I want DH to address eating disorder *potentially triggering*

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DH has had an eating disorder since his late teens (now mid 30s, so half his life). He has a history of binge eating until he vomits or using extreme exercise to purge (he’s an endurance athlete).

In the last couple of years he has managed to ‘control it’ and claims to now have a healthy attitude with food. However, he daily makes ‘jokes’ about how ‘fat’ he is (his BMI is lower end of healthy and he has an extremely low body fat percentage 5-7% ish), he has extreme rules about food (will not eat between meals, can’t have any calorie containing drinks between meals, becomes stressed if his portion size is altered eg. I steal something off his plate), and becomes very stressed in social situations with food.

Whilst he is 100 times better than he used to be, I’m still worried about the impact this will have on our DCs. DS(4) has ARFID so food is just a bloody minefield in our house now. I want to insist he has therapy but he’s adamant that it hasn’t ever helped in the past.

Do I just accept that this is the man I love and chose to marry, and accept that food is always going to be a difficult topic? Is it too late?

I have an eating disorder. My dh has an eating disorder.

Look past the food and realise that eating disorders that present like this are often actually centred around control. Your husband feels in control of his body and that makes him relax. When food or intake cannot be controlled he feels as though he's spiralling so takes drastic measures to correct it. It is more like an ocd, a compulsion to control this one thing.

My partners eating disorder was based on a few things in his past. A very complex series of events I won't list here. Essentially before he could relax a little towards eating he needed to feel noticed, important, prioritised. He felt invisible most of his life. We did work on this together but I didn't push him as obviously I didn't want him to feel I was trying to take control from him as that would make it worse. He's now loosened that grip and is up to a healthy weight (he was severely under). He also added lots of new foods to his diet.

So it isn't easy but it is possible. If your partner as an athelete it may be harder for him as he will be very aware of his stats and will want to remain in good physical condition. You say he is better than he was so it might be that for him this is as good as it gets. Certain things like not eating between meals and not drinking calories are somewhat normal, healthy, habits for adults.

I think you need to try to minimise the intensity of his relationship with food in front of your son. Assuming your partner does eat balanced healthy meals and you eat together as a family you should try to ask your dh to not dissect every meal or talk about it in such strict terms. He's an adult and should be able to monitor his own portion size or simply leave some on his plate. You probably shouldn't take food off his plate, I'd hate that myself!

He shouldn't be joking about being fat infront of your son either.

I think you need to discuss with him in private just some of the language he uses and how he vocalised his attitude and opinion on food and his body.

If he's willing to go to therapy in the more long term that would be great but he also has to be willing to open up and it's not at all easy. I think it's even harder for men with eating disorders tbh. It's also habit forming so obviously at times of stress or upheaval he may get worse again. If you can find stressors or triggers you may be able to minimise them to some degree. I find eating at family events very very hard myself so I don't think he's just being difficult. It's a hard time of year with so much food around.

Good luck op.

I wouldn’t want my kid growing up thinking that was normal either. Can you get to the bottom of why your DH has an eating disorder? There usually are comorbididities like ASD or OCD issues that your DH might be more willing to address than the eating itself. It may simply follow suit. (ARFID is often symptomatic of those too.)

Why on earth would you ever fuck with the food of somebody with an eating disorder? Stealing food off his plate?

I thought this too.

If you don't understand why this is a big no-no OP you're not really aware of much to do with his eating disorder.

I wouldn't want my DC to witness this, their relationship with food will be messed up too. Your dh needs therapy but he needs to want it. Doing it for you won't help him.

He is not 100 times better, he is in the full grip of an ED. Most people with an ED do not get fat and do not binge and vomit.

You are mistaking a small group of symptoms for what is a massive mental health issue.

His ED is that he thinks about food a disproportionate amount of the time. In some cases this can be ALL the time. He will be thinking about food, about what he will eat - and more importantly to him - what he won't eat, about food 'rules', about calories, about body fat and always, ALWAYS about controlling food intake.

EDs are linked to OCDs and are as intractable and hard to treat. As a pp said, there has to be a willingness to want to get better, but most people with an ED are actually happy hugging it close to themselves even when they know that it has taken control of them.

Can you talk to him about the impact of this on your children?

