Questions about dating someone after bankruptcy

[mswren]

Hi all! I've been dating someone since April 2022 and have known money was tight but he told me yesterday that he's declared himself bankrupt twice, last time in 2018.
Once I don't think that in itself would worry me hugely but twice feels like an issue and he says he is trying but finds money difficult to manage. I'm concerned this might happen again.
Having said that, he gave up drinking over a year ago and so is in a very different place to before.
What would you want to know before deciding whether this is a deal breaker? Thanks

Deal breaker for me. I've been with a man who was shit with money before and he tried to drag me down with him by trying to convince me to take out loans etc in his name (I refused). Walk away before you become attached.

I don't know that it would be a dealbreaker, but I'd proceed with extreme caution: because of the money and the drinking.

And it would be years before I ever felt comfortable enough to share finances in anyway, including a joint mortgage (if I ever did).

Deal breaker.

Deal breaker for me.

No I wouldn't want to know more. He's told you everything you need to know. He's got problems managing money and alcohol. It's a dealbreaker for me.

Bankrupt TWICE & his only reasoning for why is he says he is trying but finds money difficult to manage. ?

Walk away, before he brings you down with him.

The twice and the drinking would be a dealbreaker.

Twice is too much.

You would at least, need to keep yourself financially distanced from him- no joint accounts or contracts that involve (dual) credit checks.

Once with an explanation, possibly ok, twice, deal breaker for me.

Bankrupt once – I’d probably want to know more – sometimes life can throw some real shit at us that we can’t control and bankruptcy might have been the lesser of two evils – redundancy and can’t keep up mortgage repayments, for example.

But twice – dealbreaker – because he never learned anything first time round and never proactively protected himself from it happening again. He admits he’s shit with managing his money so it’s possible he’s going to keep declaring himself bankrupt each time he gets in a mess until he learns how not to be shit with managing his money.

He needs to learn to live within his means and cut his cloth accordingly. That’s his lesson to learn, not yours to teach him.

Things I’d be cautious about would be if, at some point down the line, he’d be asking for a loan to help him out or becoming a cocklodger

If you’re looking to start a family and/or get on the property ladder, I wouldn’t imagine this man is a safe bet.

I get it, we don't want to be judgemental as life is shit sometimes and doesn't always go as planned.

Only reservation would be around the future, do you want a mortgage? Can you do it alone?
Would you marry?

I think I'd be tempted to walk away before getting too involved.

Being bankrupt even once would be the deal breaker for me. Been there, was married to that - not ever going to be with someone who is bad with money again. What a nightmare.

Not a chance sorry

I think life would be too hard with this guy. I'd feel like I was constantly monitoring him and bailing him out.

declaring yourself bankrupt twice and describing it as finding money difficult to manage is a bit of a cop out from adulting really isnt. he is an adult part of that is managing your money. if you stay with him you will managing money for him for ever and never be able to trust him. massive deal breaker for me and I would walk away.

Wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole!

He is only newly sober. I know a year is a fantastic achievement but he is still in the relapse danger zone and shouldn't even be dating in early sobriety.
Bankrupt once is bad enough but twice? I would be turned off as I like men who are responsible financially. I don't mean rich, I mean knows how to manage his budget and save.
But I see women get in relationships with all sorts of men, and some women themselves have a lot of financial and addiction issues, so I suppose you need to know whether this is something acceptable for you.
I would be very wary of combining finances, lending him money or letting him move in with me. Do not sell or give up your housing to move in with him, do not share your pin etc.

I would want to know what led to the bankruptcy exactly, was he gambling or getting sucked into pie in the sky schemes? Was the drinking a factor?

I would want to know what he is doing about money now but to be honest this question is very intrusive to ask a boyfriend and as I wouldn't take things further with a man like this I just would politely end it but that's because my financial circumstances are different and I feel strongly about alcohol and addictions. I think you'd need to be 5+ years sober for me personally to get involved and never been bankrupt nor have a gambling issue.

"Shouldn't even be dating in early sobriety"

Really??

It's not ideal. If the relationship breaks down or comes under stress they could put their sobriety at risk

Total dealbreaker.

Bankrupt twice, no need to know any more. Dump him.

Once I might cautiously proceed assuming it was business related or or due to a series of life events (illness etc). Even then I would be v wary and not combine finances for a very long time if ever.

Twice I would run a mile and not look back.

Sorry but this would be a red flag for me.

I am really careful with money and I would not be able to deal with someone who did this, not just once but twice.

I could understand this happening to someone once because and accident/illness and maybe they had a business that just did not survive the Covid lockdowns but twice? it shows the man is careless and possibly even might have been involved in dodgy dealings.

That plus the alcohol addictions? no thanks.

Don't do it. This could lead to a lifetime of hell.