Leaving a narcissist

[Wishiwasindisney]

Has anyone here with young children left their narc partner?
We've been together 13 years.
I've tried numerous times, but he drags me back every time.
I got very close to leaving once, but he said last time he got so close to suicide so of course the guilt set in.
I've slept on the sofa for just over 2 years since we had our youngest child.
I don't like him, I don't want to be with him. I know his manipulative ways.

One of the main issues is guilt. Why do I feel guilty at leaving him when he's so horrible but apparently has no idea he is.
Why can't I put my happiness before his?
He says the children will be worse off, I'll take them away from him, it's not fair to break up our 'family'
I was determined that my last birthday would be the last I spent in this house, however it was my birthday 2 days ago, and I'm still here, over a year on.
How do I put myself first and gather the strength to just get on with it and get out?

Sorry for the long post, but just hoping there's anyone out there been in the same situation that can help me find my happiness this year. I just want to be on my own with my children

This is a tough one and I am so sorry you are still in the situation you want ( and should) to not be in . I am sure someone more eloquent and wise than me will be along in a moment but I just wanted to tell you what I learned ( have been out two and a half years so it is only my experience )

1. it's hard. It's hard to go and stay gone. The initial euphoria is amazing and carries you but there are dark days that sometimes take you by suprise by sneaking up on you . But NOTHING is as hard as where you are right now. 2 ) there is help - sometimes from unexpected places - but emotional and practical help does come and it's a godsend.
2. you may doubt yourself - especially when you feel low and the guilt is crippling . He WILL try and guilt and manipulate you and it will feel like a constant battle but stay focussed if you can . YOU are NOT responsible for his behaviour.
3. he will use the children as weapons. He just will. It hurts to see and hear how will try to use them and manipulate them but prewarned is pre armed.
4. don't expect to heal quickly - 13 years of being with a narcissist leaves it's mark in many many insidious ways. Be kind to yourself and take your time X
5. you are stronger than you think .....there are good and bad days but I promise you will not regret it . You will be free to be the parent you want to be . And become the person you want to be xx.
   Good luck to you xxxxxxxxxx

That's a wonderful post by butterfingers1977. It captures it so well. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and you have to keep making the decision a dozens of times each day to get the strength to do it. I literally got panic attacks over it and I've never experienced anything like that before. I kept a diary of how bad things were and wrote the reasons why I couldn't stay down and had to keep rereading it to see how awful it was and to keep focused on getting out. I also shared with a few trusted people and they gave me strength when I felt myself crumbling. Learning about the cycle of abuse also helped me not keep getting sucked back in. What I would say is that you are stronger than you think. You will amaze yourself.

As an aside , on a practical level , I found organising the practical stuff helped me focus. Sorting a new home , bills and admin , setting a date to go all helped. And use Mumsnet for hand holding - there a re real people with real experience and skills and kindness on here and that helped me more than anything with the emotional fall out. You can do this - dig deep - you can xx

You let your head overrule your heart, it will hurt but thing will get better eventually.

You're in the FOG op. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Can you get any support? Any local DA women's groups or counselling? You need to drown out the voice of the manipulator as much as possible and listen to sane supportive people.

Everything he does is deliberate, he will abuse his children too as they get older. Narcissists don't feel love for ANYBODY.

It took me years to finally escape. He used our kids as a way of making me feel sorry for him, making me feel guilt at splitting us up - but he was abusing them too OP. I realised that just as he lied to people on the outside and pretended he was a lovely family man, he was lying on the inside as well, lying to me about what a devoted loving dad he was and I believed him and thought it was just me he was abusing. But in reality, we were all in our own abuse cycle with him, he played hot and cold, manipulated and had bursts of rage with all of us.

Social services got involved in the end, my kids were interviewed about him separately at school, he had psychopathic tendencies - and a non-molestation order helped. We've been no-contact for 4 years now. He doesn't know where we are. And I'm still healing, not sure I'll ever be able to have another relationship, but that's by the by, we're safe and in our own loving family unit, no abuse, no mind games, no dread, no fear. Just peace and safety.

And we all say the same thing - we don't know where we would be now had we not escaped. I'm not sure I would be alive. I was a depressed gibbering wreck. I dread to think how my kids would be.

You can do it. Good luck.

Thank you for all your replies and help.
I have thought about counselling or therapy but not sure where to go for this.
We also have had social services involved, and we were on child protection for a year, I think that's why I though staying was the better option,
I know I need to put myself and the children first but as you've said, the fog, the guilt, the way he makes me feel is just awful.
Thank you for the suggestion of making a plan, I love a plan. I've been looking at places to rent, and spoken to my family too. They all know the situation and the truth about everything so I do have a good support there.
No contact would be the absolute best option for me leaving but I can't stop the kids seeing him, they're too young to understand yet and he will feed into them that I took them away

Going through this too, narc of the highest order. Our child is a baby but I asked him to leave recently, best thing I've ever done. Narcs will damage their own kids as well as you. He isn't going to go quietly but he is not going to change no matter how long I stay with him

Hi mum's.. this year I have promised myself I will learn how to drive get my independence and get the hell out of this toxic relationship. I have been with my husband for 20 years we have 5 kids. He is very narsasistic and abusive towards me and my older children. He is Muslim and tries to make us all live by his religion I do not want this for my kids I want them to grown up and make thier own decisions about religion. He often uses very racist language towards myself. Other behaviours are he tells us all what we can and cannot wear, eat, what music we can listen to. Financially abuses me. We're just not living a very good life. I just want someone to tell me this feeling of guilt goes away after I have left. I don't drive so before I leave I need my independence for school runs and taking the children out so I'm going to make sure I have a licence before I leave. He's told me driving lessons are a waste of money and he won't look after the kids when I go and do a lesson. Sorry for the long post and I know it's all mixed up but just want to know if any1 is in the same position or has been and what happens next