It's my birthday today. I find today of all days of the year the hardest to get through.
I've always known that my mum went out into the fields, lay down in the snow and wanted to die the night I was born. She told me this to explain her depression many years ago. I didn't know why but presumed that she didn't want another child at the age of 40- my brother and sister are much older than me.
A few years ago after mum and dad had died we, as a family did DNA tests as part of a family tree my sister was working on. What came back was totally unexpected. I am only their half sister and am not related to my Dads side of the family at all.
Putting the pieces together, my brother remembering being taken to meet my mums "friend" being given gifts and then a huge row at home- where my Dad threw the presents into the fire- we realise that Mum probably had an affair and I was the result.
It seems I'm of Irish descent and we have traced my cousin who was adopted from a young Irish girl at about the same time. He has no more information so it's a bit of a dead end, but that's not the point here- I'm not looking to trace anyone really.
My birthday just seems to bring a big dark cloud that starts early December. I feel dread, loss, frustration and hurt. I know I'm not the best person to be around at this time of year. I don't want to celebrate and just count the hours until it's over. It's my daughters birthday tomorrow and it's always such a relief to have got through another year and put all my emotions back in their box for a while.
I had counselling many years ago because of the destructive relationship with my mum but didn't know the reasons behind it at that time.
This year feels worse than ever. I've had a tough 3 years due to my ex husband having an affair and leaving me after 26 years of marriage. The marriage ended really suddenly and it was very traumatic. Thankfully I've got through the horror of that and met a lovely, kind man. However I started an argument with him last night because Im hurting and feel like I want to lash out.
This is no good, I know, I think I may have PTSD. I don't know what Im asking here really but I felt the need to write all this down. I feel very alone with this, people are kind and always willing to listen but I don't think anyone understands how I really feel.