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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why will my husband not admit are relationship is over?

19 replies

MLB33 · 03/01/2023 20:26

We have been together 16years ,married for 11years and have 2children. The last few years have been horrible, I hate being in his company. He is always shouting at me and the children, usually that we are to noisy and he is trying to watch tv. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home,I try to keep the peace so he won’t shout. He works 6 days a week so refuses to do any housework as he says he shouldn’t have to(I also work 4 days a week). He has recently started to complain about his much money we spend on things mainly the kids, even though he spends whatever he wants on his hobbies. Our oldest daughter is on the autism spectrum and fights me every morning to not go to school, he has not been to any of her meetings, I have to take time off every time. I ask him to and he says there is no point both of us having the day off. Recently he has started complaining if I cook tea to late or to early, why not just be grateful. Every time I tell him I don’t love him and want to separate he blames me and says it’s my fault and he’s not going anywhere. He also acts the quiet, kind helpful person to everyone else outside of our house. I feel like I’m trapped in a never ending cycle that I can not get out of !

OP posts:
YoSofi · 03/01/2023 20:28

You don’t need his permission.

What is the housing situation? You can start divorce proceedings and force a sale if you need to.

Lsquiggles · 03/01/2023 20:31

If you split up and lived separately, he'd have to do all the things he refuses to do now - cook, clean, look after the kids etc

ShakespearesBlister · 03/01/2023 20:37

He won't admit it's over because you won't show him. You don't need permission to end it.

nancydroo · 03/01/2023 20:43

The law has changed you don't need his permission to get a divorce. Seek legal advice

Cherrysoup · 03/01/2023 20:51

Tell him it’s over, he sounds abusive.

Bibity · 03/01/2023 21:16

I was in the same situation in October (well months before that). It was so clearly not working, we had many conversations. However he wouldn't act on it and kept brushing everything under the carpet. Basically I was hoping he'd say right it's over but really what had to happen was I had to say it. Are you hoping he will say it or act on what you've told him? He won't, he won't believe you until you actually do it. You will have to tell him and put those words into action.

DivorcingEU · 03/01/2023 21:31

I've been in this situation for 6 years.

My STBX (hopefully) is also kind and helpful to everyone outside the house.

Why won't he leave? Because he needs me for childcare (he's said that) and it's comfortable to have a wife doing everything for you. Who wouldn't like to have live in nanny and housekeeper, laundry maid, cook and cleaner rolled into one who you don't even need to tell what to do, they just get in with it! He also wants to keep his image to the outside world of Mr Kind, Helpful Family Man.

My advice is to not do what I did and take ages before I understood all this. Accept that the Why isn't important and bite the bullet and go to a lawyer. Just do it. Do not faff around with mediation as he's manipulative and all that will happen is he charms the mediator with his image. The psychological fallout from that cost me a year of my life - I wish I was joking. The mediator ended up basically being involved in his abuse of me.

Don't talk to him about it. Just use 100% of your energy to get legal advice and start the paperwork. I don't know the exact process, but just get it started.

Why he's doing this is ultimately because he considers you lesser than him so thinks he can. You're not going to change that, so don't even bother engaging. Just get on with the divorce.

And the divorce is going to be tricky at times. I can absolutely guarantee you, however, that it's better than tiptoeing around him, waiting for him to move out, or engage properly while you're manipulated into giving away the best years of your life to someone who values you less than he would an actual nanny of cleaner (because he'd put on his good face for her!!). Never forget that life without him is worth the pain and struggle involved in divorce.

What sh*threads men like this are.

Original poster
MLB33 · 03/01/2023 21:42

Thanks for the replies. It has made me realise I don’t need his permission to leave and should tell him. I don’t know why I have let him make me feel this unhappy and why haven’t I just walked already. I feel physically and emotionally drained and like I just don’t have the energy!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/01/2023 21:47

Take half of any savings, and apply to divorce on line. Then get a solicitor for the financials.
Don’t ask, tell.

Bibity · 03/01/2023 21:51

Because it's hard. You've spent a lot of your life together. I fantasised all the time about being single but the reality of making it actually happen was really hard. Maybe a different situation but I didn't hate him, I just didn't think we worked and I wanted to be happier. But it was hard shattering his world.

DivorcingEU · 03/01/2023 21:57

MLB33 · 03/01/2023 21:42

Thanks for the replies. It has made me realise I don’t need his permission to leave and should tell him. I don’t know why I have let him make me feel this unhappy and why haven’t I just walked already. I feel physically and emotionally drained and like I just don’t have the energy!

Don't tell him. You already have and he's ignored you. That's his problem.

Don't give him any advance warning. Keep the upper hand from now on. I'm betting you're not used to having it so it will feel strange. But it shouldn't take too long to realise that it's quite a nice feeling. 😉

Find out what you need to do to secure your situation as much as possible. Do it. Then move with the divorce. Don't tell him anything else until he gets the papers.

Not only do you not need to ask for his permission, you don't need to tell him or update him about what you're doing!

Watchkeys · 04/01/2023 10:07

I don’t know why I have let him make me feel this unhappy

Because you haven't prioritised your own happiness.

Now's the time.

Original poster
MLB33 · 05/11/2024 19:22

Update: I found the courage to stand up and say this is done. This was after finding messages from other women. I have met the most amazing man who treats me like a queen , and we are currently in the process of moving in together. Never thought I would ever do this , but so glad I did life is so much better now.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/11/2024 19:24

Well done for getting out and I'm glad you have a happy life now.

Clariana · 05/11/2024 19:29

Well done OP!

An you have learnt the hard way to stand up for yourself, so it will never happen to you again.

MoveToParis · 05/11/2024 19:33

Bibity · 03/01/2023 21:16

I was in the same situation in October (well months before that). It was so clearly not working, we had many conversations. However he wouldn't act on it and kept brushing everything under the carpet. Basically I was hoping he'd say right it's over but really what had to happen was I had to say it. Are you hoping he will say it or act on what you've told him? He won't, he won't believe you until you actually do it. You will have to tell him and put those words into action.

This, why on earth would he agree it’s over when you still cook and clean, and he has you and the kids as his emotional punch bags.

You are going to have to drive this, I’m afraid, voice of experience.

MoveToParis · 05/11/2024 19:34

OMG what a brilliant update! Which I completely missedx

So happy for you OP.

Terrribletwos · 05/11/2024 19:40

MLB33 · 05/11/2024 19:22

Update: I found the courage to stand up and say this is done. This was after finding messages from other women. I have met the most amazing man who treats me like a queen , and we are currently in the process of moving in together. Never thought I would ever do this , but so glad I did life is so much better now.

Don't move in together. This is too soon for your kids.

PinkLady1979 · 05/11/2024 20:46

This is such a great update. Very pleased for you OP.

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