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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is going on?

25 replies

goosebuster · 04/01/2023 11:00

Just trying to make sense of what's going on with my relationship at the moment and looking for some advice despite nobody can tell me what is going on.

We've been together 3 years and my partner has recently told me he doesn't know how he loves me.

He is keen to see where things go and try to make it work but I don't know what that really means or where we are going.

We spoke a little last night about how he may be a little depressed as he isn't enjoying anything at the moment following a spell of high pressure at work. I said I wouldn't walk away unless he wanted me to but he immediately pulled me closer and said he doesn't want that. He says I deserve better as well, which is a very unusual thing for him to say as he has a quiet confidence usually.

I am hugely confused and wondering if anyone has been through the same.

OP posts:

Slimjimtobe · 04/01/2023 11:02

I wonder that the phrase he doesn’t know how he loves me means ? Is it that he isn’t sure I’m what way he does ? Future wise ?

three years is a long time to be together to not know

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 04/01/2023 11:04

3 years is a long time to be with someone and not know if they love you back.

Is he always like this? I wouldn't want to stay in a long term relationship if my partner said this to me.

Menopants · 04/01/2023 11:04

Possibly had his head turned by someone else and he is keeping his options open. Especially if this has come out of the blue

FleasNavidad · 04/01/2023 11:07

I'm so confused
I'm a bit depressed
I've been stressed
You deserve better
I want to shag you as well as her, don't go

Fucking hell, he's original isn't he 🙄

Menopants · 04/01/2023 11:09

Sorry @goosebuster but having been through this and having read a million man threads that start like this I am v jaded with men. I hope I’m wrong.

Original poster

goosebuster · 04/01/2023 11:19

Before he has been so confident of his feelings so I am indeed wondering if his head has been turned, definitely not something that has been going on for 3 years.

OP posts:

Menopants · 04/01/2023 11:20

Are you living together?

Original poster

goosebuster · 04/01/2023 11:22

Not living together as we both own our houses. His is a work in progress and getting him down as well to add to the situation.

OP posts:

iswintercoming · 04/01/2023 11:23

Unfortunately, unless he is seriously depressed, it sounds like he’s gearing up the start of ‘The Script’.

Menopants · 04/01/2023 11:25

Not living rptogether is good. I had 12 months of this bollocks before the penny dropped. You could try counselling together but in the mean time I would mentally separate. Start living your life for you. You can’t fix him just concentrate on yourself. Good luck.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2023 11:28

told me he doesn't know how he loves me.
Huh? That reads as though he finds you difficult to love, eg you get angry easily, no sex drive, you nag....

He is keen to see where things go and try to make it work
After three years you should know where its going. It either works, or it doesn't. No middle ground.

He says I deserve better as well
I am so sorry, but he's trying to tell you that you are not the one. He likes you, he might even love you but as a friend not a life partner. He doesn't really see marriage or children or a house with a picket fence.

Original poster

goosebuster · 04/01/2023 11:39

@pixiedust1234 he doesn't know how he loves me, as in what capacity not that I am hard to love.

Thanks all for your perspectives, probably not what I want to hear but probably what I need to hear.

I struggle a lot with anxiety so it is hard for me.

OP posts:

Menopants · 04/01/2023 11:43

You might find your anxiety lessens if you concentrate on yourself. My ‘anxiety’ miraculously lessened once I realised what my husband was up to. Have a really long hard look at your relationship. He isn’t the only one with the power to decide where you are going

FleasNavidad · 04/01/2023 11:47

Here we go, the next bit is I love you like a friend, we've drifted apart, we've taken each other for granted.

Then he'll start with the little bits of blaming you. Don't stick around to hear his bullshit. You can do better

Aikko · 04/01/2023 11:59

There is another woman.

xfan · 04/01/2023 12:17

People can and do change their minds. This idea that you "should" know after X years is not applicable to everyone.

Duckingella · 04/01/2023 12:50

3 years together and he doesn't know how he feels about you?;your relationship hasn't really progressed in those three years either.

I suspect that sadly he's been keeping his options open;he's met someone else and is gearing up to end things.

Bookworm20 · 04/01/2023 13:07

Unfortunately it does sound like his head has been turned and he is in conflict of what to do. These stand out:

He doesn't know how he loves me.
= He loves you, but is not in love with you. (he has started the script)

He is keen to see where things go and try to make it work
= He doesn't want to leave you just yet. But also not see where the thing with the OW might lead.

I said I wouldn't walk away unless he wanted me to but he immediately pulled me closer and said he doesn't want that.
= see above

He says I deserve better as well, which is a very unusual thing for him to say
= He knows he has done something that will hurt you. And he doesn't actually want to hurt you.

He quite possibly isn't depressed, he is more likely conflicted. And high pressure at work. Sorry, that could be where the OW issue is.

I hope thats not the case, but at the very minimum, after 3 years, he should know what he wants. And if he isn't sure its you, then its not you.

Unforgettablehamster · 04/01/2023 14:06

Ugh, another man who is lost/doesn’t know what he wants, etc, etc. MN has really opened my eyes how to not tolerate bs in relationships.
OP - say that you acknowledge where he is with his emotions, you want the best for you both and give him all the space he needs to work things out, with a clear timeline for the final decision that works for YOU. In the meantime, stay graceful, empathetic but focus on YOURSELF, do things that make you happy and fulfilled. He either fixes his problems or is gone asap to avoid wasting your time.

DinosWillGetYou · 04/01/2023 14:09

I’d put my money on there being someone else, I’m sorry OP.

Remona · 04/01/2023 14:17

Sorry, OP, but I too think there's either someone else or he's got his eye on someone else.

He says I deserve better. I'm surprised he didn't go the whole hog and say the old chestnut "It's not you, it's me." It's the first step in letting you down. If he doesn't know you're the one for him after three years, he never will.

Original poster

goosebuster · 04/01/2023 16:43

Again, thanks everyone.

I actually wondered if he was having some sort of mid life crisis in that he is down about everything and totally overwhelmed by a few different things but now seeing that may not be the case.

I thought this was it, that we'd be together forever but at least we are not on too deep with children etc.

OP posts:

FleasNavidad · 04/01/2023 17:48

Women always excuse them with mid-life crisis and depression excuses. It's usually much simpler than that. Sex.

Don't let him take you for a mug.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2023 17:51

Run a mile. He's playing you for a fool.

CalistoNoSolo · 04/01/2023 20:57

I'd be walking away from this one. He's playing you for whatever reason (probably the usual) and doesn't love you at all. Be proactive, call time on it and move on with your life.

Flip