Mother in law relationship

[strawberrysummer23]

Please help

So my mil has turned strange since the birth of our baby who's now 5 months

She's gone from being obsessed with baby, turning up unannounced, almost demanding to see baby whenever she pleased,acting like a guest outstaying her welcome on many occasions. All she wanted to do was cuddle baby and when I was so Ill recovering and husband was knackered looking after me.

We had to say had had to limit her visits and text ahead. She went mad, cried, sobbed and begged us. Saying she was lonely and had to go on antidepressants and isn't sleeping. Was quite concerning. She also brings drama to the house so visits are stressful

We then told her we were having a xmas at home with the kids but would visit Boxing Day and stay over - this wasn't good enough and his mum and his sister cried, sent texts saying we were selfish bombarding us with long messaged saying they don't understand

It's been such strange behaviour so we've had to limit the contact and step back as we are finding life with a new born hard

They've completely ignored my other child and only make me reference to the baby which has upset my husband just as much - he treats my first as his own. And they used to.....

Now she is calling my husbands brother crying and he's messaging to say so saying she misses the baby

My husband is saying he wants to cut all contact as he's had enough!

He says it's brings back childhood trauma and the fact she wraps her other daughter in cotton wool and favours them over him - she's done it since he was a child and he says he doenst want her around the baby when she's like this

What's my part in all this? I want to support him and I agree her behaviour is not good but how do we move forward ?

We've tried talking, texting, face to face and nothing works
She has emotionally abused and made us feel guilty by being manipulative- I never thought she would be this way

Thanks for reading and appreciate any advice

X

That sounds like a horridly stressful situation - I think the key person here is your DH. If there's a history of favoritism and unfair treatment, he's entirely in his rights to cut contact and your role is to support him in that, and also make sure you don't inadvertently become a go-between if you feel awkward when family members try to contact you.

I'm sure there's people here with direct experience who will be along with better advice.

Move away. Make it harder for her to get there. There’s a whole other hemisphere you know.

What Echobelly wrote here; support your H and present a united front. Reading Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward could help you as well.

I think she was likely also odd beforehand towards her son and you but you did not readily recognise her behaviour for what it really was. Not your fault at all; you've come from an emotionally healthy family unit where this sort of family dysfunction is unknown but your DH has not. People like his mother and sister too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Support your DH in maintaining a no contact position. He has known them after all far longer than you have and you were deliberately given a false impression of his mother and SIL being "nice" to you.

i would tell the woman via message that she favoured his sibling over him and that she is also trying to create the same dynamic between your children. Tell her you will not allow that scenario to unfold in your home, under your roof with your kids.

I guess this situation may have been very triggering for your husband.

if you want to continue a relationship I would suggest coffee once a week in a local cafe. Then you simply leave when you’ve had enough

It will do you no favours at all to continue any sort of relationship with his side of the family. If such a relative is too difficult/toxic/abusive/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and present day she's already ignored your eldest child at the expense of your newborn.

@Echobelly yes definitely I have been since Xmas, not so much before but I was trying to fix the gap but I'm so done with that, she's ignoring me now aswell so that's a good thing I guess.

@Fraaahnces absolutely not ! I love the town I live in ( she is 5min drive in another town ) little one has just moved to the local secondary school and is thriving and we are in the catchment of a beautiful village primary. What strange advice to up sticks and move house over this

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes I agree with you there - I'm Actually starting to see it when I look back

@Quitelikeit wow thank you! That's EXACTLY what has happened
I'm so upset by this and hate seeing hubby upset ( doenst really show his emotions but I can see it) and you're so right
I already have tried to talk and reach out
I've gone there and literally spelt it out
Not so much of leaving my daughter out but all the other issues and she just refused to see it
She sees no fault in her actions at all just cries and sobs - it's very toxic

So I feel I do just need to carry on doing what we are doing

Just needed reassurance this is the way forward

How sad cutting people out your life
Especially when it's a mum
I just could never imagine doing it
But then my mum isn't behaving in this way

Thanks all x

@AttilaTheMeerkat yep I totally agree with you there - so for this part my husband is spot on

I just know he is also hurting and don't want him making the wrong decision and making anything un doable x

They've caused this to happen.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend and his mother and sister are no different. There is no fixing this though, this is who they really are and I daresay they have not changed in all the years since your H's childhood. It is not your fault they are like this and neither you or your DH have made them this way.

Would you H at all consider seeing a therapist about his family or at least read books about familial dysfunction?. This sort of issue eats people up and he is likely mired in FOG re them (fear, obligation and guilt).

Your husband is not the biological father of your first child.
Therefore your MIL sees the baby as her grand child.
There is a difference in her eyes between a biological and non biological grandchild which I can understand.

I can deal with being the scapegoat in our family dynamic but when it became apparent that my DS was also becoming scapegoated in favour of his GC cousins, I spoke to DH and we agreed to pull back to a level of communication that would protect our DS from that. And I've no regrets.

Please follow the lead of your husband on this, don't let your children be treated unequally by anyone!

we've had to limit the contact and step back

This sounds like a difficult situation certainly, but what is often missing is the willingness for the partner with the difficult relatives to accept what is going on and set boundaries.

It's excellent that your DH has been able to do this, and put you and your children first, and protect your family unit.

