Splitting finances - in marriage

[Newbie321ace]

AIBU? My husband often alludes to the fact that he put more capital into our house when we bought it around 10 years ago. We split the mortgage, bills and other joint costs every month such as groceries 50:50 and have done since we moved in - although in the last few years we've amended this slightly to account for me working a slightly reduced week due to childcare. I still contribute to a substantial amount of the mortgage, bills and other joint costs every month (most other joint costs like costs for our children we split equally). But if he's in mood or if we have an argument he seems to easily come back to this, or refer to that fact that he put more in. We're married and I would have thought this is acceptable, that one person might put more into the original house deposit than the other. By alluding to it in this way he makes me feel like I'm a bad person, or that I'm some sort of gold digger (I'm most certainly not and earn a comfortable salary myself) - it's not a great feeling. AIBU to feel like this?

He's being an arse. You carried and gave birth to his children, sacrificed your pelvic floor in the process, and reduced your career opportunities to care for them (I'm guessing). Worth far more than his bloody cash.

YANBU lots of couples have one person who put in more towards their home or mortgage deposit. In our case I put in more. I can’t remember ever raising it in general conversation and I’ve never mentioned it in the context of an argument- it wouldn’t even occur to me to. As long as you’re both contributing fairly what you can that’s what matters in a partnership.

Sorry to hear your husband is being an arse xx

DH and I have a joint bank account for everything. Both wages and all bills go out of the same account. This is so there is no secrets and it's all there for both to see. I recently had 18 months off work raising out DD. I get everyone is different but the biggest problem is marriages is money I find so having a joint bank account illuminates that.

If he didn't protect it at the time with a deed of trust then it doean't matter anymore as house is likely to be owned as joint tennats 50/50

You are a partnership. He is being unreasonable.

I think holding onto separate main accounts and contributing a percentage each is only sustainable when you earn the same. Much better to set up a joint account, pay both salaries into it (or one salary if one of you is a SAHP) and have an equal amount of spending money transferred to your personal accounts.

If you don’t have equal access to money you don’t have an equal relationship.

I would also tell him in no uncertain terms that marriage is a partnership, you both contribute in different ways, and you never want to hear that from him again. Though sorting out equal access to money is actually more important.

Well I would do a spread sheet and some percentage calculations about what goes where and hand it too him in a plate!

i would include all savings/childcare and house work chores you do!! All in and show him.

As pointed out, if the property is in England and it's a joint tenancy then the split is 50:50. But that's just a legality.

Relationship-wise, as a man who earns much more than his wife, I think he's being a total arse.

He has contributed more, so f* what? I could maybe understand when the partner who earns more feels exploited if the other fritters money away on frivolous stuff, but this doesn't seem to be the case here based on what you described.

It feels to me like a rather childish, petty way to regain control of the situation when he feels under pressure. Oh, s*, we're fighting, maybe I'm even wrong, quick, let me come up with something that's irrelevant but will make her feel bad and guilty...

I must have contributed some 80% of deposit + refurbishment costs and never once has it occurred to me to bring that up, not even in the most furious fights.
Our arrangement is that our salaries get paid into our respective (sole-name, not joint) bank accounts, and every month we both contribute into a joint account. Mortgage, bills, nursery fees, etc - all the family expenses come out of the joint account.
The amounts we put in are different for me and her - basically we each put an amount which reflects that I earn more (so I contribute more, obviously) and which leaves each of us a decent amount for discretionary spending / saving from our sole-name accounts.

We have other issues ( www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4709088-how-to-cope-with-an-almost-sexless-marriage-can-counselling-really-help?page=1 ) but we have NEVER had the slightest disagreement when it comes to money. We have never asked nor commented anything on how the other spends their money.

Ask him if he wants a divorce as that's the only time it should have any relevance. If you're married, then you're a partnership and everything is shared equally, surely?