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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my friend unsupportive?

12 replies

shiningcuckoo · 03/01/2023 04:23

I am starting to wonder if my friend likes pissing on my strawberries (metaphorically of course). We have been friends for a long time - when we met we saw each other pretty much everyday at work and lived very close to each other. In the last few years we have ended up living a couple of hours drive from each other. In that time we have both made new friends and, honestly, I think my friend doesn't like me having newer friends. She is embarrassingly snotty around them.

Any conversation we have where I might be expressing pleasure at something is shot down. For example, I want to get a new car and so I opened a conversation with her about it and sent her some photos. Everything I suggested she dismissed as not worth the money or I could get a better deal. Every single one.

I had decided to have a proper birthday party and my friends teenage son had agreed to do the music for me - this was agreed months ago. Now, two weeks out, she texts me that he can't do it anymore and she will play a playlist to a Bluetooth speaker instead. This is so not what I want - I have hired a venue, paid for food and I'd like proper music with a DJ for dancing. Too late to find someone else now I've cancelled the party and I'm hoping that the venue will let me have it on another date. But my friend has not even apologised for the fact that my party has been wrecked by this last minute change. I know it's her son who has pulled
Out on me, but I think he's been influenced and if it were the other way way round I'd be insisting that my child stuck to the commitment.

This next part is more for background, but continues to bother me. I have a serious illness. Last year I was in hospital for a while after a massive surgery. The surgery was done at a hospital 100s of miles away. My friend said she wanted to come and support me and then said she couldn't because of other commitments. So I said ok and another friend came with me. She then changed her mind about coming and went crazy because someone else was with me. I received a number of angry texts the day before the surgery. Once the surgery was done and I was in icu, I got more texts about how I had enough people running around after me and she was sure she wasn't needed. Actually I was largely on my own for a week, eventually being flown back to my home town in an air ambulance.

We have been friends for a long time and in the past she has been an amazing friend. It's just that the friendship seems to have turned into something else.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 03/01/2023 04:26

It's old to walk away from dramatic friends and live a calm and happy existence. It doesn't sound like she wants the best for you. Who wants to be around someone like that. I would just phase her out. Life is too short.

ilovelamp82 · 03/01/2023 04:26

OK, not old

Merryweather80 · 03/01/2023 04:42

She sounds quite nasty to be honest. When you’re ill, grief and stress like she caused is the last thing you need.

Personally, I don’t think I would be contacting her anymore. If she asked why, repeat your post to her.

Is she having a stressful time at the moment? Menopause? Anything that may explain her change in behaviour? Is she the same with other people?

beejeez · 03/01/2023 04:49

It sounds like she's jealous of you.

Cut her out of your life. You deserve better.

Guavafish1 · 03/01/2023 04:57

What a horrible and selfish thing to do when you're ill.

That would be the end of my friendship if someone did that to me! Did you tell her how hurt you were with her disgusting behaviour?

Personally, I agree with others. She undervalues you but thinks she can own your friendship in a way. Its time to phase her out of your life!

TeddyTrucks · 03/01/2023 05:09

Nobody I count as a friend would do this.

shiningcuckoo · 03/01/2023 05:10

I am nothing to be jealous of. I am divorced having had my marriage implode in a public and humiliating way 6 years ago. I am single - never met anyone since my marriage ended. I have two teens who cause me a lot of stress. I have a stressful, full on job that is relentless. I have a terminal illness. I have no parents or siblings. I'm sure that jealousy isn't a factor.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 03/01/2023 06:14

Yes it is.... she is tring to keep you down. Some ppl are like this...toxic

category12 · 03/01/2023 06:15

Jealousy in a possessive sense, maybe?

Seems like she thinks she owns you and likes the idea of you being a bit dependent on her, therefore kicking off when you dare to have other friends that step in.

She sounds like a rubbish friend currently tbh. Maybe it's time to take a break, either reduce contact and see if your feelings change, or if you're done, let the friendship go?

category12 · 03/01/2023 06:17

And I'm sorry you're facing a terminal illness. Flowers

shiningcuckoo · 03/01/2023 06:23

Maybe it is a possessive thing, yes. It's hard to understand. I'm no great catch as a friend.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 03/01/2023 06:47

I think you are a great catch as a friend.

You sound caring, sensitive, attentive, empathetic.

Your 'friend' however sounds awful.

I don't know her motivations for being awful but do they matter?

Fancy kicking up such a fuss when you were going to have major surgery and during your recovery in hospital. Vile behaviour.

Please dump her.

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