Your role is to set your own boundaries, and support him in upholding his, and hopefully over time if you are consistent with your message they will understand that there is a line and crossing it will not work for them or get them the outcome they want.

@ZekeZeke I understand that but the fact she now only is interested in the baby makes us feel like we need to make a stand. Just because she not the bio grandmother she was very close to my daughter who was only 2.5 when we met and she absolutely worshipped her - don't get me wrong she's been ok but just so wrapped up in the baby that it's not ok!

Thanks all just reiterates what my gut feeling was

I feel so sorry for my hubby having to deal with this and not having any support when this should be such a happy time for all

Oh trust me I will do anything to protect my family ! Thanks everyone I feel better about what is a very sad situation

My MiL went like this the moment I gave birth. No logic or reasoning to it - just a lot of tears and calling up family members if we tried to put boundaries in place. Quite shocking to see how little she cared for her own son too.

The most important person here is the baby. Not her. Stay firm with your boundaries or she will be forever eroding them. Support your DH as he does seem to recognise her behaviour is wrong (some don't!) And whatever you do, don't feel guilty. You've got enough to deal with.

@Pandapop3 I've seen a few posts that mil do this, and yes I'm lucky my DH is supportive. Yes I will do. I'm sorry you've gone through this too. Definitely standing my ground

Thanks everyone it's nice to know we are doing the right thing x

My parents, my mother in particular turned really odd after our first child was born, our son.

Looking back now, the signs were all there. Strange person who was always falling out with family members, could not maintain friendships, had to please her and keep her sweet all my life but it was never enough. On the morning of my wedding it was ”a daughter’s a daughter all her life, a son’s a son till he takes a wife”.

i remember her reaction when we told her we were going to be parents - it was odd.

after the baby was born and we were trying to adjust she was a massive pain in the arse. Actively found reasons to be put out. Would say she hadn’t seen our son often enough, then when we arranged to see her they wouldn’t be in. Our name was mud with the wider family.

behaviour got worse and worse and even made scenes at wider family events.

the expectation after the last one was that I would come begging at her feet for forgiveness. I never did.

met up a few times to try to amicably resolve it and I was screamed at and abused “I am your mother!!!”, “You would be nothing without me!!!!” Etc.

after the last time I have avoided all contact, including stalking contact.

it ruined my nerves at a time when I should have been whole for my young family but eventually I got sick of feeling like shit and got some counselling.

it’s been going on about 9 years now and I have made peace with the fact that it will never be resolved and I enjoy being free.

@Westernesse thank you for sharing your story.
I'm sorry you've gone through that.
But from on here appears more common than I thought.
It's bloody sad but I refuse to let her ruin this happy time for us. Which I feel she has done.
If she won't ever see her actions or accept responsibility then I'm at peace if it means the relationship won't continue and I think my husband feels the same in that respect
At least we are on the same page
X

@Westernesse I am living this exact awful situation. I have posted part of my story today hoping to gain advise from others. It is just so draining :(

I’m writing this as I’m at my wits end with my mother in law. Since I got pregnant with my first born (now three) she has been so overbearing and horrible to me. It started when he was born saying mean things such as the pram I bought was ugly, my house wasn’t good enough for a baby, I never spend money, I don’t look after him well enough etc. She made me feel so worthless as a mum and nothing I ever did was good enough in her eyes. I got pregnant pretty quickly afterwards and she was raging - said me and her son would separate and always fight due to the stress of it all - we didn’t in fact the complete opposite we couldn’t be happier. Only thing is I went to send her a picture on my partners phone to her he has taken that morning of the babies - she was calling me names behind my back like lazy c, horrible b**, said I can’t look after my babies (I look after them 4 days a week and work 3) They have never slept over anywhere else but with me. She was making fun of me loads, saying I was an embarrassment etc and just really degrading things to my partner. He was defending me and said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. She texted me “apologising” but said I shouldn’t have went through her sons phone and that they were private messages and that’s “just her” I am completely devastated as I’ve never done anything to hurt this woman. All her family I spoke to about it said that’s just her and nothing I ever do will be good enough for her - including her own husband. I can’t stop letting it get between me and my partner though I resent him for what his mum has been saying about me (the horrible messages went on for years) He wants us to spend Boxing Day with her but I can’t bring myself to go and I know it’ll create further drama if I don’t. Can someone please give me advice it’s really getting me down :(

I'd advise you to be very firm about Boxing Day. You will not be going. And you expect your DH to stay with you and the DC. In future years you might agree that he can take the kids over for a couple,e of hours. But you'd expect him to leave the second she starts bad mouthing you.

Going forward, I'd not stand in his way of visiting his parents, and taking the DC if they are old enough to be away from you for an hour or 2. But I wouldn't be setting foot inside her home. Ever.

This may be 'just the way she is'. That doesn't mean you have to accept her by bullying you.

Thank you so much for replying. I’m completely heartbroken and trying to deal with caring with my 7 month old and 20 month old and I actually feel like I’m going crazy over the abuse.

Seriously, your dp is the important one here. If he wants to go no contact, you need to go along with him. Sounds like he has very good reasons to do so. Support him, keep the crazy out of your life!

And a huge lack of empathy. Adults are supposed to be the mature ones in this world and not just roughshod over children, because of FEELINGS