Am I going mad

[SuchaWus]

Hello there, I have name changed. I have been on this site both as a poster and a lurker for years, so am really me and not a troll.

I am here posting after a massive row with my husband. I say it’s a row . It wasn’t .

I think. I know that I am sometimes in an emotionally abusive marriage. It’s not all the time. Perhaps one massive flare up every few months. But then he’s away working abroad a lot so who knows if it would be more than that.

We have two children. I don’t work. I haven’t worked for a couple of years. Predominantly because I have severe and debilitating anxiety. It isn’t him that made me like that, although clearly it doesn’t help.
The anxiety is horrendous. Very bad. To the point where sometimes it really gets so bad I wish I wasn’t here. I am under my Gp and I have regular contact with them.

The children are my protective factors. They need me and I love them with all my heart.

I don’t know what to do. Genuinely. Very few (if any) people know what happens when he gets nasty so I am reluctant to share this. It’s just verbal . Never ever physical.

Not sure where to go with this but writing it down helps.
As I say it’s not often and we do have a loving relationship and he is mostly my best friend. Except best friends don’t flare up and be the way he is to me, albeit not very often.

Can anyone advise me on this please . What would you do?

I feel vulnerable and not very strong mentally so please be gentle with me.

Bump

Do you want to talk more about what’s happened tonight?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero. It might feel impossible, but you don’t have to live like this x

Thank you for replying. Your reply made me cry so I guess I’m feeling pretty vulnerable. I am not sure how or what to share . It’s just a mess. I am a mess.

You sound incredibly vulnerable, Op. It is hard to know what advice to give without knowing what is happening in more detail.

You’re not a mess, this isn’t your fault.

Verbal or emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical. I used to wish my ex would just hit me, so at least I’d have proof and wouldn’t think it was my fault he said such vile things. It’s such a horrible situation to be in and it breaks your soul.

He is not a nice man, or your best friend. Your best friend wouldn’t treat you like this. It’s all part of the cycle to keep you under his control. Someone who is only abusive 5% of the time is still abusive.

Do you have anyone you could talk to in real life? Do you think you could speak to Women’s Aid when he next goes away? They won’t force you to make any decisions, they will listen to you and advise you but it will be at your pace x

op, the only thing that I can say is be kind to yourself. You need to become your best friend first then you will have the strength to set up boundaries and expectations for other people’s behaviour.

Baby steps, all the way, until you are happy with your life. First is trying to find a way to control the anxiety, second, a good while after, is getting a job (any job) that would eventually make you feel more confident in the future and also some independence and options.

Also consider the possibility that your relationship may be the cause behind so much anxiety. Does he do his fair share of parenting, is responsible and respectful?

If he’s emotionally abusive I doubt he’s respectful…

Glad you got it, hope OP also realises too, but when it comes to abusive relationships.. many times people can see the woods for the trees….

Honestly. Your replies mean so much and I am say here with tears streaming down my face. I’m not sure who to talk to in RL.

I did talk about it to people once before, what was happening, years ago, but these people weren’t my friends and it ended up being a worse situation so that has scarred me.

The thing is. I get memory loss. It’s like it hurts so much my mind forgets what he has said to me. Except I know how it makes me feel. And that is what I hold onto. Because despite his gaslighting and his nasty comments that cut to the bone, I know it happened because it’s how they make me feel.

Honestly if it wasn’t for the children I would not be here but they need me and I am their Mum.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have little strength in me yet he turns everything around into me. It’s always my fault . It is an absolute mess. But as I say, it’s not all the time and most of the time he’s lovely.

@GetThatHelmetOn very true, I understand what you meant by asking that now. Apologies!

I wish I could give you a hug OP.

Your children need a happy mum, you deserve to be happy. I really think from what you’ve said the abuse is probably worse than you realise and is having a significant impact on your mental health.

What would you tell your daughter or best friend to do in this situation? Please do that, you are just as worthy as they are x

Memory loss is very common in traumatic situations. It’s the brains way of trying to protect you

Poor you.
I think,if you can stand it, write stuff down after the event. Then you have "proof" when you start feeling like you are forgetting.
Maybe consider counselling to talk about what's happened and give you some support.
You aren't going mad- your subconscious is trying to look after you. Take care

I used to write stuff down a lot. And then he found it and deleted it. It was on my phone as well.
I think it has got better in terms of frequency as it happens a lot less bit them he works abroad. A lot. So naturally it would I guess .

