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Original poster

Can attraction grow?

20 replies

ATisketATasket · 05/01/2023 21:06

I know people will come on here to tell me it can. But I need advice, or perhaps just validation.

I went on a date today with someone I had met through old. I don't particularly have a type looks-wise, but I will only swipe if the profile is well-written, there are a few decent photos and we seem to have some mutual interests.
I started chatting to this guy, I wasn't 100% about looks-wise, but on paper he ticks loads of boxes and the chat was really good. Nothing raising red-flags etc.

Anyway we finally met today (waited too long perhaps before meeting), and whilst we had a good, nice conversation, I don't think I was feeling it. At one point I checked my body language and every bit of me was crossed 😬
I just feel a bit down-hearted as on paper he is great, but I should feel more than that when we meet, right?

I have previously had sparks (both from old and years ago, but neither worked out for various reasons), interestingly I didn't get sparks with my exH although I did fancy him. I don't know if I am expecting too much of someone in the first meeting?

I feel like if I agreed to a second date (which he has asked for) I would be leading him on a bit?
Anyone have any wise words?

OP posts:
Masterion · 05/01/2023 21:08

Chill. Meet again. See how it goes.

minticecreamisjustok · 05/01/2023 21:11

I wouldn't, it's a waste of time if you don't fancy him, I feel your frustration but wouldn't you rather wait until it feels right rather than trying to false a connection?

CousinKrispy · 05/01/2023 21:24

I dunno. I've met guys that I thought "I definitely do not feel attracted to this person" and walked away from them, but with my current partner I didn't feel attraction right away, but we had a good rapport and he seemed like a good person, so I wanted to give it a chance. And now we have an amazing sexual connection.

So it can potentially happen. But of course there's no guarantee it will happen with any particular individual.

CWeed · 05/01/2023 21:26

For some people it does and some it doesn't.

Meeting him again isn't leading him on. He might not want to see you for all you know. He might change his mind about you after the second meet. See him again and then make your decision but don't tell him you went a second time to test your feelings, keep that bit for yourself.

stormywaves · 05/01/2023 21:31

I consider first dates a bit like a job interview.
No one is quite themselves, probably a bit nervous.

I would give it a second date, attraction can grow especially as people relax and you get to know each other. It is not leading him on.

Bertha21 · 05/01/2023 21:48

I think you need to feel it but it could be a slow grow. Try another date and decide?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 21:49

You can't force it. Maybe one more coffee? He mght feel the same.

AnnieFarmer · 05/01/2023 21:52

I just think you’re overthinking it a bit. Relax and just see him again. But this time, don’t overthink it all. Just meet… and relax.

Original poster
ATisketATasket · 05/01/2023 21:53

A mixture of responses, thank you for responding.
I don't know why but agreeing to another date makes me feel a bit stressed (partly because he has asked and I feel like I have to respond tonight!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ATisketATasket · 05/01/2023 21:54

Maybe I am overthinking it all too much!

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 05/01/2023 21:56

A friend worked with her long term partner for 6 months before she felt attraction to him. She told me she liked him as a friend but definitely did not fancy him then one day she realised she really liked him!

CinderellaFant · 05/01/2023 22:00

On my first few dates with now DH I wasn't attracted to him at all. I remember my friend asking me did I kiss him on our first date and I said ewww no. I told him I just wanted to be friends.
14 years later we are married and about to have our 4th baby together. Attraction definitely does grow.

Suprima · 05/01/2023 22:06

The fact that you are stressed about saying yes to another date IS a red flag.

It also depends on how much you value sexual chemistry and physical attraction. There is nothing wrong with prizing in highly. Women are frequently talked into settling or ‘giving people a chance.’

I spent 6 years with a slow burner who I was encouraged to ‘give a chance’. Although there were a couple of good years where I really fancied him AS A PERSON it descended into meh when life got tough and I never had that bodice-ripping awe.

I met someone else shortly after we broke up. Absolutely giddy on the first date. 100% my type. Now married, now want to bonk my husband every time he gets out of the shower.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2023 22:15

I don’t think agreeing to a 2nd date is leading him on. It’s not like you’ve 100% agreed you can’t see it going anywhere and are just leading him on. I’d go for a 2nd date, you’ll be more relaxed and see how it goes. I must admit I would only go again if I fancied someone - but I have spent 12yrs single until late November last year when an ex colleague I always fancied asked me out! I never fancied my ex, father of my kids and he knew that, but he kept chasing me. Now I’d never go out with someone I didn’t have that initial connection with but I’m fussy and was prepared to be single if I didn’t have that. I wouldn’t recommend, though I’m now seeing someone I fancy the pants off and sex is amazing with a capital A! Probably because I fancy the pants off him and it’s so passionate as we both really fancy each other.

HappyNewYear2023 · 05/01/2023 22:15

I didnt 'fancy' my ex at all but I did really like who he was as a person so agreed to another date. It took a few dates but the sexual attraction really grew!

planefullofotters · 05/01/2023 22:25

If you feel stressed about it that is a clear sign not to go ahead!

Skipsaway · 05/01/2023 22:40

Have one more date and see how you feel. You may both decide its not going to work.

Original poster
ATisketATasket · 05/01/2023 22:45

Thanks for all your replies. I have spent the evening thinking and i think if the chat and rapport had been a bit better I would've gone on a second date, but I have politely (hopefully) declined. I think my gut is telling me something. And I want to feel excitement about a second date, not feel a bit stressed.
I am aware I probably need to chill out and go with the flow a bit more, but I find that quite tricky!

OP posts:
Anotheroneandanother · 05/01/2023 23:01

Meet again.

I've not long been on a 2nd date with a guy who I was distinctly non plussed about after the first, but not disinterested enough to not give a 2nd date to and it's safe to say we are planning further dates and can't stop talking to each other.

So I say give him another shot, if you still aren't feeling it walk away

Anotheroneandanother · 05/01/2023 23:03

I've read your other posts now. Walk away. I wasn't this anxious after my first date just very meh he's nice but I'm not sure. You seem very much trying to justify walking away, that to me is your instincts telling you to walk

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