Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dysfunctional Inlaws

11 replies

FedUp2023 · 02/01/2023 10:38

I’m feeling really down and was hoping I could post on here for some support and advice. I have my issues with DH he is cold, unloving and just not bothered. I do want to leave him but we’ve just purchased a new home that we haven’t even moved into so my plans are on hold at the moment.

sorry to derail but it’s about my Inlaws. I’ve been married 12 years ago and was constantly told their behaviour especially SIL was “perfectly normal”, tbh I was so young when I got married I just accepted it and on the odd occasions I brought it up I would be shut down by a screaming MIL. DH is the youngest and has 2 older sisters. Age gap is like 10 and 8 years.
They’ve never bothered with me. My first Christmas as a married couple was just ignored, my eldest child’s first Christmas was ignored. When I invited them over to our home for my child’s first Christmas (we lived with Inlaws) I was met with “why would we want to do that?”, and “I don’t consider you as my family”. We’re Indians so this made no sense as they put a show in the world that were all so close.

when I told MIL I was upset they didn’t come for Xmas I was met with excuses all putting them in good light and me in bad.

I can deal with this as I have lots of siblings but what pisses me off is that it’s always “tit for tat” in his family, we moved out after a year with Inlaws but every time I have an event MIL gets upset her daughters aren’t there but my sisters are! Well her daughters never want to come! DH has already told me his sisters have to come and see the new house before I invite my sisters, we’ll we’ll be waiting years then. He gets jealous of my sisters like we call each other constantly and they want to FaceTime our kids whereas our kids have no idea who his sisters are. He doesn’t like that, he gets jealous of my family.

he forced them to attend our eldest son 4th birthday and they sat there with faces like thunder and didn’t interact with anyone! Their kids sat there with their phones and didn’t utter a word whereas my sisters were chatting to people and making sure everyone had food and my nephew and nieces were interacting with all the kids.

i’m so fed up with how everything is normalised in his family and I’m always the bad one for wanting things to be normal. MIL gets upset when we visit my sisters but her daughters responses to our calls to visit
are “I will let you know”.

other extended family in Inlaws have also agreed that they’re all weird and his sisters don’t bother but MIL thinks her daughters are snacking and fault lies with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUp2023 · 02/01/2023 10:44

*amazing not snacking! autocorrected to thst for some reason.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/01/2023 10:50

Why do you need to force the relationship with his sisters? You can’t change them - it’s their specific family dynamics.
You H and his sisters have a huge age gap, so they aren't close. Let them me.
There is absolutely no point in criticising them to their mother, or your H.
Just let them be. You can just be polite and distant. Life is too short.
You have your kids and your sisters.

As to the new house and your H saying your family can’t see it before his sisters. Well. Why do you need to have him approve who visits you??? Give it a little time and then just do what works for you.

Original poster
FedUp2023 · 02/01/2023 10:53

@MMmomDD because my family can’t come to events because he gets upset his sisters are not there. If there was a normal relationship between them he wouldn’t stop my family visiting. I know it’s crazy but it stems from his jealously that my family want to be involved in our kids lives but his sisters don’t. A half normal person would think “oh that’s nice they want to visit the kids” but his messed up mind thinks “why are my sisters not here but here are”.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUp2023 · 02/01/2023 10:57

Also MIL gets upset seeing my family. She sat with a sour look on her face when my sisters come to visit me. It’s got the point of DH telling me to lie about when my family Vidit. It’s more difficult as my kids tell her Aunties visited then MIL goes all quiet. It’s really messed up.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/01/2023 11:19

So - he gets upset his sisters aren’t there. So what. He can be upset, it won’t kill him.
And no one dies from a sour face.

I’d simply make sure all future invitations went to the whole family. Make a huge WhatsUp (or email?) Family list. Invite the whole lot to next event. As long as his family is invited - it’s really up to them to show up or not.

He doesn’t get to limit your sister’s interaction with your kids. There is absolutely no reason why you need to put up with that.

daydreaming4 · 10/04/2023 12:41

You sound very down indeed and those causing this are not really interested in your feelings. Time to protect yourself. You get one life do not waste it on a so called family like this, it will break you if you give it long enough. Culture I get it but you also have human rights, feelings, choices and a voice n if any of that puts you at risk of huge consequences talk to a confidential service that can help you. Take care of you, you don't deserve this.

LeavesOnTrees · 10/04/2023 12:50

With regards to his his sisters' visiting the house first, I'd ask him for a date they want to visit, say in the next month. Then set up a date after for when your siblings are coming and let him know. That way they've been given a chance.

His sister's are not your problem, it's up to him to manage their relationship. It sounds like his sisters aren't at all bothered about maintaining a relationship, which is fine, but this isn't your problem and you can't force it.

I'd be straight with him and say I've tried and they're always welcome but I'm not going to sacrifice my own sibling relationship because his family isn't how he wants it.

BritishDesiGirl · 10/04/2023 12:58

You sound be very ground down by it OP. Your husband needs to stop seeing your family as the enemy. They are your family, you don't need to justify why they attend events.

The truth is his own family are not stepping up and he is probably projecting his own disappointment with that on you and your family.

If your MIL has a sore face, leave her to it. Your not responsible for her happiness. She needs to shut up and put up.

I would also speak to your husband, tell him how you are feeling, you sound so low. It's not fair for you to be carrying this around.

Sending you hugs too x

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 13:01

Contact Women's aid.

Why are you buying a new house when you are clearly so unhappy.

Can you move in with your family?

Riapia · 10/04/2023 13:17

You’ve been married 12 years to a man who is cold and indifferent.
Whatever makes you think of buying a new home with him is a good idea?
Do you really expect him to change?

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2023 14:39

FedUp2023 · 02/01/2023 10:53

@MMmomDD because my family can’t come to events because he gets upset his sisters are not there. If there was a normal relationship between them he wouldn’t stop my family visiting. I know it’s crazy but it stems from his jealously that my family want to be involved in our kids lives but his sisters don’t. A half normal person would think “oh that’s nice they want to visit the kids” but his messed up mind thinks “why are my sisters not here but here are”.

So what if he gets upset?

His problem not yours

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread