Feeling down about Friendships - any advice?

[shallwegoandgetthecats]

Have nc for this.

I am in a right state about my friendships generally and need some advice about whether this is just me being paranoid or if I have real grounds to be miffed. Each of these things is really small on it’s one but it’s all adding up and I feel like I maybe need to find some new friends.

So most of my closest friends I met through work about 15-20
Years ago when we all worked at the same place in the same role. Obviously in the years since as you would expect some have moved on completely into different fields, some have gone PT. I am in the same field and now quite senior. We all had kids at around the same time so
Our kids have grown up together but we all live in different parts of the same region so they don’t go to school together or anything. One family we are especially close to and go on holidays together most years.

Anyway, lately little things that various people have done seem to have been upsetting me and I’m not sure why. I’ve never normally been bothered by these things before so don’t know why I’ve become so sensitive, maybe It’s happening more and more often.

Things like, cancelling plans last minute, invites not being reciprocated, and odd little comments.

For example, last time we met we went to some where for a walk - parking was free for an hour but you had to pay after that. One friend didn’t want to pay so we rushed round to get the walk done in under an hour and friend was on the phone to a workman at their house for most of the walk. So I just wondered why we had bothered really.

My eldest dc and eldest dc of the family I mentioned are good friends- their dc is a year older than mine and now is getting to the stage where they are going off with their own friends a lot. We were invited round to theirs between Xmas and new year - my ds was excited to see his friend and then his face fell when he realised they were going out with friends within 10 mins of us arriving. I felt so sad for him and really we were going on the understanding that it was a family get together so it seemed a bit rubbish.

One friend has also made a comment about me seeing another friend without her- I know she meets up with this friend often as they both work PT and meet up on their days off which is obviously totally fine, but then when I mentioned that I had up with this other friend without her she was clearly annoyed.

The reason I mention the work thing is that I also feel there is an undercurrent of them thinking that I’m either a bit daft for still being in the same field as we started out in, or conversely, sometimes they make sarky comments about “management” and then say “oh no offence” to me as now I am in a senior role. Conversation does tend to come back to work which is natural as it is our common ground but I sometimes find it hard because they now see me as “on the other side”.

This morning there has been another last minute cancellation- again my ds is sad about this and I feel really miserable as we had been looking forward to seeing people. I feel disproportionately upset about this- maybe it’s just the jan blues but I could do with some objective eyes- does it seem like I'm being oversensitive?

Anyone?

The thing with their DC going out is definitely a stage that comes

Op feel for you. I have def found people flaky past while. Cancelling or non comittal to dates. Very rude to ask you to house then head out. I think you should suit yourself going forward. My neighbour ask me in for cuppa last year then last min text she had go out. I cant be ass with this now!!

Don’t fall out with them but expect a little less. People are busy and lots are pretty rude and flaky. Step back a little, open yourself to making new friends.

@LoveCillian I did think that but then I think if it had been my dc I would have said actually no we have guests coming so you have to stay here. Their dc is 12. Maybe different when they are older teens.

At 12 I would have asked mine to consider staying in,but not made them

I think it sounds like you're being over sensitive.They obviously value your friendship or they wouldn't be meeting for walks/xmas etc. I've noticed, since covid, everyone has become slightly more caught up in themselves/for themselves. I think maybe you're seeing a bit more of this

Thank you for kind responses. I think both flakiness and self centredness have increased post covid and I've been focusing on the flakiness of others but perhaps I have become a bit too introspective and sensitive myself.

We had similar experience but with family. We don't live near each other but my BIL and family have kids the same age. When they were younger mine loved to visit but now they are teens , when we go over (we often stay in hotel nearby for the week) the teens go off with friends and we don't really see them. It happens.
I think your friends aren't targeting u you, they just sound busy.

I personally find people cancelling last minute or not reciprocating annoying too. Since Covid it has become more frequent. However, this is not all friends - only certain friends that have a tendency to do this - some are, however, genuinely a bit forgetful, disorganised or scatty. They may not even realise they are annoying you.

Also as my dc have got older, I find myself spending less time with people I originally met via the children, and in turn my dc (now teens) have their own circle of friends.

Things I have found have helped:

1. resetting my expectations. So with flakey friends, I keep a plan B in place for sudden changes/cancellations and I would have no hesitation nor guilt in cancelling on them too (whereas I normally would commit). I would also put up with cancellations or the odd meh comment if I thought that when we did meet, we have an enjoyable time together. No friend is perfect!

2. Expanding my friendship circle ie new hobbies or hanging out more with work colleagues

3. Spending more time with friends that I am more connected to (and who don't usually cancel last minute or make insensitive or goady comments). I've found as I get older, it is far better to actually deepen existing friendships as true friends are hard to find.

Lastly, I have also found being peri-menopausal did make me feel a bit more anxious and sensitive than usual, but HRT has helped with that.

Plan B is a good idea thanks.

I agree that they don't have to be perfect - I feel like I've become less tolerant of these sorts of foibles but I still do value them as friends.