Family Problem - need some advice please

[Broodymomma]

Hiya

Really needing some advice on how to handle this situation.

My FIL died suddenly age 57 almost 2 years ago. It was obviously a heartbreaking time for all the family but as time has gone on my MIL is just becoming unbearable.

To cut a long story short she lives 50 miles away but we go see her atleast twice a week one of those times are at the weekend when we stay all day until its my sons bedtime. She also has my son one afternoon per week and has another son and grandaughter who visit also atleast twice per week.

She is so up and down I just dont know ho to cope with her anymore. She is either lovely with me or is practically spitting venom. For example at the weekend we were all at her house when she decided myself and my sil were ignoring her and she stropped off to the kitchen and had a go at my bil for it. We 100% were not ignoring her and it just came out of nowhere. It has got to the point where i hate visiting but i go and make a fuss of her as i do really feel sorry for her and what she has been through. It just feels like no matter how much we do its never enough. She has friends and also she works so she is not sat in all the time and i hate saying this but its like she is almost playing on what has happened. She constantly makes comments like "you have stolen my son away" (we have been together 10 years). After spending 7hrs at her house on saturday she ended the day with "yeah on you all go away home, forget about me, just leave me here alone".

I have tried talking to dh about it but he wont here it. Its like walking on eggshells. My lo is only 9 months and things like his first xmas was not great as we had her to stay and she was in a mood the whole time. DH took her home on boxing day and he ended up staying there with her and our ds the whole day meaning i loose out yet again on a first with my son. I hate to sound like i am whinging but we have done so much for her without a word of complaint but it seems the more we do the more she expects.

Help!!! How do I make my dh see how she is making me feel when he falls out with me the second i try and broach the subject?

THere is a possibility that she is depressed and would benefit from professional help. COuld you try putting it to your DH in those terms rather than 'your mother is mean to me'? Even though you do have a point, it may come across to your DH that you are whining and being 'selfish', whereas if you suggest that his poor mother needs help he might be more inclined to persuade her to see her GP.
I'm not saying you are whining, just that it;s easier to get people to listen to you if you make it a problem that can be fixed rather than all about your feelings (which they can just counter with: but she;s a poor widow'.

Thanks for replying. She is depressed and has been on pills since my fil became ill. I have tried really hard with her making sure she is taking her medication and have offered to go to bereavment councelling with her but she is not interested. Tbh she was doing really well but for some reason she has taken a major backwards turn and myself and my sil seem to take the brunt of it.

I am very lucky that I have never lost a partner or either of my parents so I cant understand I know that. Its just difficult to put up with the way she treats me when it suits her when I have been trying to hard to help her.

You are not whinging at all. It sounds as if you do more for your MIL than most people would. You give up a day of your week-end, family time, every week, I think you are a saint.

Your MIL is clearly depressed and perhaps a little resentful to you and your SIL because you both have husbands and she doesn't anymore.

I can see it's a tricky situation because on one hand you feel sorry for her but on the other she has no right to expect you to travel 50 miles every week-end to see her when she is rude and resentful to you and your SIL.

I think madamez is right, a different approach to your dh is neeeded to make him listen to you about this situation.