Is there ever a way with toxic, possibly mysoginistic family?

[Coffeecocoa]

I grew up with an alcoholic Dad, who would shout, hurl abuse and say nasty things to my mum. This abuse then branched out to myself and my two siblings as we got older.

He has mellowed a lot in his old age and is no longer an alcoholic but he's still very unreliable. I've had a vaguely distant relationship with him to keep the peace for the last 10 years. I have children of my own and see him now and then- he loves to see my children. My sister has a similar relationship with him.

Our brother however is very close to him and seems to have morphed into the younger version of our Dad. He has been abusive to my sister and I and alienated our children during birthdays and Christmas so we have cut contact. Our Dad sees a lot of him and his children and when I spoke to my Dad about my brother's most recent torrent of abusive messages which came completely out of the blue, he excused him because he was having "marital problems."

He has gone on to ignore his alienation of my children too after my Dad facilitated a Christmas present swap and came back empty handed for my children after taking presents to his children from us. He has ignored this and continues being very close to my brother; he has not challenged him.

My Dad clearly makes more effort with his children than mine, which is partly my fault as I've had to keep boundaries between myself and my Dad. But it's still difficult to observe the obvious favouritism, particularly as myself and my sister have girls and my brother has boys. Dad always made more effort with my brother than with us.

I have to be NC with my brother, after all of his abuse, which has been physical when we were younger, but what about my Dad? It feels like he's enabling him and supporting him even through his silence and excuses around his behaviour. I am supposed to be taking the children to visit him this weekend and I really don't want to. 😕

I’m on the fence

why do you expect your father to fight your battles? Why do you think he should have a go at your brother? That is out of order in a way

he shouldn’t have to fall out with any of you for the sake of one of you

i bet you brother has been encouraging him to have a go at you aswell which by the sounds of it he hasn’t so……….

I think there are many layers to this... if I'm honest, do I want him to stick up for me and my children? Yes. I had years of him siding with my brother when we were younger and then when he physically attacked me 15 years ago, he swept it under the carpet. I had visible bruising on my face and Dad had walked in straight afterwards. He continued doing their joint hobby and continued their social lives together in the local pub. I was devastated. I had to rent a room from a friend after that as I was still living at home and needed to leave and my brother stayed. It's triggered feelings of betrayal again.

If my Dad hadn't have mellowed over the years,I don't think we would have a relationship at all now. He's very pleasant with my children but I do struggle to have a relationship with him.

My Dad has been telling my brother things I've said as he quoted private conversations with my Dad in his most recent abusive tirade. I asked my Dad why he had done that and he went very sheepish. His loyalty has been and always will be to my brother and his children no matter what and I can't say it doesn't hurt.

So either go with your children and be virtually mute, do not give your dad any emotional information ever again.

Or cancel.

Your df has acquired a Mini i Me. Why would he see that negatively? No way would he be enjoying the pleasure of seeing my dc. Is he a positive influence to have in their lives op? I am nc with my dps. They don't see my dc either.

Not really @Eastereggsboxedupready he does a flying visit every 2-3 weeks where he gives them attention for 10 minutes and then talks AT me about all his problems and then leaves. They don't really have a relationship with him and as they're quite extrovert children (not naughty at all, just full of fun and games) he just seems overwhelmed by them- I was made to sit quietly as a child becauseof him. We never visit him at his house, he says he doesn't like having visitors over (which translates to "I live in a shit hole.")