Let down and used by men all my life, I've decided to do the work...

[privatedancing]

I've recently left a two year relationship with a man who evidently saw me as a soft touch and expected me to allow him to move into my home and m y life, despite me advising him at the beginning that this would never be an option while my kids lived at home. He had a habit of literally and figuratively abandoning me when I dared to challenge him on anything that portrayed him in a less than favourable light. This year, I intend to spend the time working on me with a view to increasing my confidence, self esteem and self worth so in the future, if someone special comes along; I will be ready to be an equal and boundaried partner. My Dad was an alcoholic, my only brother treated his sisters like shit and was revered.My three previous significant relationships have resulted in me being used, treated like rubbish, coercively controlled in every way and more recently seen as financial, sexual and emotional vessel for a manchild. I f you met me you would think I am strong, confident and able/I am lone parent to three kids and am coping relatively well .I work full time in a senior management role so my relationships with men and with others are worlds apart. I want to do the work.Ive had some psychotherapy but had to stop as I couldnt afford it anymore but am saving for this. I am a people pleaser and all my life Ive been expected to look after everyoneMy mother resented her life and she definitely resented me as I left home, studied, travelled and rarely went home.I was a real disappointment to her. She often called me selfish. Can you advise me where to start bought a work book recently based on ' How to do the work' .I will start this soon.All advcie welcome and thank you.Apologies for layout. I am unable to reformat.

You sound like a strong independent woman that has really good insight and won't put up with useless, draining relationships any more... Good for you OP! Ive been on a similar journey over the last few years since I dumped my very own manchild, and it was reading posts on here that led to further research into my people pleasing/lack of self worth/esteem issues.

Have you heard of Lisa Romano/Dr Ramani on Youtube? I found these really helpful in recognising past traumas and dealing with narcissistic people. It's like free therapy.

There's also a long standing thread for support with toxic parents - 'we took you to stately homes'. Sorry to hear your mother couldn't be proud of what you achieved. Good luck on your journey 😊

Thank you

I suggest you look at some books by Lundy Bancroft to understand the dynamics with these controlling men in your life, eg. Why Does He Do That? Also he has a book called The Joyous Recovery, about healing from the traumas your describe, and look up his Peak Living Network which is a model of co-counselling with others, which is free, and there may be a group near you or you can read the book and learn how to co-counsel with others, which is free for both of you and has some benefits you don't get from paid counselling. It's exciting you are looking to grow, and also if you have been treated by less-than by other people in your life you don't need to change yourself so much as have some space to express yourself and discover who you are! There is nothing wrong with you but there was definitely something wrong with how you were treated by those who were meant to love and care for you.