Toxic relationship

[mumtoonesonx]

Hello,

I’ve never written down or properly disclosed anything I’m about to post. Feel free to share any advice or thoughts you have, although I don’t really have a purpose for this.

I’m 26 and have been in a relationship for the last 8 years 10 months. We own our home and we have an 18 month old son together. He also moved here to be with me, so he hasn’t got family locally - his whole life is essentially here now.

Our relationship hasn’t been great since the first year we were together. We have always argued a lot and we didn’t trust each other initially (young and naive). He has hurt me a lot, not regularly but once is more than enough. I received a nice black eye from him when I took him away for the weekend for his birthday one year. But admittedly, I’ve pushed and kicked him a lot too, albeit mostly when he’s trying to hurt me. We argue over basically everything. I’m the one who does every bit of the house work, cleaning, the gardening and so on. If I dare to ask him to do any DIY I’m faced with an argument. Me time doesn’t exist but he finds plenty of time to go watch the football and drink all day long. He threatens to basically go and kill himself fairly often and threatened to jump off our hotel balcony just last year with our 10 month old.

Stupidly and idiotically, I sold my car years ago and we have shared one since but it’s in his name. Leaving him means no car and therefore no way to get to work which is out of town. His salary is also x2.5 mine which makes life affordable and I don’t have friends any more. I also don’t know where I would go if I left him as he’d need to be here due to having nowhere else/no local family. I’m scared to go at life alone. My family know what my relationship is like but they just play it off as us having a ‘love/hate relationship’ because despite all of this they still like him.

Going anywhere, and I mean anywhere, causes an argument. Even basic things like going for a walk with our son causes gigantic arguments and I try shield my son from it but I can only do so much when his dad is screaming at me right in front of him.

I cry every day now. I’m 26 yet I’m so sad and so lonely. If my son wasn’t here I’m not sure I’d want to be either.

You need to make plan to leave. Asap. Women's Aid.Contact them today. Do not over think it just call.

Oh sweetheart, this is heartbreaking. This is not your fault, and it can get better. You don't have to live like this, he's controlling you with his threats of suicide, and he's shut down your life so you have less freedom and financial independence, and therefore less chance to leave him. This is no accident, it's calculated and he's done it on purpose.

You know that you can't shield your son from it, if you stay you will subject him to the very despair you feel yourself, yet moreso because he's a child. He's then likely to out and do this to a partner or become a victim of a similar situation himself because he won't know any better.

You mention your family, is there any opportunity for you to move in with one of them as a temporary measure while you get yourself back on your feet? There's a great chat service from Womens' Aid here's a link and you can chat directly with a support worker.

You can get yourself out of this situation, you will need to screw up all of your courage, do it before he erodes what you have left. Take advice from Womens Aid on practical matters and make sure that you don't let him know what you're planning until you have something in place. It will be ok, you have your whole life ahead of you, and it can turn around like you wouldn't believe, I promise.