How to check in on friend who’s husband is going through cancer treatment

[Blondebakingmumma]

Wise mumsnetters please give me some ideas on how to check in on a friend during the week. Her husband is going through chemo and I have continued to send funny memes/ticktock’s, but struggle to find the words to see how she is. Will I seem like a broken record or annoy her with a weekly how are you going??

Why are you sending memes, have you checked she wants them?

I'd just say something simple - say .hi, just checking in, anything I can help with? Don't worry if you don't have time to reply, but here whenever you need me".

Is there a time and place that you could pop round for a cup of tea or something? Take her some flowers or something you know she likes? When someone is going through a difficult time I find making the effort to let them know that they are seen and cared about is usually well received.

When we were in this position my friend just messaged me every so often to see if I was OK, she'd also call for a chat. If she was going shopping she checked in to see if I needed anything (we were housebound at this point). I found it easier when she suggested things like getting shopping or dropping by for a chat as I didn't feel I was a burden asking her. You can get quite a lot of "If you need anything just say" messages but having someone actually offer something felt like it took the burden away from me.

I think you should probably stop sending the "funny " things and actually just ask how are you. Your trying to cheer her up but it's more than likely spamming her with nonsense that her head can't handle.

I wouldnt be sending funny memes....I had some odd messages when I was going through the same with my DH. Folks putting pressure on to meet, go for wine, ;you need a break'. I just wanted folks to leave me alone. I appreciated my close mates who knew I would reach out when I was ready. My focus was my children and my husband

I have sent this friend funny memes for years. Don’t you think it would be odd for me to stop now her husband is going through treatment? She sense funny memes/videos

We are close. Good to hear from those of you who have been through it

Dial back on the 'funny memes'. I'd text along the lines of 'how are you this week? anything I can support with? Here for whenever you want a chat, or to go out for a coffee or wine. No pressure to respond, just know I'm thinking of you all!'

I think asking how things are and cutting back on the memes would be better though. I mean if she is responding and sending them back as normal then carry on.

She uses humour to cope

I'd be led by her on the humour, I have a black sense of humour having worked in health for many years but when I was in the thick of it myself it was a very different place to be. Honestly? Yes, as a friend supporting I would be inclined to dial it back a bit.

Well if that's how she is coping then just carry on but do ask seriously how they are.

Ask her, when I was going through it would have appreciated the humour and normality, but I get that not very one would. It didn’t really matter what people said, the fact that they reached out meant the world.

I use humour to cope when I am face to face with people/ it’s a way to cope but it
isnt how I am when I am not in person and would not appreciate attempts at humour from others

My oldest friend went through this a few years ago. Like a pp has said, if I hadn't heard from her in a week, I'd just text saying I was checking in and no need to reply unless she wanted to.

as to the funny memes, you know your friend better than anyone else in mumsnet,do what you think is appropriate.

Aw
maybe trim the memes and TikTok
just simple say thinking of you
no need to reply x

You sound like a good friend in at least you haven't gone silent on her. Agree with the others that a simple message saying you are thinking of her, that you are there for her.

Is it possible to do anything practical for her too? eg playdate or take her dc out for her, buy her some groceries and leave it out for her, make her some homemade meals, order her a little care package etc? If she is spending a lot of time at the hospital it is these little things that can mean a lot.

Pop round with some home made food tht can be reheated or frozen. Offer to help, and offer specific help.

I see her once a week for coffee. She has sent me two funny videos so far this week. I think it would seem odd if I stopped or pulled away from sharing funny things since she continues to.
thanks for the ideas!

When terrible things happened to DH, I really valued friends who came about and let me think/talk about other matters for a while.

You know your friend well. Humour helped me - so I think you are right.

I'm a Samaritan now and know how useful it is to talk through troubles; I liked that friends gave me time to moan - if I wanted it- but really what I most valued at the time was the bringing of new subjects and fresh air.

My DH was very ill and recovering for many months. He came to sigh about people who visited him in hospital full of information about other people who had suffered/been ill or bad times in the visitor's past. (Everyone has a blacker cat.)

Again - he didn't mind being asked how he was but loved people who chatted happily about the usual things (work - motor racing - politics etc.) as if nothing had happened to him.

Keep on the memes if that's normal for the two of you. You sound like a good friend.

Definitely keep on with the funny memes. Sounds like you're already doing all the right things.