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Original poster

Dsd bedroom

24 replies

mosaicone · 05/01/2023 15:23

NT age 20.
Working pt by choice (I don't agree with this but I've got a lot of fights on my hands at the mo, this one's not worth it yet) so has a lot of free time.
I am struggling to describe how filthy her room is (lives with us). It's a downstairs room and the amount of food and dirty clothes, takeaway wrappers, general rubbish and clutter is awful. You can't see the carpet. 🤮
We have other adult dc at home, she says she doesn't have enough storage but the others all manage and she has the biggest room. Her dsis has the smallest and keeps it lovely.
If she was my dd I would be more forceful in insisting she cleans it but I really think it is a dh issue (we have numerous Disney parenting examples and I won't bloody mother him as well).
I feel like if it were my adult ds I'd be at the ultimatum stage, my rules or find somewhere else to live?
What is reasonable? I'm not expecting it to be spotless but it is horrendous, I swear there's not an inch of floor space in a nice sized room. Crap is piled up everywhere.
I don't want to help, I've got enough on my plate with marriage worries and work to have to clean a 20 year olds bedroom that they've done themselves..
This isn't new, I've been asking dh to get her to sort it for months.
I'm so worn down from other things going on, this feels a lot bigger than it probably should 😕 can't exactly ground her or take her phone away can we

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 05/01/2023 15:27

Step back a minute. This isn't a Dsd issue, it's a symptom of your issues with DH. He doesn't care that you feel disrespected and ignored by his daughter. I'm going to guess you feel so irritated by what is basically a bit of mess in a room that you never go into because of what it represents rather than the room itself.

Beamur · 05/01/2023 15:28

Shut the door.

StonwEd · 05/01/2023 15:30

YukoandHiro · 05/01/2023 15:27

You are absolutely right. It's one of many ongoing issues that I have no voice in.
I'm tired and ignored and have had the rug completely pulled from under me in the last month.

StonwEd · 05/01/2023 15:31

It is absolutely disgusting though!

Azandme · 05/01/2023 15:31

You have a dsd AND dh problem.

I'd put a few grains of black rice here and there. Particularly somewhere it'll really gross her out - next to make up, on bed sheet, by empty wrappers.

It looks like mouse poo. You can then legitimately demand it is cleaned before the house is infested.

StonwEd · 05/01/2023 15:32

Azandme · 05/01/2023 15:31

You have a dsd AND dh problem.

I'd put a few grains of black rice here and there. Particularly somewhere it'll really gross her out - next to make up, on bed sheet, by empty wrappers.

It looks like mouse poo. You can then legitimately demand it is cleaned before the house is infested.

Trust me I know. Its hard to pick which issues are worth fixing at the moment.

I like that idea as well

gogohmm · 05/01/2023 15:33

Same issue here re bedrooms, both of them (dd and dsd similar age) nightmare but I don't sweat it, I know not to fight that battle

StonwEd · 05/01/2023 15:34

What is the point in name changing if it reverts to the original one 🙄 doesn't really matter

YukoandHiro · 05/01/2023 15:34

How have you had the rug pulled from under you OP?

Cherrysoup · 05/01/2023 20:00

Your Dh needs to sort this.

MichelleScarn · 05/01/2023 20:02

Is she hoarding cutlery etc too?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:11

I thought your name rang a bell. Are you staying together?

StonwEd · 05/01/2023 21:07

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:11

I thought your name rang a bell. Are you staying together?

Who knows at this point, I certainly don't

lailamaria · 07/01/2023 07:16

don't gaslight her that's it's mouldy, that's still your partners daughter i'm shocked you seem to dislike her so much

BackAgainstWall · 07/01/2023 10:09

It sounds horrendous and personally if it was in my house I couldn’t just shut the door and pretend it wasn’t there.

Is it a question of your DH and DSD using this as a weapon against you because they know it causes you stress?

