A DH who becomes very quiet when stressed

[MBF23]

Does anyone have a DH who becomes very introspective/quiet when stressed?

Essentially I think we have different ways of coping with stress and it doesn’t always cause a clash but over the last few days it really has. I talk things through to find a solution but DH just shuts down.

DH has got a big project to do at work, it’s a big ask and he’s not done it before. Added to the fact that he’s a perfectionist and it’s meant that he’s been super stressed about going back to work for the past few days. It put a dampener on NYE and a friend’s party as he just retreats into himself and becomes quiet. He is monosyllabic, won’t ask questions, just really shuts down.

He has never been one to talk about how he feels. If I directly addressed it with him, I would get catastrophising, all or nothing answers. “It’s all going to be terrible” kind of thing.

So instead I just avoid asking him about work or how he feels and just try to go through the day as normal. But it’s hard work for me to be the cheery one when I’m getting nothing back.

He was referred for some CBT a few years ago but didn’t go ahead with it.

Any tips for how to deal with it?

Yes, my dh also shuts down and becomes excessively perfectionist when under stress. A relief to hear that I'm not the only one who has to deal with this.

TBH I don't think there's much you can do about it. I back off and leave him to it. I try to ensure that there is less to stress him in the immediate environment. Remind myself that it's him, not me, and that his reactions are not to me but to his stress. He gets through it eventually.

I don't try to be the cheerful one, though. Nothing wrong with the house being quiet for a while and no need for fake jollity. I think that would wind him up. And exhaust me! I also think it's a good life lesson for the dc: dad needs some space and some peace and quiet this week. We can recognise other's needs and respond without ourselves being stressed by it.

What helps dh is going out for a run. He recognises this and works it into his day.

I shut down when I’m stressed too. The ‘big project’/stressor feels like a massive lump in my brain. My DP is very good at this sort of thing and picks up on it quite quickly. He asks me to tell him about the project, usually over a glass of wine or similar, and it sort of untangles my thinking. He acts as a mentor in situations like these, and he doesn’t try to problem solve for me, but he helps me to come up with ideas and solutions. It helps me to feel like I’ve done a bit of homework before I get started, and have the beginnings of an action plan. Here are some questions to open the conversation:

1. Tell me about the project. What does it hope to achieve?
2. What do you think the best bits will be? What is exciting about it? What will happen when it is successful?
3. What are the challenges? What do you think the pinch points will be? How do you think you could overcome them?
4. What have you already done that could really help what you’ll you’ll be doing now? (Skills, experience, talents)

My DH is the same. I really struggle with it so enjoying hearing how others cope and support so well

Yes I was a little worried it would just be me who experiences this!

What I meant by saying that I try to be the cheerful one is that I have to put in a bit of emotional labour when we’ve been in company. For example, bringing him into the conversations and so on. Else he will sit there ruminating and it can come across as rude.

Thank you @ShandaLear for those questions. I’ll give it a try. However when it comes to question 4 I can guarantee he’ll say “nothing.” He can be very down on himself and his talents. The work he produces is great and he does get very good feedback from his manager etc. But when it’s leading up to one of these projects you would think the end of the world is nigh.

@WashAsDelicates this is a good point. DH has been out of a fitness routine for six months but we have both said we’re going to get back into it as we have a big event at Easter. I do think this will help.

Like @StopThe, I do struggle with it. Because with the retreating comes all forms of retreating. So, he won’t initiate a cuddle or a goodnight kiss etc. I do find it wearing. I do try to tell myself it’s him not me @WashAsDelicates but it’s tricky.

Can’t you not just let him deal with it his way? It doesn’t really affect you - as in he isn’t trying to put his stress on you.
You don’t NEED to overcompensate with people when you are visiting. You aren’t his social manager. Just let him be quiet, and if anyone says something - nothing wrong with saying ‘H has a big deadline, he is lost in thought’.
As to not initiating hugs - why is it only his job anyway? Hug him, if you want to be hugged.

This is the kind of support HE needs - you letting him be.
Asking questions about what stresses him - is you projecting your stress response needs onto him. YOU like talking things through. He doesn’t.
Forcing him to do so - will actually make it worse for him.

I am saying all this is because I also retreat internally when dealing with something stressful. And I hate being forced to talk about it - as it does really make it worse for me.

So - my advice - don’t make his way of dealing with his stress about you.

I do see that point of view but I think it’s hard when the stress does affect me. It’s hard (for example) when your spouse domestic want to initiate any affection, or even conversation. His stress is about him but it turn it stresses me, if that makes sense,

Also when he retreats into himself, it’s not just from me but it is also from things like socialising, doing things around the house, etc. Because it seems like he’s ruminating so hard on whatever he is anxious about that he has no time to think about whatever other jobs might need doing etc. So that affects me too. I have to be perky, cheerful, unaffected by his retreat, while also carrying the mental load of the house etc!

My ex was very much like this and I agree, it’s tough. We all deal with stress in different ways but it’s when they pop out the other end and expect all to be normal again after days of being given the cold shoulder! It isn’t the reason we broke up but it didn’t help.

My husband is like this and I find it ery hard, he retreats from the kids too so I have to do twice as much of that stuff which can be tiring as well as trying to keep them away from him. Its interesting reading how others cope.

My younger relatives husband does this. Luckily he’s recognised it and told me he started mediation. He reckons it’s working. I’ve yet to ask his wife about it.

I am very much like this and have recently gone down bit of a google rabbit hole as it was causing issues between me and DH.

I’ve now diagnosed myself with adhd- I’ve never been “hyperactive” in the bouncing off the walls type, but I do tick virtually all the other boxes including shutting down when I’m overwhelmed.
none of my family agree with me, but I think I’ve just been very good at masking my symptoms. I probably wont seek a formal diagnose though, as I have nothing really to gain medically.

maybe something for your DH to investigate?

