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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband’s comments

15 replies

Scotsthistle · 05/01/2023 10:51

My husband and I decided to watch a film in bed last night. After 10 minutes he fell asleep and was snoring really loudly. I could barely hear the film! Anyway he woke up a few times demanding I turn the volume down. Calling me selfish pulling the covers etc. I could t enjoy m’y evening due to his amateur dramatics. If I fall asleep and he continues to watch a film I don’t say a word.
He is 2 days into a diet and last night he said that I was in denial that I was fat !!!!
i told him that I was happy in myself and I certainly wasn’t fat, and he replied I was in denial.
It makes me uncomfortable the way he’s so vocal about his diet etc as as I had an eating disorder a few years ago I would prefer it if he kept it to himself tbh. I feel like he needs constant attention. I work 32 hours a week and do all housework/food shop/ childcare for our 3 children 16, 11 and 6.
he has the cheek to complain if his clothes aren’t washed and yet won’t help out!!!! I would love to start running again but don’t have the energy I’m exhausted all the time
Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 10:53

What benefit is there to you in remaining married to this selfish, whinging, undermining, lazy man?

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/01/2023 10:57

Why are you sorry for expressing your frustration?

There's a lot going on in your post. Could you watch TV in the living room rather than in bed? If your husband is sleepy and in bed, it's not wrong for him to want to fall asleep.

His comments about your weight are not appropriate especially if he knows you have had an eating disorder in the past. Is he not aware that these kinds of comments can risk triggering a relapse?

The biggest issue is why are you doing everything for everyone else?? Just stop washing his clothes for a start and tell him he's responsible for them. Tell him what jobs are his responsibility and don't "ask him to help", tell him he's not pulling his weight or doing his fair share. Write a list of everything you do for the house and the children, alongside your hours worked, and then do the same for him to show him visually that he is shirking. Harder for him to excuse his own behaviour when it's in black and white.

ZaphodDent · 05/01/2023 12:02

Just on the topic of the TV... if someone wants to sleep and asks for the TV to be switched off, then switch off the TV. Sleep is more important than TV. Go and watch it in another room if you're determined to watch it.

If you don't ask for the TV to be switched off when you want to sleep, that's your decision.

user1492757084 · 05/01/2023 12:33

Why have a TV in the bedroom? Sleep is very important.

You say you are tired and need your sleep too.

Allocate some of the weekly chores to the children and to your husband.

Original poster

Scotsthistle · 05/01/2023 13:33

The children do chores. My husband never Sticks to the chore chart I added 3 things for him to do (things he chose) and he never did it!!!

At the beginning of the week I told him I needed him to help and his response was he works 50 hours a week and brings home more money than me !

OP posts:

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/01/2023 13:43

Don't phrase it as "help", calling it that emphasises that its somehow all your responsibility to sort out the house and children when in fact it is both your responsibility. Talk about it in terms of him doing his share. So he works 18 hours more than you, so across 5 days he works just over 3.5 hours more than you. Does he think that you only deal with the children and the household for 3.5 hours a day, on weekdays only?? Getting them up, ready for school, school run, cooking dinner, sorting homework/clubs/activities, bathtime and assorted other stuff easily takes up at least that amount of time. So what does he think about the rest of the time that you spend on housework, admin, children? Including the entire weekend?

Original poster

Scotsthistle · 05/01/2023 13:55

He thinks he does more than his share by bringing home more money than me and working more hours. I’m in the process of starting a small business and I would love to build it up but that means more hours and I can’t think about that when I’m so busy with my family’s needs

OP posts:

Namechangingagain111 · 05/01/2023 14:13

Take the tv out of the bedroom

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/01/2023 14:16

@Scotsthistle you know he's wrong about that, though? The extra money he brings in would not be so impressive if he was having to pay someone for the tasks that you do. Plus, him being the higher earner doesn't automatically turn you into his domestic servant! If you were both working 50 hours a week but he earned more than you, would he expect you to do everything at home??

Naunet · 05/01/2023 14:33

I work 32 hours a week and do all housework/food shop/ childcare for our 3 children 16, 11 and 6

he has the cheek to complain if his clothes aren’t washed and yet won’t help out!!!!

FFS, why are you doing this? This man disrespects you and treats you like a skivvy, yet you still run around after him washing his dirty pants? Find some self respect OP, you wouldn’t let a friend treat you with such disrespect, so stop modelling it to your children.

Original poster

Scotsthistle · 05/01/2023 14:50

Thanks for the brutal honesty! You’re totally right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scotsthistle · 05/01/2023 14:53

That is a fair point I shall mention that to him tonight !

OP posts:

Pumpkindoodles · 05/01/2023 14:59

If it’s about hours for him, explain you’ll do 20 hours worth of childcare and house work so you’re even at 50 hours work a week each. Then you can divide the rest up between you.
or just stop cooking his meals and washing his clothes and use that time and energy to go for a run if that’s what you want to do.

i don’t think the movie and grumpiness thing one night is that bad if he was otherwise nice,
However, i cant imagine being married to such an ignorant man who is aware of your ED and still can’t stop talking about himself and even your weight.

caramac04 · 05/01/2023 15:08

Literally put your running stuff on and get out the door. It’s half an hour. Let someone else cook/tidy/do laundry or whatever for that time.

WhenDovesFly · 05/01/2023 15:41

Scotsthistle · 05/01/2023 13:33

I'd be telling him "I work 32 hrs out of the home that I get paid for, and I work X hours in the home, which I don't get paid a penny for. Consider yourself lucky that you get paid for all the work you do."

Refuse to do any cooking/laundry/life admin for him unless he pays you a decent hourly rate.

Seriously though, being on a diet doesn't entitle him to verbally abuse you, especially if you've had an eating disorder previously. If this is typical of his behaviour then I'd be seriously considering whether it was worth staying in the relationship.

The TV thing though - the person who wants to sleep should get the deciding vote on whether the TV is on. The other person should watch elsewhere, not disturb the sleeper.

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