I would probably have to get 3 strong bin liners and tell her that she/you were going to sort it out.
Be positive with no ifs or buts, then:

Rubbish
Dirty Cloths (obviously don’t throw them away).
Dirty plates etc (as above).

Help her.
Encourage her.
Praise her.
Be patient (I know, god I bloody know).
Whatever it takes, but don’t lose it or look disgusted.

I would finish it off by hoovering it (so that she feels she’s gained on not using as much effort).

Then praise praise praise (and remember it’s YOU that has succeeded).

Alphavilla · 07/01/2023 10:26

Tell her nicely that her room stinks. (It could well do with all the takeaways and dirty clothes lying around). House smells linger on a person when they go out. Can you shame her into better habits? Not many 20 year old girls want to go out stinking! It points out that her messy room is not necessarily hidden from society. A tidy elegant fresh room brings forth a sweet smelling confident girl ... Sort of thing..

Alphavilla · 07/01/2023 10:28

Btw I would offer to help to tidy it. The task in hand might seem overwhelming for a grown child to tackle.

ShandaLear · 07/01/2023 10:30

BackAgainstWall · 07/01/2023 10:09

It sounds horrendous and personally if it was in my house I couldn’t just shut the door and pretend it wasn’t there.

Is it a question of your DH and DSD using this as a weapon against you because they know it causes you stress?

I would probably have to get 3 strong bin liners and tell her that she/you were going to sort it out.
Be positive with no ifs or buts, then:

Rubbish
Dirty Cloths (obviously don’t throw them away).
Dirty plates etc (as above).

Help her.
Encourage her.
Praise her.
Be patient (I know, god I bloody know).
Whatever it takes, but don’t lose it or look disgusted.

I would finish it off by hoovering it (so that she feels she’s gained on not using as much effort).

Then praise praise praise (and remember it’s YOU that has succeeded).

She’s a grown woman. Don’t patronise her. If this is just a symptom of other behaviours and attitudes I’d just kick them out and be done with it.

Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 10:55

It might be too overwhelming for her to tackle. But I would also point out that this sort of behaviour is often a sign that the person is unhappy. When they haven't got the inclination or energy to look at their surroundings and want to make them nice, there's something else going on. She might have low self-esteem and her subconscious is telling her that she doesn't 'deserve' nice surroundings. Could be a cry for help.

Naunet · 07/01/2023 12:58

lailamaria · 07/01/2023 07:16

don't gaslight her that's it's mouldy, that's still your partners daughter i'm shocked you seem to dislike her so much

What made you think OP doesn’t like her much? I can’t see anything in the OP that implies this. I hate how people throw comments like that around based on nothing but a normal human reaction to bad behaviour.

Not approving of someone’s behaviour is not the same as not liking that person.

BackAgainstWall · 07/01/2023 14:02

@ShandaLear
I think you’re extremely naive, if you think it’s easy to just ‘kick them out.’

There are several ways to skin a cat to get a result in the short-term.

Whether or not you think I’m being patronising - it’s just one method that I have used, and it has worked. It’s purely a question of handling people, so that it doesn’t blow-up/get worse.

In the long-term, who knows, perhaps it will result in a break-up/moving out situation.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 07/01/2023 14:34

Serve DH his dinner with no cutlery. When he asks for some, tell him it is all in HIS DD's room and he can ask for it.

StonwEd · 08/01/2023 07:43

To whoever said I don't like her, simply not true.
We had a lovely dinner together last night, asked how the room is, she's walked through the house with bin bag after bon bag to her dad's car today so progress is being made and I've thanked her accordingly. I actually don't think there's an underlying issue, she's a very happy girl though thinking back to her childhood, her mums house was like this so I'm that sense it's clear how she's like this.

She's lovely, what a silly thing to say.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 08/01/2023 08:46

Do you know anyone with a hamster? A few drops of poo on her pillow and some on her best make up would probably be a decent rocket up the arse....those mice get everywhere and love takeaway food!
Aside from me being silly, step daughter or not she lives in your house. If it was my house she would have to make massive improvements or find somewhere else to live.

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