is irrelevant, that's your bad timing.

I’d try and find it in my heart to be happy for him - life is too short for bitterness and regret. You don’t mention any bad behaviour on his part, just that you chose to support him and that you then chose to leave him.

You made your choices. You chose to support him, and bailed before the finish line. Thems the breaks. Would you feel smug instead of jealous if it hadn't worked out for him?

I expected to read that he divorced you/ran off with OW once he hit the big time. That would make him a cunt. This scenario? Just makes you bitter.

I'd feel like a mug for having sacrificed so much for him in the first place. I'd also accept the money 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Sunnytwobridges I just watched it and it got me thinking how I can see it from both sides but ultimately she is crazy, I just wanted to see what Mumsnet would think.

@growgrowinggrown