I agree that he's probably not 'better'. I have an ED and while I am not underweight and therefore physically I'm 'better', it's just as much of a struggle mentally as ever. EDs are incredibly hard to treat. I've been in therapy for many years and will continue to be so as it's the only thing that gives me any semblance of a normal life.

Oh and stealing food off his plate is a pretty terrible thing to do to someone who views food as the only thing they have any control over.

My mum had an ED. from a very young age despite the fact that I was a healthy weight she took me to WW classes with her (on the pretext that she didnt have a sitter) my life growing up was a constant round of massive meals and puddings one week with snacks and all sorts and then virtually nothing the following weeks. fad diets of carbs only, meat only, one type of veg. I was subjected to them all. yes there was other food I could have eaten but the guilt of her saying how awful it was of me to eat x y and z in front of her when I knew she was on a diet meant I ate in secret. and guess what? I have been battling obesity all my life (8 stone overweight currently) because its a hard habit to break. please dont consign your child to my life. you and your dh need to deal with this before the next person, your child, gets drawn into this cycle.

Why on earth would you steal something off his plate?

There's also nothing wrong with not eating between meals.

Is the not eating between meals just a good way of preventing a binge?

It’s unusual, socially, to never eat between meals though. Convention would have it that we stop for an ice cream on a summer afternoon out, or a piece of cake on a city day trip.

I agree with you re the social aspect - but that's not everyday, which I think is what the OP means. I think we also, nowadays, can't seem to go a few hours without having something to eat - even if we frame it as 'healthy' by eating a piece of fruit!

The plate thing was a mistake, I’ll admit! It was actually a bowl of crisps that he had left on the side and I thought nothing of taking one. It was stupid of me.

I think it depends. Of course, there's no need to eat between meals and most people could do with cutting down on snacks. But there's a difference between not needing to eat between meals and having strict rules about when you can and can't eat. So even if you're starving hungry, you won't eat an apple or whatever because that's not one of your rules. It's not about snacking but about the rigidity of thinking. If the idea of of a biscuit or piece of fruit between a meal causes you to have a panic attack, for example, that's not a good place to be.

It is amazing that any thread about food on MN gets filled with comments about how to eat healthily, what to eat and what not to eat, when to eat, fruit, fibre, stealing off plates, competitive food knowledge, blah blah blah.

All of this helps people who have EDs to feel that their compulsion is normal and shared by everyone else and therefore not an issue. It is like alcoholics needing someone to share a drink with them. It is like alcoholics gathering together to prove to each other that this is just sociable normality.

An ED is a serious mental illness. It is utterly overwhelming for those that suffer from it and also for those that have to watch a loved one who is living a secret, hidden, parallel life that they cannot move away from.

An ED is a serious mental illness. It is utterly overwhelming for those that suffer from it and also for those that have to watch a loved one who is living a secret, hidden, parallel life that they cannot move away from

This is absolutely true.

However, it's also true to state - to the OP - that eating between meals isn't essential!

As your child has ARFID, it could be a neurodiversity thing with your dh. I'm Audhd and food is a daily struggle.

As a pp said it’s a serious mh issue. You can’t pressure him to change and he most likely is not ready.
I totally understand your concern with the dc. Can your dh prepare and eat his food alone. It’s sad but I do this. My dh eats the family meal with my dc and I ear separately. Also can you ask that he doesn’t talk about food around the dc. The dc won’t think anything of this if your both breezy and don’t make a big deal of it when he’s not sat at the table etc
Food will consume most of his day it’s not intentional.
I know you have addressed the taking food from him but that is a big no no and actually just reading it made me feel sick with anxiety.
Do not mention his weight at all to him op.
It’s hard for you I imagine but again you can’t force him to change and it’s unlikely he ever will as sad as that is.
All you can do is shield your dc for it.

Also yes as pp said it’s common with ND people.

@BIWI I think we all know Op was just trying to state how strict he is not that you must eat between meals
But actually some people do have fruit snack between meals or whatever if they are feeling very hungry or maybe a bigger gap between meals or had a small lunch
For some it is nornal to have smaller meals and several healthy snacks rather than 3 large meals

There’s nothing wrong with not eating between meals but there is a lot wrong with not allowing oneself to ever eat anything between meals.

My cousin has and eating disorder and we would NEVER ever touch her plate or take food off it it's a real trigger for people please don't do that to him he'll get very anxious 😬