Shall I tell him?!

[Alwaysdountingmyself]

This is my first post so please be gentle with me! My partner and I are solid and always have been. However several years ago I had an affair with a man at work. It lasted a short while. Now, my partner works in a similar industry to the guy I cheated with him on and I’m petrified my husband will find out! Should I tell him now? Have you had or in a similar situation? Any advice would be appreciated!!

Were you with your partner at the time you had the affair? That’s not very ‘solid’.

Solid and always have been? Having an affair isn't solid imo.

If your husband meets this man, why do you think the affair will come to light? Why didn't you admit to your affair earlier?

I think you've got to weigh up your options, if you only tell him because he's started to work with him / met him, in your partners shoes I'd feel your hand had been forced and you didn't want to admit to it otherwise. In his shoes I wouldn't trust you and it would be a total deal breaker for me.

Why did you have an affair if you were solid? It makes no sense unless you just wanted to have your cake and eat it. Anyway I guess now you're paying the price. It's impossible to say what the best option is because we have no idea how likely they are to meet or whether he would tell your OH. I've never had this situation though because I'm not a cheat.

My view is that your partner deserves to know who you are. This is not going to be easy for them and may well end your relationship.

However, you'll have a much better chance of saving your relationship if he finds out from you via an "unprompted" confession than being told by your old affair partner or someone who knows them the truth.

Tell him but be very careful with your explanation about why you had the affair because he will ask why. Don't say you 'don't know' or that you were stupid back then. He will need a proper explanation.

I'm confused. If it happened before you met your husband, how was it an affair? And if it happened after, how can you say you've always been solid?

Did your AP know it was an affair, or did he think you were just in a relationship?
if he knew he was an AP why would he tell your DH? Do you think he would?

I don't think telling your DH this many years later is kind, historical cheating is very hard to deal with.

This should stay firmly on your shoulders.

Your definition of solid is interesting...
Tell him. His idea of your relationship is based on false information.

I really feel for your partner. It was unfair of you to do that and he has the right to know. To be honest you should have told him before now. It speaks volumes that you only want to tell him now he might find out.

Just to clarify, was the affair you had behind your current partners back or a previous relationship?

I think that in either case I'd be keeping quiet about it, part of the deal of infidelity is that you have to wear it, forever, in one way or another. You can tell him to unburden your guilt, because you are living with the daily fear you'll be found out, but you run the risk of ending your relationship. It's lose lose unfortunately, no way of undoing what's done or shedding a kinder light on it.

If the affair was behind your current DP back, at the very least you face a whole lot of admin and effort to try and keep your relationship on track if you do tell him, and even then it will never be the same again. The day you tell them is one thing, the ripples will be felt forever.