Does my partner even want to be with me??

[DMA]

I’ve been with my DP for a little over 5 years now, we’ve lived together for the past 4 of those and have NC. About 2y ago he stopped saying “I love you”, and has also since then become much less affectionate, we’re still having sex, about once/twice a month, but without the same passion we once had. He rarely wants to spend time with me, I have to nag him to do something with me on his days off, he refused to go on holiday at all last summer (not due to money), it’s over a year since we’ve even been away for a night together. However, whenever I do manage to get him to do something with me, we have a great time, and get on so well. When we first were together we’d go out a lot together, more with his friends than mine (his choice), but now he hasn’t let me go out with him and his friends (a group of men and women, some now in couples) in over 2 years. I regularly invite him to come out with my friends and their partners, but he rarely does.

Also I have always suffered with anxiety and have also always been a little overweight, however during covid both of these issues got worse, I have asked him a million times to help me get back to a healthier weight, by accompanying me to the gym/out for runs/exercise classes for a few weeks, just until I feel less anxious there and more comfortable to go alone, however anytime I ask he says it’s something I have to do myself and that he can’t help me.
But yet, he regularly tells me that I need to lose weight and that I would look much better if I lost weight….. So clearly he wants me to lose the weight, but just refuses to support me in doing so in anyway whatsoever……

Anytime we fight over any of the above issues, I ask him if he even wants to be in this relationship, and he assures me he does……but yet doesn’t change his behaviour……

All of the above makes me feel shit a lot of the time, but I still love him and he is still my best friend, I don’t want to lose him, but then sometimes I think I’m crazy to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make me feel like they want to be with me…..

I would struggle with several things here:

1. his withdrawal of saying he loves you

2. not "letting you" join him and friends on nights out

3l Telling you that you would look much better o
If you lost weight and to just lose it.

He sounds controlling if I'm honest...I hope that's not the case.

He’s probably having an affair, apologies if that’s quite harsh, but I did the same thing when I was… pretty much everything you describe

How old are you both? It sounds like he has checked out but perhaps still wants the benefits, sex & house sharing.

Don't listen to what he says...focus on his actions and listen to your instinct.

I would however say an you go to the gym yourself? Do you have any friends or book a private instructor. Exercise will help you feel better in many ways

Constructive, encouraging approaches to weight (either too little or too much) with a partner are fine (to me) but sounds like he's just criticising. It'll undermine your confidence further.

If your anxiety is getting too much id find other avenues, he's not the person to go to with it clearly. A friend? A therapist?

Re weight, if it bothers you (not him) going for a mid day walk and changing your diet should be enough. You don't need him for that either.

Then you have to ask yourself...what's he bringing to your life?

He’s just not really bothered, is he? Refuses to let you go out with his friends? Why? What’s he hiding?

I can see why PP's are thinking he's checked out of the relationship, but the fact that you still have sex and fun when you're away together makes me think it might be something else ?

It sound like he doesn't want to be seen out with you and he's uncomplimentary about your weight gain. Could it be he's trying (in a horribly stupid way) to encourage you to lose weight ?

As he still goes out with friends, couples, rather than going out alone or with only single friends, doesn't sound like he's cheating, but it does sound as if he's shallow and embarrassed by your weight gain perhaps ?

It's maybe that he's shallow and stupid, rather than cheating ? Though, tbh, I'm not sure which is worse ?

Only try to lose weight if it's what you want to do, for yourself.

If you need support to join fitness classes or the gym, why don't you get a friend to accompany you instead of asking your H ? Or join a beginners session where everyone is new ? You can make friends there ?

Maybe once you feel better about yourself, you'll feel stronger to tackle other issues in your life/marriage ?