Really feel like breaking point has been reached in my relationship. We've been together 20 years, since uni, and neither of us has had any previous relationships. We did separate once before and lived apart for a year (2010-2011) but just sort of fell back into our old patterns and ended up moving back in together. If I'm honest I really just wish we had called it quits then, things are so much more complicated now as we have a house together, a 2yo and another on the way. And the worst thing is I knew this would happen, throughout our years together our relationship has never been what I'd call great, there's very little intimacy and lots of resentment. Two very stubborn people who have grown apart.
I just ask myself constantly why I'm still here. My husband has a very short fuse (I guess we both do) and while he's never been remotely violent he does shout and swear a LOT. I'm the one more likely to physically push back but this only happens when he's literally shouting in my face and won't drop it. He is a ranter, I feel like he's melodramatic too. Most days he gets a bee in his bonnet about some trivial thing and can't leave it alone, will then huff and mutter under his breath or louder for the rest of the day. No arguments ever get resolved or talked through, the resentment just gets left as I hate the conflict so I just give him silent treatment while he continues ranting around the house. It's really not healthy I know.
I get told I do nothing all day and I get to have fun while he works and does all the housework... He definitely does his fair share in the evenings but I feel like his job isn't too full on compared to some, he mostly works from home and takes breaks every now and again. The "housework" he refers to is mostly washing up and taking the bins out. He does a big load of washing up every night as I don't get time to keep on top of it during the day, so he feels like he's constantly doing that I guess. But I do all the cooking, laundry and cleaning, putting clean clothes away, tidying toys, cleanup after meals multiple times a day etc. We share the childcare pretty equally when he's not working. I'm the first to admit that in the evenings I tend to just sit and veg out and admittedly there's quite a lot of cleaning I never get round to, and there's always stuff that needs to be tidied (at the moment the house is a disaster after Christmas carnage) and I do put it off but generally I would rather make sure I'm rested up for the next day, especially during pregnancy. I don't see why I shouldn't take time to sit on my bum for a couple of hours after spending all day running around after the toddler, doing laundry, meal prep and cleaning up after meals etc. And taking my son out to keep him entertained despite feeling knackered most of the time. I appreciate that a working day is mentally tiring but at least he gets to sit on his bum at the desk during that time!
I wish I could just take my son and get out, but I don't really have anywhere to go and very little money. I used to earn a fairly good salary for years and I do have a bit of savings from that, but when we moved to our current area to buy our house a few years ago I went self-employed (as there weren't really any jobs in my field nearby) and I was only just starting to make a bit more money from it when I had to stop work to have my son. Since then I haven't properly got back into it. I guess I could have been more proactive in finding ways to earn, upping my marketing efforts etc and put my son in nursery so I could get back to earning, but it hasn't seemed worth the effort as I'd need to earn a hell of a lot more than what I previously did to justify the nursery costs. So I have just been picking up the odd project here and there for the last couple of years, on days when my son is with his grandparents (2 days a week). Mostly I use those days to catch up on life admin if no work comes in. Lately I've had extra medical appointments with my pregnancy so any work has had to be slotted in around those. And now, with my second baby due in March, once again it seems pointless trying to drum up new work when I'll certainly need more time off.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, reassurance I'm not crazy or super lazy perhaps. And bright ideas on how to leave a relationship when I have no proper income and nowhere really to go (my parents would have us but they don't really have space). What do people do for money in this kind of situation? I am inclined to at least wait and stay together until baby is older so I'd be more able to leave her and take on more work.
I keep wondering whether counselling would be better but (a) that costs loads which we can't really afford and (b) I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't be up for it as he thinks everything's just my issue. I also worry that he might turn a bit nasty about coparenting and might try and say I'm an unfit mother and shouldn't have my kids, but not sure how much of this is just my paranoia. Without being in the situation it's hard to know how spiteful he could be, it might be totally fine... Certainly in the past when we've had time apart we've actually got on a lot better (that's why we ended up back together).
Please help a miserable soul who doesn't know what to do 😞 This isn't who I am, everyone knows me as such a happy person but I feel like this relationship has broken me down.