Can you simultaneously think a parent is a dick but love them and want to know them?

[malificent7]

I love my ddad but he has hurt me in the following ways:

Is always proud of other people's children , especially his dps adult dd but is less proud of me.

When I got a 1st, it was because the exam/course was too easy.

Slags off the nhs...both his daughters work for it.

Got with his dp 5 months after our mum died which was ok but was not sensitive about our grief.

Was mean to our late mother...financially abusive i reckon. Not at all mean to his dp...which is great but it hurts.

I could go on really.

I love him so cannot go nc.

Is it just me?

No. Relationships are very complex.

If I was not related to my mother, she would not be a person that I had any interest in knowing. She's unpleasant and negative about everything.

But she did bring me up and I lived with her for 18 years, so I don't want to cut her out entirely. Whether this is obligation, for an easy life, sense of duty, habit ... I don't know. Objectively it makes no sense.

No, definitely not you.

My mother can be a very critical, judgmental, down right mean person. After all these years I realise she lacks any real empathy and just needs to be the centre of attention. She’s my mother but has never has done any real mothering. I feel like an orphan around her. I am exhausted by her and I have lost all respect for my mother. Any love left is slowly draining away. I have lost interest in her, but it’s me that will end up looking after her, which I will do but this depresses me greatly.

My Mum is an awful Mum but a fairly good grandmother, so I choose to have a relationship with her - but after a LOT of therapy, I have my boundaries firmly in place

My dad was actually at times very cruel other times great.

He was a dick but I loved him he was my dad but I am under no illusions about him

Yes absolutely. My mum is a terrible person but I still see her several times a week. I don’t let the toxic things she says affect me anymore though.

Why do you see her so often? It sounds as though she must be terrible for your mental health.

A very good piece of advice I was once given - it's possible to love the person but dislike their acts.

So, yes, you can love your dad but disagree with his opinions and behaviour. It's for you to decide how you include him in your life, for example, whether you love him from a distance but don't engage in his life, or whether you spend time with him but choose to ignore his comments.

What you cannot do is change his opinions or behaviour, that's not within your control. However, you can set boundaries. For example "Dad, I know you are unhappy with the NHS but I'm proud to work for them and it really upsets me to hear these comments. Let's talk about something else." If he won't change the subject it's your choice to stay and tolerate it, or leave and say I'll leave you to that conversation and see you another time.

Good relationships are a two-way street and it sounds very much like yours is one way traffic. Give it up. He's not going to change, you'll spend the rest of your life hoping and wishing and wasting your energy on something and someone that won't change. See them, speak to them, deal with them when you have to, concentrate your energies on those closer to home who value you for all your brilliantness.

Its your choice not to go no contact but a truly loving father would not have behaved like this at all to his now adult child.

People are programmed to love a parent, no matter how crap or abusive they actually are. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your assigned role here to him appears to be one of scapegoat. As a result your kids get scapegoated as well.

You need to give up any and all residual hope that he will change even now; this is who he truly is and its not your fault he is like this. You also need to stop with seeking his approval; he will never give you this. You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Have a look at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Deal also with any and all fear, obligation and guilt you have through seeing a BACP registered therapist as well. You may also want to look at Dr Ramani on Youtube.

My dad was incredibly cruel and did/said some truly awful things but I still miss him 20 years after his death. I think he would have been a much better grandparent than father. He was a fabulous uncle as that was not as much responsibility. I will spend my life trying to not believe the awful things he said about me but I still miss him. It makes no sense and I wouldn't let anyone else treat me like that and get under my skin. But he was my dad. It isn't just you.