It breaks my heart every time it happens. Because I know sometimes it’s absolutely over nothing. Yet still it’s always my fault. An example tonight.. he knocked over my glass of wine in the dinner table. With his hand. Yet no apology and a barrage of insults and criticism.

It escalated and I said I wished I was dead. He said no one would miss me.
Thank goodness the children were in bed. They are his priority- he adores them.

Stop believing him.

But as I say, it's not all the time and most of the time he's lovely.

The thing is though, it is not lovely most of the time for you, is it? Because you are spending every moment in fear, waiting for the next time he abuses you.

The only acceptable level of abuse is none. None at all.

You don't have to live this way, op, you really don't. With him working away a lot you have the perfect opportunity to seek help from Women's Aid and a solicitor. You can set yourself free from this.

So sorry this is happening to you bless you. Could you get some therapy or confide in family or women's aid. Treading on eggshells is horrible and leaves you questioning your own sanity. You're strong enough be kind to yourself tell im to shove it up his arse if he starts and be strong for your children 🌺hope things work out for you.

I'm in a very similar boat op. I understand how it grinds you down, strips you of your self worth and trust in yourself. How it creates anxiety and panic and destabilises you. It's so hard to extract yourself though. I'm about to start counselling and I'm taking a short term course of anti-anxiety meds to help me over the next few weeks. Is counselling something you would consider? To help you to gather your thoughts and reconnect with yourself?

When things calm down does he apologise and accept he’s in the wrong? If he does is he willing to get help? My ex is generally an ok person, but he’s got a nasty side to his character and this includes being verbally abusive and holding grudges (ie making people pay for something that happened years prior). I’ve told him that he needs to get professional help, because he’s a nice person but this side of him is horrible. When he upset our 18yr old DS this summer I lost it with him over it, he ignored our son all day which upset him greatly, on holiday too. I do hope he will get help. I think people need to recognise when they are abusive and sort it out.

You can’t force someone to get help, and it’s unlikely to work anyway. It would take years and years of intense therapy - would he stick to that?

You deserve better too, don’t ever stick around waiting for him to change or thinking you can fix a man. They won’t and you can’t. Well done for getting away from him.

How are you this morning @SuchaWus x

Op, things do not change suddenly, you need to start with little steps, like trying to change your perception of things and by this I do not mean see yourself as a victim as there is nothing that can disempower you so much, instead you need to see yourself as a survivor.

He travels a lot? Stop seeing his absences as the time you are left alone to cope with the house. His presence is not helping you so see these times away as an opportunity. These are the times to take a break from him, to recharge your batteries away of his expectations and to foster the relationship you want to have with your kids. This is your free time to plan and evolve, use it wisely.

But all great things start with a small step, simple routines that give structure and order to your life, from having a coffee in the garden at dawn everyday (I assure you that if they call this hour magical it is for a very very good reason) to ensuring your kids go to bed in time.

It took me three years to prepare to leave my marriage, but it can take you as much to save it if that is what you ultimately decide, but either way you need to build your future a little step at a time.

He certainly does not adore his children. He wouldn't be treating their mother and primary care giver like that if he did, OP.

I just wanted to suggest two things.

Individual therapy for you to have some support in real life.

Secondly I would recommend neuro-feedback. I used to have crippling anxiety and it made such a difference to my daily life.

It is expensive but absolutely worth it

I like the concept of the tea and abuse. If there is poo in the tea the tea is ruined. It doesn't matter if the poo is only a little bit or only happens once in a while.

Wishing you every support and kindness for yourself

How are you today OP? Lots of good advice above about valuing yourself and your children.
I was in a similar, controlling relationship for 13 years. He could be lovely and charming, we spent some great times together but in between I went through some of the worst times of my life where he blanked me for days and everything was my fault. I never knew when he would go off on one again so eventually I left (no joint children to consider). It is much better to be alone than living at the whim of a controlling partner.
You're better than that.