I think it's hard for the person who does the retreating to realise just how hard it is for the partner to cope with an effectively absent partner for what can be weeks at a time or even longer. To be pushed out of being able to help, being a team and co-parenting. It's easy to say it doesn't affect us and we should just carry on not compensating but it feels so rude to both be silent when visiting friends, and someone has to create a pleasant home for dc and I never get to be down and quiet myself.

For me DH has made this behaviour a habit which has increased over 20 years so I'm probably projecting and not helping but I don't think it's always as simple as just leaving them be.

Wanted to add to my post - you mentioned your DH being very hard on himself, well I have always had massive imposter syndrome so tend to overwork myself and have very perfectionistic and unrealistic expectations (of myself) to counter balance the imposter syndrome. This is a adhd trait.

@MBF23

I think we all have period where we are having a hard time and need to deal with it.
And I think we need to support our partners as they should in turn support us when we deal with out stuff.
Unless your H is doing it constantly, and every bump on the road gets him to stress and retreat - i think you need to be a little more understanding and supportive.
And you don’t need to put unnecessary pressure on yourself. You sound a little too focused on things being just so, and everything appearing a certain way.

You don’t NEED to be extra cheerful and perky when he is down. He won’t notice anyway - so why? You don’t NEED to get him to socialise - he can skip an outing if that works better for him. You can go on your own. And you CAN initiate affection of you know he is struggling and you feel you need it. (The way you phrase that part about affection sounds as if you think he is the one who must initiate. And as if it’s wrong if you did).

I think it's hard for the person who does the retreating to realise just how hard it is for the partner to cope with an effectively absent partner for what can be weeks at a time or even longer. To be pushed out of being able to help, being a team and co-parenting.

I agree. It is not easy on the other half of the partnership. But surely a transient difficulty like this is part of the ups and downs of being in a committed relationship?

It's easy to say it doesn't affect us and we should just carry on not compensating

I wouldn't say it doesn't affect us! But I would say it's rarely our job to compensate, nor is it emotionally healthy for us to compensate in the sense of being twice as positive because one of us temporarily lacks positivity.

but it feels so rude to both be silent when visiting friends,

Then we either don't visit, visit alone, or briefly explain and leave him be while we enjoy the visit. Again, not compensate, just be ourselves while he gets on with being himself.

and someone has to create a pleasant home for dc and I never get to be down and quiet myself.

That's an imbalance in the relationship. Because I certainly do get to be down and quiet myself. My dh picks up the reins when I'm struggling, just as I do when he is.

Today has been awful. He barely spoke all afternoon and then this evening he got the work laptop out, sit and looked at it all evening (didn’t actually do any work, just had it open while watching TV, on his phone etc). He didn’t say a word to me all evening.

I am absolutely fed up of living like this so I have just told him that I can only assume he is unhappy with me/the relationship, because it is not right to sit and ignore your partner, not talk to them, not initiate any physical contact etc. I have said how hard it has been for me over the past week, how he hasn’t had to lift a finger and I have had to do it all.

The response? More mutism.

When instead, all he needed to say is, “look I’m really anxious about X.” I don’t mind having a conversation. I’d love it if he spoke to me with some truth. I can’t go on with the ruminating any more. It’s making me feel upset and stressed.

To be honest - your post made me feel sorry for your poor H, who is clearly not doing well and needs help. You are describing a severely anxious and possibly depressed person.
And I am also sorry he has a partner lacking empathy so completely.
You see him suffering and you make it about you. Not even a kind word of acknowledgement that he is suffering.

You know he is struggling, yet you want to push him to say ‘I am struggling’. What sort of person does that? Why do you need him to say what you already know?
All about YOU and YOUR needs.

It’s interesting and informative to read you write about this. I’m like your DH and will often retreat when stressed. I also retreat in the couple of days after a big thing too.

I used to try not to do this, especially when dc were small. However that made me far worse, stressed, snappy, then ashamed and guilty. I’ve now realised that sometimes you just have to pick the least worst thing, and retreating is my least worst. I don’t have more or any extra.

One thing I think about family life is that you have to let other people have their ups and downs. Whether it’s my hormonal teenagers or when someone from work has sent my DH into an irrational rage. I’ve recognised that I feel responsible for everyone’s emotions and that when they present unhappy, I often feel it’s up to me to change that. But the best thing is just to let people feel rubbish without escalating it or trying to change it.

I’ve recognised that I feel responsible for everyone’s emotions and that when they present unhappy, I often feel it’s up to me to change that. But the best thing is just to let people feel rubbish without escalating it or trying to change it.

Agree!

How often does this happen ?

I get very very quiet when major stress is ongoing, but its pretty rare - like once or twice a year - and lasts for maybe a week or so, amybe 2 at the worst instances

My DH recognises the signs, and he knows he won't get me to talk, so he doesn't force it, and basically leaves me to it and gives me space. Well, as much as is possible with 2 young DC. Definitely doesn't push me to socailise

So how much grace you should give himm maybe depends on how often you have to put up with this - if its all the time for months on end, he needs to find strategies to manage stress that don't impact his family.

I think it's hugely disrespectful for him to wallow and ruminate and cause stress, without taking any steps to seek help.

Why should you have to pick up all the slack and take on his share of family and domestic responsibilities, just because he can't be bothered to accept the help he was offered via CBT?

I think @PlateUpTheTofurkey ‘s question about frequency is pertinent. A few days every couple of months is very different to all week, every other week.

My dh is awesome and always really kind. While I do apologise, I probably say thank you more.

But it sounds like OP’s dh doesn’t have a way of letting her in, or acknowledging the impact on her and this must be really hard.