Probably alcoholic parent, should I say something?

[Latenightreader]

My father is in his 70s. He and my mother separated when I was three, but I saw him regularly. I’m now in my 40s. We have moved from times when I was the one always making contact, to him getting cross that I am not in touch more regularly (we speak every couple of weeks, I see him about once a month, sometimes more often).

In the last few years I have been concerned that he is losing his memory. I work Sunday to Thursday (have done for 18 months) but he will phone regularly on a Sunday and act completely surprised that I’m not in - sometimes it is as if he doesn’t believe that I am at work. He is particularly awkward to deal with in the evenings, and a couple of times I thought he had been drinking.

I have had a lot of problems with my house (200 miles from where I’m working, can’t sell and move until the work is complete), and he has often complained that I hadn’t updated him. He has stressed many times that he wants to help. When the builders were in during November I asked him if he would mind staying in the house as I couldn’t get the time off work to go up myself. He was happy to do this, but afterwards complained that he wasn’t sure why he was there, and failed to tell me about a broken light fitting or to spot another problem which could have been prevented.

I was home over Christmas and when emptying the recycling I discovered a number of empty bottles in the bin. He stayed for five nights and there were five wine bottles and a whisky bottle. He could have brought the whisky and maybe a wine bottle with him part full, but I know for certain that they were him and not me. I had left a bottle of wine and a can of beer for him, and mentioned that I had gin and tonic in the cupboard, and I know he drank the beer and had at least one G&T.

I wouldn’t say I am prudish when it comes to alcohol, but a bottle of wine every day for five days (plus other drinks too) seems to suggest a problem.

Am I over reacting? Should I say something? Is there a tactful way to bring this up without it sounding as if I went through the bin to spy on him? I don’t have siblings and don’t know his friends particularly well so can’t think of anyone obvious to discuss this with.

I don't think you're overreacting. It does sound like a lot. But I dont thi k there's anything you can say about it. It's his choice. I guess you could say something along the lines of, I noticed you were drinking a lot when you were here. Is that usual for you? Is it something you'd like to talk about? But if he tells you to fuck off then you just have to let it go.

He probably does to be honest.

what do you plan to say?

I really don't know. He has form for getting angry/frustrated/defensive (although never threatening) and can be tricky to deal with. At the moment I'm toying with coming straight out and asking him if he thinks he might have a problem with alcohol, but I am sure that there is a better way.

Does anyone else actually bother with him or are you the last one left here who does?. I think he still sees you as a small child to be bossed about. I would also think he has not changed in that he is still not much, if at all, a father to you.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. I would not do this at all and besides he will deny everything. Al-anon are worth contacting here as they are helpful to family members or people affected by another's drinking.

Talking to a heavy drinker about drinking is usually catastrophic and a complete waste of time. They lie snd get defensive snd to be fair he's an adult snd it's his choice snd his life. Keep up the communication and that's all you can do.

As a 65 year old, recovered alcoholic, I think you could have a general conversation with him around his health. Stating he is forgetting things sometimes and trying to encourage him to see a Doctor. He probably does have something of a drinking problem. A lot of lonely people do.

He's in his 70's. Realistically what would talking to him about it achieve?

At least you're aware. Keep your eye on him. He'd probably appreciate some company and support. Maybe he had some neighbours round. Ask him without accusing him of doing anything wrong.
Be gentle on yourself too. It might not be as bad as it looks.