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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Help" with trust issues

9 replies

nc1013 · 05/01/2023 13:03

I've seen a lot of replies to posts on here suggesting people need help with trust issues etc etc

I'd definitely put myself in that bracket. ExH of 15 years cheated for a year starting I was pregnant and lasting most of my Dds 1st year before I found out and we split up.

Looking back I suspect her cheated at various other points during our marriage. Not that it's make any difference now as we split over 7 years ago and I've completely moved on from him

My problem is that although I'm over the relationship with him, I still find i have trust issues. I know people will say i shoddily be single until I've dealt with my issues but I was happily single for 6 years with a couple of flings here and there - nothing serious.

I had therapy to deal with the past and genuinely felt ready. I've met the most amazing man, been together 8-9 months but find myself constantly looking for signs of cheating (he's given me no reason to doubt him). I feel like I'm looking for issues and almost trying to catch him out to prove to myself that I'm right not to trust him.

I also have a very anxious attachment style.

I recognise all this and know it's not healthy. I feel like for the first few months it wasn't an issue as it wasn't overly serious, next few months I was feeling less secure but hid it well. I'm now at the point I'm finding it harder and harder to hide my feelings of mistrust and if I'm not careful I'll sabotage this relationship.

Just looking for advice - I want to address this once & for all but is it therapy? Counselling? CBT? I don't even know the difference between them all?! I had therapy in the past re childhood and marriage breakdown and it was really helpful but was more talking about what I'd been through and why I feel how I feel. I feel I need something to help with my mindset/ thought pattern and coping mechanisms when I get insecure or suspicious?

OP posts:
dalmation4046 · 05/01/2023 15:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
nc1013 · 05/01/2023 15:45

You've summarised me to a tee!!

I've nearly ended the relationship just because I hate being in a constant state of anxiety but I know it's me and not him. If I ended it and met someone else I'd be the same....but doubt I'd ever meet someone else this good again.

He's been brilliant at putting up with my constant questions and picking holes, looking for issues etc. but I know it'll finally wear him down and it's beginning to taint things already.

It's as hard for him as it is for me and he's done nothing to deserve it so I'm lucky he's hung around this long!!

Every time I have an 'episode' where I feel like this and get upset we resolve it, he puts up with it and I resolve that that's the last time I'm going to behave like that. I have a word with myself that I need to take a risk, go all in, be vulnerable and really trust him. It only lasts short term til I find the next thing (that I've gone looking for) and it's back to square one.

Think I need some therapy/coping techniques to keep me in the mindset I am when I'm deciding to trust and let go.

I read a post a few weeks ago where someone said they are on constant high alert for signs of cheating. That's me and I make half of them up in my head!

OP posts:
booboo24 · 05/01/2023 16:53

Also following as you've described me too. My ex cheated (with hidsight) we were together from a very young age until our late 30's, he was my very best friend and all I'd ever known as we met when we were at school. I did have my suspicions a couple of times throughout the relationship but nothing was ever found to back it up. He eventually left me and I was heartbroken. He moved on and ultimstely cheated on her so many times at the same time (god knows how he managed it but that made me even worse as I must have been right before but couldn't ever find the evidence!) It all came out and was horrendous for all concerned really. Anyway, I moved on and am engaged, but I do struggle, I read into every comment, I watch his facial expressions if he's on his phone, I wonder who he's texting, I read something on here and then decide that he must also be doing that on facebook or on the internet etc! I have tried therapy also, but not to much avail (quite clearly from what I've written here!) as I can feel that I've 'found things' which to me are evidence that he maybe can't be trusted but to everyone else it's just silly and all fine! My therapist told me I'd spent years with my ex trying to find evidence to prove he isn't cheating when he was, and so now I've gone the other way and I'm trying to find evidence he IS. It's exhausting. It doesn't help that I suffer with GAD and Obsessional thinking.

Anyway I'm following with interest

Original poster
nc1013 · 05/01/2023 17:18

I feel like I spent years trying to find proof with my ex too....there were other occasions I suspected him but no proof and now I'll never know.

It's like we've conditioned to constantly be on the look out. Not that it would stop it happening as even if my DP was messaging someone I'd end it.

I think a big part of it for me is that my ex got away with it for so long that I felt like a complete mug for not knowing and I'm determined never to be in that position again, hence the constant looking

OP posts:
booboo24 · 05/01/2023 21:19

I was told it's hyper vigilance. So I am on high alert for evidence to save myself when the reality is it wouldn't lessen the pain if it actually happened. I find that I do have my walls up and find it hard to be vulnerable to him which is a shame as he's a very open and loving man. I also find it hard to tell what is a gut feeling and what is anxiety

kittie01 · 05/01/2023 22:38

Omg this thread is me to a tee. I make up scenarios in my head and believe they are happening. It doesn’t help that my chap is really chatty to everyone and talks mainly to women. To be fair it’s mainly women around and his job have mainly women in it. I saw on his phone that he rang a girl in work and now I’m wondering why did he ring her? The call lasted a minute but I’m still thinking what was the call about. I over think everything and imagine all kinds of bad stuff. No advice but I so needed this thread so I know I’m not alone doing this.

Original poster
nc1013 · 06/01/2023 18:23

booboo24 · 05/01/2023 21:19

I was told it's hyper vigilance. So I am on high alert for evidence to save myself when the reality is it wouldn't lessen the pain if it actually happened. I find that I do have my walls up and find it hard to be vulnerable to him which is a shame as he's a very open and loving man. I also find it hard to tell what is a gut feeling and what is anxiety

This is exactly what I have. When my brain is working logically I'm quite self aware and know I'm doing it.

My problem is, now that I know what it is and it's me that's the "issue" - what can I do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
nc1013 · 06/01/2023 18:25

kittie01 · 05/01/2023 22:38

Omg this thread is me to a tee. I make up scenarios in my head and believe they are happening. It doesn’t help that my chap is really chatty to everyone and talks mainly to women. To be fair it’s mainly women around and his job have mainly women in it. I saw on his phone that he rang a girl in work and now I’m wondering why did he ring her? The call lasted a minute but I’m still thinking what was the call about. I over think everything and imagine all kinds of bad stuff. No advice but I so needed this thread so I know I’m not alone doing this.

It's a horrible way to live isn't it? Can't be easy for our DPs either. I'd love juts to be able to let go and enjoy it....at the end of the day of we're going to get hurt, we're going to get hurt. Living like this won't stop it but is spoiling us enjoying the moments and at least making any potential heartbreak worthwhile.

I know all of this but it doesn't stop me thinking and feeling how I do

OP posts:
kittie01 · 07/01/2023 23:55

Exactly, we’re stopping ourselves from enjoying what we have. We’ve only gone out three times since we met due to no money and the way I work and I work myself into a panic thinking he’ll flirt with every woman that’s there. To be fair he doesn’t but he has done at times and it’s soul destroying for me. I wish I could just relax and enjoy it

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