Grey rock

[SpinningFloppa]

How do you grey rock an ex that is trying to be friends? I get he is maybe just trying to be nice but too much has happened between us and I don’t trust him, I also don’t want to be friends with him and can just manage civil but I feel he is trying to be friends. Examples is he bought me a book for Xmas? Not “from the kids” either, he made a comment about spending New Year’s Eve together, asks me what I’m doing/what I’m up to/ how I am/ what I’m doing on certain days (not asking how the kids are) I need to shut his attempts of friendships down but I’m finding it hard, I try to give one word answers but he will probe further, should I be making an attempt to be friends even if I don’t want to?

No never do anything you don’t want to do I broke up with my abusive ex and i grey rock the fuck out of him

Grey rock is NOT giving one word answers. It is not giving any answer at all. Don't acknowledge that you have seen or read or heard or understood.

Google grey rock

The difficulty is that you are still in a 'relationship' - he wants to be friends, you want to be civil...

Stop trying to be nice, stop trying to define your life by how civil your relationship is with him, or how well everything ended.

Grey rock is no response, no contact, no emotional interaction.

from what I googled it was about being boring? Like a rock 🤷‍♀️ for example he said how are you, I responded with a thumbs up, he said what did you do new years, couldn’t respond with another thumbs up?! I thought thumbs up would shut down the conversation. I didn’t respond but don’t want to come across as hostile but also don’t want to be friends.

I can’t cut contact we share children maybe I misunderstood grey rock I thought it was more about being boring rather than ignoring someone?

Yes what you said is right maybe when he asked about new year answer with not much but he sounds like he is keeping it going and not getting the hint

Yes that's my understand of grey rock. Just giving basic, uninteresting answers.

My ex is the same we share a daughter and when I do this sadly things get nasty on his side

I would (and do) avoid actual conversations as much as possible. Rely on messaging - far easier to grey rock someone with a 'k' or thumbs up if you have to reply at all.

Let all phone calls ring out, and respond later (again, only if you have to i.e. related to kids) with a message instead.

If you have to meet in person, be in a rush/on the phone, sorry, can't stop to talk.

Grey rock, in my understanding, is ignoring any conversation that isn't directly to do with children or finances. It's shutting all other attempts down.

It's impossible if you have children to shut down all conversation. It sounds as though you handled the first attempt well. He will keep trying again, just ignore, or yes/no answer and then ignore.

Good luck.

And I think with not responding to the NYE question at all, you are on the right track. You can always feign busyness/forgot if he has a pop at you later, but if you keep being really hard work he will eventually get sick of it.

Grey rock is being factual and dull. Communicating only when you have to about your child.
Basically, feeding no drama so an abusive ex doesn't get their narcissistic 'supply' of kicks and reactions and get bored and move on.

The mistake you are making is responding to everything.

You do not have to reply. You don't have to totally ignore him. A thumbs up and nothing else is fine. Throw enough in to acknowledge him but not enough that it is a conversation.

One more thought - being sooooooo busy all the time, OMG I am just so flat out, gotta run, missed your call, blah blah, absolutely infuriates narc exes who are expecting you to be sitting around eating Ben and Jerry's, pining for them and waiting for their next call. They HATE that you are really getting into life and enjoying yourself without them.

Ah thank you seems I’m doing it right then! I get asked what I’m doing on my birthday that kind of thing, which I don’t really consider it to be his business so ignoring is the best for those kind of questions

I would only ever respond to questions directly about the kids (or relevant finance/maintenance issues). If he asks you what you did at New Year’s, I’d just answer by saying what the children did. Or if he asks what you’re doing at the weekend, just say the children are going to ballet/football or whatever they do. I literally wouldn’t answer at all if it’s a question you can’t respond to by turning it into something specifically about the children. You need to get the message across that’s all you are interested in talking to him about, ever. Even one word answers or thumbs up are engaging with him, unless it’s in reply to what time he’s picking the children up or similar.

I had this with my kids dad after I left him. I told him I didn’t want to be friends, just civil for the kids sake and I’ll respond if it’s about the kids, but nothing else. I ignored the other stuff. He hated it, he would still message, for years after we broke up.. but he did finally get the message when I met someone new!

Grey rock:
Be brief
Be factual but impersonal
Say: yes, no, don't know
Avoid responding with emotions
Be as boring, uninteresting and non-responsive as possible
Don't give them details about your life
Don't feed into their drama
Keep busy during interactions
Nod or shrug

I would do what Biscuits says, but I’d go further and say you’re going to limit communication to information about the children and he is not to message you unless it relates to the children.

Examples is he bought me a book for Xmas? Not “from the kids” either, he made a comment about spending New Year’s Eve together, asks me what I’m doing/what I’m up to/ how I am/ what I’m doing on certain days (not asking how the kids are)

You are doing it right.
What are you doing for new year? - not sure yet
What are you up to? - not decided yet
How are you? - good, thanks (don't ask him back, that one is hard to stop!!)
What are you doing on whatever day? - not sure yet/haven't decided

Regarding the present - Thanks for the book
Did you like it? - not read it yet/not had time

Its all about answering civilly but without giving any information away. If it gets too much say you need to get on/leave...things to do! Busy, busy!