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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner can't forgive me

17 replies

Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:13

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

OP posts:

startfresh · 05/01/2023 07:21

It surely depends on the decision to whether you were unreasonable. Did you feed baby chocolate or get their ears pierced?

He shouldn't be speaking to you like that, either way, and hopefully someone will signpost you to some useful resources to get out.

UpUpAndAwol · 05/01/2023 07:24

If he is speaking to you like this I think the issues run much deeper than one incident. He sounds like he has so much hatred and contempt for you. It is likely to escalate and I would speak to women’s aid about help. Sorry you are going through this

KangarooKenny · 05/01/2023 07:24

You aren’t stuck, there’s always ways to leave, but you might not like them.
You are in a very poor financial situation, and you need to do something about that. Are you planning on going back to work ? Money is key to your freedom.

SebastiansLeg · 05/01/2023 07:41

This is a massive communication issue. It is abusive to name call and insult you and your family and experts in relationships will tell you that unless this changes there is a very high chance your relationship will not survive this type of communicating. Yes he can be angry but I bet if he is angry at work he wouldn't speak to either his boss or work colleagues this way otherwise he wouldn't have a job so why does he feel he can do this to you?

Maybe have a look at the video below and secondly you are not trapped, your choices are not great but they aren't to stay with him forever.

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 05/01/2023 07:48

Is this to do with vaccinations by any chance? I had a similar issue with my ex and chose to get our DS vaccinated against his wishes and he behaved in the way you’re describing.

It turned physically abusive and I had to leave the relationship.

Regardless of what you did, nothing warrants him verbally abusing multiple times a day in front of your child (who by witnessing it is now also a victim of his abuse).

You need to leave him. It sounds like his behaviour is escalating and him picking on your looks demonstrates the level of disdain he has for you… this will get worse.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/01/2023 07:48

This isn’t a parenting disagreement

this is him being an arse and using abusive language
I don’t know what you did (I’m assuming maybe you took baby somewhere he doesn’t like ?)

but to unleash this level of personal abuse isn’t right or healthy

id say right now your top top priority is as kenny says to make plans to work and be financially dependant

as a lone parent and if abuse escalates you would be prioritised should you need emergency housing or if you become homeless due to the abuse

Margo34 · 05/01/2023 07:49

He sounds a catch. An emotionally abusive one! Don't be drawn in. Explain rationally what decision you made and why. Apologise for going over his head but reiterate the safety aspect. Agree you both have areas in your relationship to work on, namely communication.Decide for yourself what you want from the relationship - you say you can't leave, do you want to leave? Do you want to stay? Where there's a will there's a way.

Out of curiousity, what decision did you do? Did you buy an extended rear facing carseat and have taken it out the box now can't return it or something?!

GroggyLegs · 05/01/2023 07:50

I know he needs time to feel how he feels.

This is not a free pass to be verbally abusive & treat you like shit.
An adult can deal with feelings without deliberately going out to hurt someone they supposedly love.

I'm assuming something like a vaccination happened that he didn't want your child to have?

Crunchingleaf · 05/01/2023 08:50

I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

No OP this isn’t just something you can gloss over. Regardless of what triggered the behaviour this behaviour is not acceptable.
The abusive behaviour serves a function for him. Next time there is a disagreement you will think twice about going against him because you won’t want to go through this again so eventually he will always get his way as you will be worn down from being verbally abused. His little ego is hurt and he is lashing out at you.
Let me be very clear here no matter how reasonable or understanding you are to him it won’t help. He is in full control of his behaviour and he is choosing to hurt you and do it in front of a baby.
In any long term relationship there will always be disagreements and this is perfectly normal, however what isn’t normal is abusive behaviour when someone doesn’t get their own way.
As a child I grew up in an abusive environment my first serious relationship was also abusive. This was because I was normalised to abuse and it’s very common. Please bear this in mind if you think you have to stay for financial reasons. This is not good for your daughter.

ittakes2 · 05/01/2023 08:54

He sounds dreadful and I think you need to move to a safe place. If you as you said 'went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back'...you clearly didn't listen to his point of view so you have lost leverage asking him to listen to your's. Without knowing what you did its hard to say but if your child is only 10 months and you are not working together as a team with parenting I think you would benefit from couples counselling to see if there is a way forward or not.

Wakk · 05/01/2023 09:01

Well that doesnt sound healthy. If it's vaccinations it's too late now and well done for getting them done.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 09:30

Let me be very clear here no matter how reasonable or understanding you are to him it won’t help. He is in full control of his behaviour and he is choosing to hurt you and do it in front of a baby.

OP - @Crunchingleaf sums this up perfectly.
This is why I posted on your other thread to STOP TRYING.

Grey Rock (link on other thread) while you avoid him as much as possible & make that call to Womens Aid.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 09:33

ittakes2 · 05/01/2023 08:54

DO NOT ENTER COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN

He is extremely verbally abusive, possibly also financially.
Professionals strongly recommend that couples do not embark on counselling together when one of them is abusive.

All that happens is that the abuser uses the sessions to manipulate his partner to his advantage. If he can get away with it, or the counsellor is inexperienced, he will manipulate the counsellor too. He will take every vulnerability his partner reveals in the sessions, & use them to control her with.

MMmomDD · 05/01/2023 09:42

It’s unlikely that he has turned from being a nice, loving, supportive partner to this after one disagreement.
This is who he is - and this will continue to be your life. So - unless you want to raise your daughter in a household where she observes her father abusing her mother on a regular basis - you need to get out.

ManyNameChanges · 05/01/2023 10:11

I dint think you can make it do anything. You can’t make him talk to you. You can’t make him behave well.

Atm you are basically doing a pick me up dance hoping he will talk and you can smooth things over. Don’t.
let him be. Don’t chase him. If he wants to talk to you, he will.

What you can do is walk away as soon as he starts talking to you like this. Tell him you will not be talked to in that way and go into a different room. Don’t engage with his rants. It’s only fuelling his idea that you are clearly a bad person.

In the mean time, have a look at your relationship. Do you really want to live with someone who talks to you like this?
Do you want your dd to witness that and learn it’s ok?
Start looking at what sort if financial support you can access. Think about how your life would be on your own and how you could manage. See if you could go away to see your parents/family/friends fur a few days. That will give a bit if thinking space to plan how to move forward.

But my advice would nit be to stay in such a relationship.

ExtraJalapenos · 05/01/2023 12:41

Can you be a little clearer on what exactly happened?

Without the facts, he sounds pretty horrible.

CousinKrispy · 05/01/2023 12:46

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP.

Don't try couples counseling if he is being verbally abusive.

Disagreeing on something important is not an excuse for verbal abuse and insults.

Please contact Women's Aid and talk to them about your situation. Maybe you can't leave right now, but you could get specialist support anyway.

Are you able to access any individual counseling?

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